Santa Barbara and Tears

It’s been a week since my last episode in the kitchen. In the last week, we’ve done so much. We went and saw every movie at the movie theatres, walked along the beach and had a picnic, went to Newport Beach and hung out at the arcade, went to the Irvine Spectrum, and learned how to surf. It was great.

            Now, we’re going to spend a weekend up at Santa Barbara at Anthony’s beach house. When I looked at the signs, we were almost there. When we got off the freeway, we made a right into a neighborhood that was right on the beach. And at the end, there was Anthony’s beach house. It was two stories and it was so pretty.

            We got out of the car and went inside. The house was huge. Everything was wood and there were high ceilings. It was so amazing. When we went out on the patio, you opened this little gate and you were on the beach. The beach was a sparkly baby blue when the sun shined on it.

            “This was where my parents and I spent our summers. We would come down and spend a month here before my brother and I went back to school. We had a lot of memories here. Especially with my dad and Brian.” he said looking out to the ocean.

            He started to laugh. “Brian and I actually went down to the beach and we saw this huge a*s fish. Brian got it and I asked dad where mom was. When he pointed in the direction she was in, we both ran at her and hid it behind our backs. I said, ‘Hey mom, do you want to see something cool?’ and she said ‘Sure.’ When my brother got it, she showed to mom. She started freaking out because it was huge. My mom got up and we started chasing her and she went into the water.” Anthony laughed even harder and started looking at me. He looked happy remembering his mom and his dad. “We actually chased her into the water. And you know how she hated the cold water.”

            “I know she did.” I laughed. “I have to give you props, you helped my aunt get into the water.”

            “Yeah…she was amazing. I still really miss her and of course I miss my father. I miss both of them a lot.”

            “I know, I do too.”

            Anthony and I went inside the house and got our swim suits on. Anthony went in the ocean first and soon after I joined him. We were in the ocean until the moon and the stars came out. During that time, we were talking about everything like how we used to be how he didn’t know how I felt about him. It didn’t get awkward which I liked.

            “You see that bright star? Right there.” Anthony said pointing at the star.

            “Yes. What about it?”

            “When you ever feel alone or lost, just look at that star and it’ll always find you. And then you could talk to me when I go. I’ll always be here.”

            I just looked at him and I nodded. After that, we got out of the water, took showers, and went to sleep.

 

           

            When I woke up, he wasn’t right next to me. I started to freak out, wondering where he could be. I looked in the bathroom and he wasn’t there. I looked in the big a*s closet and he wasn’t there. I looked in the other rooms and he wasn’t there. I looked in the other bathrooms and he wasn’t there. I went into the living room and he wasn’t there. I went into the game room and he wasn’t there either. He was nowhere to be found.

            “Anthony! Where are you?!” I screamed.

            “In the kitchen, Abby!” he yelled back.

            I went into the kitchen and saw him cooking eggs. He turned and when he saw me, he kissed me on the cheek.

            “Are you hungry?” he asked.

            “Yeah, starving.”

            We ate our breakfast and went to watch a bunch of movies. That day was an easy day. We just relaxed, slept, ate, went into the water and kissed of course.

            When it was ten thirty, we went into bed but I had so many things that were on my mind that I had to get out.

            I looked at him and his eyes were already closed. He was breathing softly. After he dies, I would miss him sleeping with me, talking to me, just the usual things best friends do. Yet, he was going to be gone. All these emotions started rising up in me. Anger, loneliness, sadness, confusion and especially remorse. I don’t have good emotions in my body anymore. After what had happened, nothing was good. Nothing was. What was good about it? My best friend was dying and for three and a half years I had to watch him suffer and go through horrible pain. Now he was done fighting. Cancer won in the end. I was so angry I just wanted to cuss, scream, hit someone. Anything to get the answers I needed and just so I could be alright again. But I knew nothing would ever help me now. That’s what I’d come to terms with.

            “Anthony?” I said. I looked at him and he didn’t answer. “Anthony, can I please ask you something?”

            “Mhm. What is it baby girl?”

            “Are you afraid? Like to die I mean? You said that you weren’t but aren’t you just a little nervous?”

            “In the beginning I was. But, I’ve been fighting for so long I just kind of gave up. Hold on, let me rephrase that. I didn’t just give up, I was just tired. I basically had enough. I was so scared in the beginning because I didn’t want to leave all my friends, your parents, my family…” he opened his eyes and looked up at me. “You.”

            “Getting tired and giving up are the same thing.”

