Fears and Rollercoasters

After that whole day, we were so dead tired; we slept til the next day. Someone was hitting me and when I woke up, I saw Anthony hitting me with a pillow. I sat up on my two elbows and threw a pillow at him.

            “What?!” I yelled at him quietly.

He looked happy. “Our adventure together is going to start today. Right now as we speak. I have a nice plan that we can do for six months. I thought about it all last night. So, get dressed and put on comfortable shoes. We’re going to do a lot of walking.” After he said that, he walked out of the room.

            I got out of the bed, put on a sweatshirt, jeans, and my converse. As I walked down stairs, he was already dressed in a pair of sweats and a plain white shirt.

            He walked towards me held my hand. As he held it, it felt different. He had never held my hand like this before. It made my heart skip a beat and made my heart come into my throat. My stomach dropped to the ground.

            “Are you ready to go?” he asked.

            I nodded and we went into the car and drove. We were driving and driving which seemed like an hour. I just saw trees and more trees as we were heading north bound on the freeway. We passed North Hills and all these cities. As soon as it said Santa Clarita, I knew where we were going. Six Flags. He knew I hated roller coasters. Since I was a kid I hated them. They were my biggest fear.

            I looked at him and gave him that look. “Why are you giving me that look?” he asked. He knew the look. I saw him grinning as he looked out the window.

            “We are going to Six Flags?”

            “Yes, why do you ask?”

            “You know I hate roller coasters. Why are you doing this to me?”

            He just looked at me when I said this. I saw his face turn from amusement to him being serious and distant. I think I knew why he was doing this.

            “So we could actually have fun memories when I die. So when I die you won’t remember the bad ones. Just the good times that we spent together during the last six months of my life. At least let me give you that.”

            I nodded. “Ok. Fine. We will ride the roller coasters. It’s your fault if I fall out.”

            He laughed at me and shook his head. I knew why he was doing this. For me to have good memories and for him to have a good life before he passed away. I get that. But won’t it hurt when he’s gone because I wouldn’t want these times to stop? I guess it’d have to stop at some point down the line.

            We got there at seven forty five and they opened at eight. We were there a little early. He went to sleep for a little bit and from the back of the car, I saw this big paper in the back pocket of his seat. When I opened it up, it said ‘How to Live Life in Six Months’. I started reading it.

            It said:

‘How to Live Life in Six Months’

1. Go to Six Flags
2. Go to the beach and have a picnic right on the shore.
3. Take a plane ride and spend a weekend in Catalina.
4. Go to Disneyland and spend a week at the hotel.
5. Drive down to San Diego and spend five days there.
6. Go up to Santa Barbara for a weekend at my beach house and go to the beach.
7. (For Abby) Go to Beverley Hills and get her hair and nails done, get an expensive dress, jewelry, and get dinner at a fancy restaurant.
8. Whole day at house watching Disney movies, from Ice Age to Aladdin. EVERY ONE OF THEM.
9. Go to the movie theatres and watch every movie there.
10. Go to the mall; go to the candy store and buy every kind of candy.
11. Buy a boat to sail down the coast all the way to Chile.
12. Go to Big Bear and go skiing.
13. Go rock climbing

And the list went on and on and on and on. A lot were for him and some were for me. But when I went lower down the list, the things started getting more expensive and to tell you the truth cooler but at the same time sadder.

      One of the four things I read towards the end of the list was, visiting his parents’ grave, going up to San Luis Obispo to visit his old house where he grew up in with his parents, visit his older brother at NYU, take a month trip to all of Europe, take a month in a half trip down to Australia, and take another month trip to Honolulu, Oahu, Hawaii.

      All of these things were amazing but they were just too expensive. I had the account number to get into his savings account and all that stuff. So I looked it up. He saved up a lot of money to do all these things. It was almost a billion dollars. All this money wasn’t in his bank account or savings the last few months. I think he knew he was going to die…

      We, I mean I, should make the most of it while he’s here. I put the paper back and not even five minutes later, he woke up.

      “Hey, are you ready to go? They opened like fifteen minutes ago.” I said.

      “Yes, let’s go.” We got out of the car and rushed to the entrance. We showed them our passes and we were let into the park. We got a map to see which ride was closer and which one to do first. I saw X2 was closer so he picked that one.

      We got in line and not even ten minutes later, we were getting on the ride. We went in the third row and pulled down the bars.

      “Are you ready?” he asked.

      “You’re insane! This is crazy!” I playfully yelled at him.

      He just laughed and not even five minutes later the ride was starting. I started to freak out and kept telling him I hated him for getting me here in the first place.

      The ride finally ended and I was a total mess afterwards. I just looked at Anthony and saw how peaceful and happy he was. I could tell he was having fun. When we were walking to the other rides, we kept on holding hands and he gave me piggy back rides.

      When we were in line for Goliath, he held me from behind and kissed me on the head.

      “I love you,” he said. I just looked at him and kissed him on the cheek.

