Unsaid

My eyes open with an effort so grand I consider ignoring the blaring alarm and going back to sleep, but I simply groan and turn reaching blindly for my phone. I slide the eye mask up exposing my eyes to the light streaming in through the blinds. Unlocking the phone I’m met with her message. It says she talked to him last night, he felt the same, they’re taking things slow, don’t tell anyone yet. My heart races, at first I can’t contain my joy, my excitement. I respond with happiness and congratulations and then I lock the phone. Then my heart breaks a little. I’m happy for her, and I hope this works out but I can’t help but feel jealous. Jealous that she worked up the courage to tell him how she felt. Jealous that he feels the same. My mind can’t help but turn to my own feelings. 

I want to tell my ‘friend’. I want to run up to him and confess that I’ve liked him for who knows how long and that I want him to like me back. But the words stick in my throat. I feel them wanting to claw their way out, but I keep them down with fear. The rational and logical side of my brain having an internal battle with my imagination and fear. Alondra asked me a while ago about how I felt, how I was dealing with it. I couldn’t help but admit that I still had feelings for him. It’s hard not to. I feel so comfortable around him, and sometimes it feels like he can read my mind and knows exactly what to do or say. It’s frustrating to see how comfortable he walks around my apartment, how comfortable I feel letting him into my room. We share drinks, food, and so many moments between just the two of us. It messes with my mind. I tell myself he sees me as a friend, someone he is close with. I tell myself he’d do this with anyone. But even then I can’t help but wonder, would he? Does he interact with me the same as anyone else? Are there ever moments when he’s self conscious of the way he interacts with me? The way our fingers brush or the way I lean into him whenever I’m given the chance. I wonder if he ever thinks about those moments we have alone and imagine wanting to hold my hand. I want to tell him about what I feel and about wanting more. But I can’t help but think that he isn’t on the same page, that he doesn’t want more and only sees me as a friend. 

I play around with the words I want to say. I picture telling him but I can never imagine his reaction. The thing is, I don’t even really care what he’ll say. I just want to tell him, because I know we’d still be friends no matter what. I don’t think this would end our friendship. But I can’t bring myself to say anything, because part of me thinks he really doesn’t view me as anything besides a friend. Yet Alondra’s observations stick to me. She told me its so obvious how comfortable we are around each other, how we seem to communicate without saying much. She reassures me that no one would mind, that in fact the others would be happy to see us together but even then I don’t know what to do. How do you tell one of your best friends you like him?