Chapter 1: The Mission

 

        The late afternoon sun shined down on the large, dense forest below. Specks of light littered the ground from where the sun's ray's were able to break through the canopy's barrier. Critters scurried to and fro through the brush while birds chirped. All was peaceful within this forest.

        Skylar laid in the middle of a fairly small clearing. His half-opened eyes lazily stared up at the thick canopy above while his limbs were sprawled out around him. A double-edged sword sat just inches away from his right hand.

        “Oi, Skylar,” shouted a masculine voice.

        The blond-haired boy turned his head to the side upon hearing his name to have those blue hues of his rest on a male that was approaching him. He looked to be sixteen – just a year older than Skylar. He had short, spiky brown hair and brown eyes. His attire consisted of brown boots, brown gloves, brown pants, and a green long-sleeved shirt. A wooden short bow and a quiver of arrows sat on his back.

        “Hey Grover,” Skylar greeted his friend as he sat up.

        Grover stopped just a few feet from the younger boy and looked down at him with a slightly stern look on his face.

        “What've you been doing out here?” Grover asked.

        “Just training,” Skylar replied.

        “You do realize that it's dangerous to be outside the village, right?”

        “I don't see any harm in it.”

        “You idiot.” Grover heaved forth a sigh as he slowly shook his head.

        “If it's so dangerous, then why are you out here?”

        “Because I was told to come fetch you. The leader wants to see you in his office.”

        “Oh.”

        Skylar stood up and retrieved his blade before sheathing it in the black sword case that sat on the left side of his waist. He took a moment to dust off his tan pants and navy blue sleeveless shirt to knock off any dirt that was on them. When he was ready, the two started back towards the village, Skylar right behind the other male.

        It wasn't too long until they reached Wildtree Village. After passing the two guards stationed at the entrance, they made their way through the streets, which wooden buildings sat on either side of. The voices of the villagers filled the air as they weaved their way through the crowds. After about a minute or two of walking, they finally came to the center of the village, which was where their destination lied. Once they made their way through the large crowds that flooded this part of Wildtree, they finally came to a building, which was none other than the leader's office.

        “Go ahead and go in,” Grover told the blond-haired boy. “I'll just wait out here.”

        Skylar gave a nod of his head before entering the building. His black boots made tapping noises on the wooden floor as he made his way down a short hall and into a spacious room. There was a desk that sat a few feet from the back wall, which the leader, Blaxton, was currently sitting behind.

        There was also someone else in the room; Spike. He was about two years older than Skylar and had short black hair and green eyes. He had on black boots, black pants, and a black sleeveless shirt, which revealed the slight muscular build his arms possessed. Spike was known as one of the most splendid warriors in Wildtree Village.

        “It's about time you showed up,” Blaxton began when Skylar came to a stop in the middle of the room.

        “Sorry, I was busy training,” Skylar apologized.

        “Can you tell us why you wanted us to come here?” Spike asked a wee bit impatiently.

        “Ah yes, sorry,” replied Blaxton. “Well, as I'm sure both of you know, Blade has become quite powerful—nearly invincible with all the strength he has. There has been a report about his ambitions to rule over the world. We need to take him down as soon as possible, but so far there hasn't been anyone that is strong enough to stop him. However, there was a plan made, which was to make a weapon powerful enough to stop Blade. Our village was put to the task of making a gem that stores enough power capable of defeating Blade. The only problem is that it needs to be attached to a specific weapon, which is held in Fairvald. This is where both of you come in. I want the two of you to deliver the gem so that it can be attached to the weapon.”

        Skylar was pretty pleased to hear this. He would end up being in charge of something really important. This would be something that depended on his help. Not only that, but Spike would be helping him too. He always kind of looked up to Spike because he always hoped to be as strong as him one day. However, Spike didn't seem to be as thrilled about this as Skylar did. In fact, he looked a bit annoyed.

        “I'm fine with doing it, but do I really have to go with someone?” asked Spike. “I work better alone.”

        “Sorry Spike, no can do,” Blaxton said. “If I let you go by yourself, I know you'll end up trying to defeat Blade yourself without giving the gem to Fairvald. Not only that, but I am not sure that you alone would be enough for this job. If Blade were to try to stop you somehow, you might not stand as much of a chance. With two people, at least one of you might be able to get away.”

        “Alright, I guess I understand that,” Spike replied, “but can't it be someone else to go with me? Skylar is too weak; he's one of the worst warriors in the village.”

        “I'm not that bad,” argued Skylar.

        “I would pair you up with someone else, Spike, but there isn't anyone else,” said Blaxton, ignoring what Skylar said. “Most of the warriors are too busy protecting the village from any possible attacks made by Blade. The ones that don't have anything to do refuse to do something this dangerous.”