      We rode the ride and it was actually pretty fun. After the ride, he kept on carrying me and giving me piggy back rides. I was very surprised yet happy, how he had energy to do this with me. It was great to see.

      When we were walking to get a pretzel, we got the common lookers. When you looked at him, you could tell he was sick. Even from three feet away you could tell how he was skin and bones, veins popping out, dark circles under his eyes.

      But when he smiled, his face lit up with happiness and peacefulness. He looked handsome still. He’d always been a handsome young man. With the dark circles under his eyes, his green eyes popped.

      After we ate the pretzel, we went on all the water rides, Ninja, Tatsu, Drop of Doom, every ride. When we were going to ride another one, we looked at the time and it was five thirty. I could tell that Anthony was tired.

      We left a half an hour before they closed. I had the best time with him. I could tell he did too. We finally got to the house and we went upstairs to change into our pajamas.

      When we came downstairs, we saw that it was eight thirty. We went down to the den and grabbed all the Disney movies we used to watch when we were younger. We cuddled together on the couch and ate popcorn.

      “I love you,” Anthony said.

      “I love you, too.” I said.

     

      We sat in silence then. Even with the movie, my mind kept on wandering. So many things and questions that were still left unanswered. All these questions still started out with why. When I looked at him, he looked so happy, laughing at the characters being weird and funny.

      He looked calm for the first time in three and a half years. It was the first week of summer and we got the worst news ever. Him dying and only having six months to live.

      To other people that’s a long time, but for us, its short. Then my mind started to wander again making me sad and distant from him. Thinking about when he actually did die and having these memories with me. Just him not being there is hard, to not tell someone about my teacher being an a*s, how I got a D on my math test, tutoring me in math, singing karaoke, watching horror movies until we pee, wrestling each other until I pee, stealing clothes from each other, playing super hide and seek, or most importantly telling him my feelings. With that one thought, I started to cry. Knowing he wouldn’t be there anymore. No one there for me to talk to. No one there when I needed to laugh. No one there to understand what I was going through. No one there to help me with math and English. No one there to watch horror movies with. No one there to do anything. I would not do anything without Anthony. What Anthony and I did, was just supposed to be for us only.

      I started to cry even harder and started heaving. Good thing the TV was loud so he wouldn’t hear me. I got up and went into the kitchen. I started to sob even more and grabbed hold of the counter. I saw the crucifix on the wall and slammed it to the ground. I started flipping it off, flipping off the sky to where God was supposed to be, putting pictures of us when we were little and pictures from a couple of months ago to my heart and holding onto them for dear life. Now I knew what pure anger and loneliness was. He wasn’t even dead and I started to feel these things. Were these emotions irrational?

      I started to sob, heave, scream a little, and shout out ‘why’ and ‘no’ and ‘please’.

      “Abby?” Anthony started. “Where are you Abbs?” He went to the kitchen and saw me holding on to the counter and with all these pictures that were held up to my heart.

      “Please don’t go!” I screamed and put my hand over my eyes. Started to heave yet again. I started to cling onto him and started begging him not to leave me.

      I saw he started to cry with me too. We were both crying. “Abby, I don’t want to leave you. I promised you that and you know I don’t break my promises.” I knew he didn’t but this one he couldn’t keep. And we both knew that. “We’ve got six months for us to be together. Let me promise you this. I promise that we will have the best six months of our life. Ok?”

      I nodded. “Ok, but I’m not going to school. I’m staying with you so we could finish that list.”

      “Ok.” He had a grin on his face. I wondered what he was thinking. “We are going to do everything and it’ll be our first time for the both of us. So this should be fun.”

      We just held each other and went back into the den to finish watching the movies. He put his arm around me and we started watching Ice Age. I remembered this movie and how we were in the same position as we were when we were kids. It was great to have my best friend with me and to have fun with him for the last six months.

      In my mind, I was just preparing myself for the end so it wouldn’t be that hard to let him go. Yet, I knew it would be hard. Knowing that he’d never come back. Knowing he was gone. He was my best friend. How was I supposed to let go of him just like that? It wasn’t rational for me to think I could forget about him.

      I knew he was going to die. I knew that this was the beginning of the end. Hoping and wishing it was the start of a new beginning for us. But coming back to reality, I knew he was dying. I knew he was going to leave me. Like I said, preparing myself for the end. But I knew I was already doing that anyways.

      I saw that he fell asleep and he started talking. This was what he kept on saying:

      “I’m so sorry,”

            “I don’t ever want to leave you.”

            “I love you.”

            But then there was one where I would never forget.

            “I’m glad it was me and not you. If it was you, it’d be unbearable to watch you go through the pain I’m going through. You wouldn’t handle it. So I’m thankful it was me and not you.”

            When I thought he was done talking, I saw his mouth open once more.

            “Promise me something.” Anthony said.

            “Anything.” I whispered. I answered even though I knew he couldn’t hear me.

            “Live a long and happy life…” then he smiled in his sleep. “For me baby girl.”

            He used to call me this when we were growing up. He hadn’t called me baby girl since he got the cancer.

            And that’s when I said, “I promise.”