How Can This Be: Me, Him, and in Love

As soon as we got home, my parents were on a business trip for almost a couple of months. (Big set up movie). We told them what happened and my parents were actually crying. They wished him luck and told me to call them if he had gotten worse. They were his parents too. Then they left.

            He took me upstairs and we went into his room.

            “You are going to sleep in my room with me for now on. I don’t want you or me to be alone.” Anthony said. I just nodded.

            We went to his bed and we fell asleep in each other’s arms. When I fell asleep, I had all these thoughts and questions about Anthony. I just thought about how he was not going to live long and how I just couldn’t go into his room to borrow his boxers. Just thinking about how we wouldn’t be able to brush our teeth in our bathroom at the same time. How we wouldn’t sing karaoke in the living room or the den. All these things that I had to get used to when he was finally dead and gone from my life. But this very thought in my mind, didn’t make any sense. It confused me. About me being alone and him not being there. How he wouldn’t be there when I graduate. He said that he would never miss my graduation and promised me he would never leave me.

            I thought about when I’d finally get used to him being dead. It was so scary to think about that. Since he was dying, I wanted to tell him about how I felt. Yet, I was scared if the feeling was mutual. After this thought came through my brain and went away, I woke up.

            Anthony was already awake and he was looking at me. “Hi,” Anthony said.

            “Hi,” I said tiredly. I stretched and he lied on his elbow.

            “You and I are going to have the best summer ever.” he said with a smile.

            “I know we will.”

“For six months, what do you want to do?”

            “Everything!”

            He laughed. “Ok, then we will. I love you, Abby.”

            I just stared at him. He told me that he loved me. Was he joking? No, he wasn’t joking, he had a serious face. Did he mean it? Of course, he meant it. He looked serious. But, did he mean it like he was in love with me not like a sister but something more than a sister. I loved him more than a brother. I doubted that it’d change anything because he was still going to leave me no matter what. The cancer had taken its toll on his body. Even though, Anthony had fought for almost four years, the cancer won in the end. That’s what made me angry. How It won and he didn’t. How God is taking him away from me. I was Catholic and now I’m atheist. But there was one thought that stuck in my mind. Which was there is no God and that is final.

            “Aw, Anthony, I love you too.” I said. When I said this, he came closer and pulled me closer. My stomach dropped down to the floor. He had never held me like this before.

            He touched my hand. “No, Abby…I love you.”

            I couldn’t breathe. In my mind I started hyperventilating. He said that he loved me like I loved him. Is this really happening? It is.

            “Really? I love you too.”

            He brought me even closer to him. I lied on his chest and with that, I fell asleep peacefully in his arms.

            I knew how he felt and he knew how I felt. But in the end, it still didn’t change anything. But in a way, it did. We loved each other and we were going to spend so much time together. I loved him and he loved me.

            I soon woke up and watched him sleep. Even in his sleep he had trouble breathing. He couldn’t take a deep breath nor did he breathe through his nose. He had trouble with that. As I watched this happen, I started to cry; yet again. He was dying; slowly but surely he was. Every minute of every day he was getting closer to death. I started crying harder, knowing, he’d be gone soon. So soon I wouldn’t be able to think. Even with the fact of his illness being terminal was hard to handle. Why did good people get terminal illnesses? Why did young children and young adults who hadn’t even lived a full life, had to die? Earlier, when Anthony and the doctor were talking, I went to the church down the street and started talking to the Priest. He said that God needed him and his duty was done on earth. I told him that that was total bull s**t and left.

            All of these questions in my head started with the word why. Why this and why that. Every single one of them.

 

But what I knew then and what I know now is to never ask the question why. Sometimes these questions don’t have answers to them or they are best to be left unsaid. That was the first lesson I learned after he died.