The Heartache

The Heartache

 

            I knocked at my friend Anthony’s door to wake him up since it was already noon. Today was the first day of summer. I still had to go to school one more year but he was finally out of that hell whole. Since it was the summer, I wanted to spend some time with him. Like everyday. We’ve been friends since our parents went to high school together. So we’re basically family but I’ve had a crush on him forever. He doesn’t know.

            But when he was fourteen, he got cancer in his stomach. He’s been doing chemotherapy and radiation. But it wasn’t exactly working. Next week we were to have an appointment with his doctor to check out the cancer to see if we had to make any ‘plans’.

            Anthony lived with us since both his parents passed away in a car accident ten years ago so he had been living with my family. He was like a son to my mom.

            Anyways, after five minutes, Anthony came out finally. He came out in his sweats and he looked weak. With dark circles under his eyes, I could see his veins, and he was really sick. I have no idea why we had to bring him home before graduation. I guess for him to graduate but they said keep him until next week.

 

            Next week had come. I drove him to the hospital to have his doctor’s appointment. In the car, I could tell he was very anxious. He kept on shaking and looking out the window.

            “Anthony, can you just relax? We’re just going to check the cancer to see where it is.” I said.

            “No, I will not relax. You don’t have cancer. You don’t know what it’s like to always think about death and always think about your family when you’re gone. I think about that twenty four seven. You don’t have to because you’re still healthy. Since I was fourteen, I’ve been the healthiest boy alive. Athletic, straight A’s, I did everything. Yet, because of this damn thing, I’m too weak to do anything.” he told me.

            I just nodded and kept looking forward at the winding road. During that half hour to the hospital, I thought about what he just said. How for the longest time he was the healthiest guy alive and now he was the weakest guy alive. I’ve had this one question in my mind since I was thirteen. How can someone be healthy one day and the next sick as a dog? It just blew my mind how God worked in the most mysterious ways ever. I knew I didn’t have the cancer, but I could see what it was doing to him. Making him weaker, tired, in pain, uncomfortable, throwing up all over the place. I hated watching him like this. It’d been so long that I couldn’t really remember when he was laughing and playing football with his club team. It was just needles, bone marrow tests, blood tests, throwing up, and he was just skin and bones. He looked like he came out of the labor camps during Nazi Germany. But he’d been better about his eating. I made sure he ate enough so he could have energy for the day. I didn’t mind taking care of him and making him feel at home, but at the same time, I didn’t want to watch him go through this and not helping him. It was hard to see him like that.

            We finally got to the hospital and went to the receptionist. I told her Anthony’s first and last name and date of birth. She told us to sit down and the nurse would come get us into a room.

            Anthony held my hand. “Just be positive alright?” I told him. I gave him a reassuring squeeze and smiled at him. He smiled back but he seemed like he had something on his mind too.

            He shook his head. “It’s too late for me now Abby. Believe me, I’ve been fighting this for almost three in a half years. I think my time fighting is done.” he said with a sly smile.

            I shook my head and started to tear up. “No, don’t say that. Please don’t. I...” When I was about to tell him how I felt about him, we were called in.

            We walked into the room and soon after the doctor came in. He looked serious but at the same time, sympathetic. Which made me scared and nervous. I sat on the hospital bed with Anthony and we were holding hands. He kept on giving me the reassuring squeeze.

            “Mr. Zide, I have news about your cancer.” the doctor said.

            I felt a lump go in my throat. “So...?”

            “Ms. Williams, may I please ask you to leave?”

            “NO!” we both said in unison.

            The doctor smiled. “Ok, well Anthony, have you had trouble breathing lately?”

            I nodded. “Yes, it seems he’s more short of breath.”

            The doctor nodded and continued, “Well, the cancer has metastasized to your lungs and it’s gone into your blood stream.”

            “What does that mean?” I asked.

            “That it is about time to make plans and make Anthony as comfortable as you can for him at home.”

            I shook my head and looked at Anthony. He looked peaceful, relieved how he was not going to fight anymore. I was not. My best friend was going to die and I wouldn’t let that happen. He was going to live until my children were born. He’d either be the father or uncle to my children. We were Abby and Anthony and Anthony and Abby. We were two peas in a pod since we were in the womb. He couldn’t die. Die….death….its just a…odd word to say or even think while Anthony had to do with it.

            I started crying. I tried to hold them back but they just kept coming. “What? No, that’s unacceptable. He cannot die. We’re Abby and Anthony and Anthony and Abby. He can’t die. He’s like my big brother. Always has been and always will be. This cancer, this thing can’t just take him away from me. I won’t let this happen. Just no! He’s staying!” I started crying more and looked at Anthony. “I can’t live without you. You can’t just leave me here. Is there anything I could do? To help I mean? Like take this cancer away and wish it upon myself? Anthony, give me the cancer and you live. Just live and be here on earth with me. Please, I’m begging you. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me; please I love you so much, so much. I’ll die if you die. You’re my best friend, my big brother, I love you. Please don’t go. Why will you even have to go? Please don’t stop fighting.”

            I looked at the doctor. “He can’t stop fighting. There’s still a chance. Please help him. Give him more medications so he could live. Please we’re Abby and Anthony and Anthony and Abby. Please. Please…”

            Anthony took me in his arms and just held me. He was crying really hard too. “Abby, please don’t be like this. Please don’t cry, please don’t. I’m ready to go. Trust me I’ll be alright and you’ll be alright too. I’m ok with dying. I’ve come to terms with that. I’m ok. Just be my friend until I go. I love you so much too. You don’t know how much. I just want to be with you. I’m so so sorry Abigail, so sorry…” we were just crying in each other’s arms.

            I was the one who stopped first. “How long?” I asked.

            “About six months. It’s just an approximation.” The doctor said, sympathetically.

            Six months for Anthony and I to do everything and just be together and just have fun.

            We got out of the hospital and we went into the car. As soon as we got in, I just broke down in tears again, yelling at him how he couldn’t go and how much I loved him and how I couldn’t be without him. He started crying too and just held me. For an hour we were crying and I never thought about letting him go physically nor emotionally.

            But there was only one question in my mind that I had for God, if there really was a God. Why him and not me?