            “No they’re not if you think about it.” I was confused. “Giving up is just not fighting and not giving a crap about anything. That’s what happens at the beginning because sometimes you feel nothing is going to happen. Like it’s not going to go away. Getting tired happens when you’ve been fighting for a very long time like I have. You know after months and years of treatment, the cancer is still static and it’s just staying where it is and getting worse and worse. You just get tired of fighting. Like when you know you’re going to go soon and have so little time. That’s the difference.”

            “Oh I see.”

            “So to answer your question, I’m not afraid of dying. At least not anymore. But what I’m afraid is for you. How you’re going to feel or react when I go. You’re going to be all alone.” he touched my face.

            “I’ll be ok.”

            He shook his head. “No you’re going to be so depressed and lonely. I promised you I will never leave you. Yet, I am. I’m sorry.”

            “Don’t be. It’s ok.”

            We were quiet then. I was just processing what he had said five minutes earlier.

            But when Anthony was rubbing my head, I slowly fell asleep.

 

 

            I woke up and saw him looking at me. I stretched and he was still looking at me.

            “I’m glad I get to wake up to your beautiful face every morning.” At his remark, I just smiled. But he had sadness in his eyes. I wondered what was truly wrong with him.

            I watched him turn over and he looked at the window. “Do you know what today is?” he asked.

            “It’s Wednesday.”

            “But what’s the date for today?”

            I turned over to look at the clock. It said June twenty-fourth. I knew that date…it was the date Aunt Alana and Uncle Bradley died. No wonder he looked so sad.

            I turned to look at him. “It’s the twenty-fourth of June.”

            “I know. The date my parents died. It’s been ten years today since they died. It was the last summer we spent together in Santa Barbara.”

            He fell quiet and got out of bed. “Get dressed. We’re going to go for a little drive.” Then he walked out of the room.

            When I was getting dressed, he looked so sad. Of course, when I found out, I was crying too. They were my aunt and uncle. I knew why we were in Santa Barbara on this specific weekend. To visit his parents’ grave and he’d probably see them again.

            We got out of the house and drove fifteen minutes down the road. There was a cemetery right on the corner. Anthony and I got out of the car and walked down the little road to a tomb stone.

            It said:

 

            Bradley Zide              Alana Zide

            1969-2004                  1970-2004

            They will be truly missed and always be loved.

 

 

            Anthony read the tomb stone aloud to himself. I saw tears coming from his eyes, going down his face and dropping from his chin. He slowly knelt down and put flowers on their tomb stone and started to cry calling out mommy and daddy. I started to cry because I was heartbroken.

            I knelt down beside him and just held him in my arms. He was like a child, heaving and sobbing.

            We were there for a couple of hours just talking about his parents and how he still felt about his parents’ death. He still really missed him. So did I.

            When we were about to leave his parents’ grave, he turned around to talk to them again.

            “Mom, dad? If you’re listening, then I have some stuff to tell you. I still love you and miss you. A lot. Brian does too. I have cancer in my stomach but it metastasized to my lungs and blood stream. So its terminal. The doctor said that I have about six months. It’s just an approximation. But I know I’m dying soon. Every day, when I wake up to go to the bathroom, I feel weak. My arms shake when I hold cereal boxes. I get tired easily. I think I’ll see you guys soon. But Brian is going to be all alone. He’s my big brother…I don’t want to leave him. And my girlfriend, Abby, you’re ‘niece’, I don’t want to leave her. I love her too much in order to lose her in the end. For her to lose me.”

            I stepped right next to him. “I’ll be fine.” I wiped the tears from my eyes. “I promise.”

            He took me in his arms. “I love you mom and dad. Hope to see you guys soon.”

            After that, we left the cemetery. We drove to his house and went into our bedroom.

            As soon as we did, I saw him walk to the wall near the bed. It was his calendar. Every week, he would count the days, weeks, months. Even hours. Worried he didn’t have enough time to spend with the people he loved. He knew he had such little time. And he would not waste it.

            I walked to him and hugged his stomach. “Don’t count the days, Anthony. You’ll get fixated on how many months you have.” I grabbed the calendar and threw it into the trash. “You are not going to count the days.”

            “Abby! Give it to me!”

            “Did you hear what I just said?”

            “Yes, but I need it.”

            “Why? You don’t. You don’t have to count the months every other hour. Yes, you’re dying but just leave it alone.” I walked to him and touched his arm. “Please. I’m already scared to be without you. I stopped counting the days when I was fifteen. Let’s just take it day by day.”

            “Ok. We will live life to the fullest.”

            I nodded and we both got dressed into our pajamas. It was our last day in Santa Barbara and we were going to leave early in the morning.

            I had so much fun with him how it brought back memories for the both of us. It was nice. It was just nice to be with him.   

            It was almost July. It was time to go down that list more. It was just the time where we had to live day by day…