        “Alright, fine,” sighed Spike. “Where's the gem?”

        “It isn't ready yet,” answered Blaxton. “It won't be ready until tomorrow morning. Both of you can stop by at that time to pick it up. For now you are free to do whatever you wish.”

        Spike didn't say anything else as he turned around and headed towards the door. Skylar watched him for a moment before trying to go after him. However, by the time the blond-haired boy exited the building, Spike had already disappeared amongst a large crowd of people.

        “How'd it go?” Grover asked as he stepped away from the wall he was just leaning against.

        “Good,” said Skylar as he stepped over towards him.

        “What did Blaxton want?”

        The blond-haired boy briefly described the job Blaxton had assigned him and Spike. When he was finished, Grover gave a small nod of his head.

        “Sounds kind of tough,” responded Grover before joking, “Just make sure you don't get yourself killed.”

        “Don't worry, I won't,” Skylar said a wee bit irritably. He paused. “But I guess it wouldn't hurt to train just a little bit more.”

        Grover chuckled a bit before saying, “Let me help you. It'll give me something to do before I have to return to my post at the west side of the village.”

        And with that, the two headed to a spot where they could train at to get Skylar ready for the journey that he was about to embark on.

Author's Note

Is the first chapter interesting enough to get the reader hooked onto the story? And yeah, I know the whole villain wanting to take over the world is cliched, but oh well.

Reviews

[Clark]

Mm. I'm glad to see some gay pseudo fantasy going around. That's what I like to write often. That being, I'm going to offer you words of wisdom from my own experience...

First, I agree with most of what Schofield said. Maybe not about the tunic, you can leave that if that's what they're really wearing (tunics are different from shirts; they usually (but not necessarily) are worn over shirts); but if it's a shirt, maybe blouse would work. As to leggings...only if they are tight. If you don't want them to be tights a la Robin Hood, you might try 'trousers' or 'breeches.'

You've got a lot of mouthfuls going on that can be reduced by sounding a little less prosaic. Circumlocution in a lot of places, mostly everywhere. You use too many words to say something that can be said with less; you'll lose your reader because they'll get impatient and/or lost. Examples...

'took a moment to dust off his tan pants and navy blue sleeveless shirt to knock off any dirt that was on them.' - you're dusting off them, so obviously you're trying to get dirt off. don't say it twice. He dusted, or he knocked it off. (Dusted, because its one word, and its more interesting a verb)

'which revealed the slight muscular build his arms possessed' - just say they revealed his almost muscular arms; you needn't sound so fustian (fancily wordy). Similarly when Skylar 'gave him a nod of his head' - Just say he nodded. If you have to say 'gave him a nod', that works too; however, since you can only really nod with your head, there's no need to be redundant.

'However, there was a plan made, which was to make a weapon powerful enough to stop Blade. Our village was put to the task of making a gem that stores enough power capable of defeating Blade.' Blade this, blade that. This is what antecedents are for. You say the name once, and then use he/she/it/them for the rest of the paragraph, or until you say another name that would use the same pronoun. Trust your reader enough to be able to follow the action. This will be really important when your writing scenes with the boys one on one; you'll have to find other stuff to say than 'him' and their names; 'him' will get confusing, their names will get boring and clunky.

Also in that section; who made the plan? Are the boys allowed to know? 'We and other villages made a plan instead, to make a weapon�' You use the passive voice a lot. That means you don't let subjects do things; you let things have things done to them. 'A plan was made' in stead of 'X made a plan'. You follow me?

Blond-haired boy = blond. Blond is a noun as well. And as a reader, I'm tired of hearing the word 'train'.

Schofield was also right about your dialogue; it's too back and forth between everyone but Skylar. If the story is told from his point of view, try including his internal thoughts and observations. The conversations don't seem natural, too forced.

To help out with vocab and your sentence structure and dialogue, my best advice for you is to read. A lot. Of other fantasy writers; R.A. Salvatore, of course, as well as George R.R. Martin, old hands who have a strong fan base; and Joe Abercrombie, a newer name with a refreshing turn for fantasy.

As to your storyline being clich�; yes. Absolutely, unfortunately. But Most of them are similar; you have to have a villain, though. Where you have to make it your own is with the characters. The villain wants to take over the world? That's cool. Just make the villain different from your run of the mill greedy tyrant.

Feel free to send me any read requests or just straight up ask me questions. I'd like to keep seeing what you're doing.
-Clark

[Eidolon Michael]

I liked this chapter. It was a nice start to the book ^_^

[1809 Black Plague Decem..]

I like the introduction a lot, sounds defenitely like a worrior movie,
"Oi, Skylar," shouted a masculine voice.

[Amund Schofield]

instead of shirt, use Tunic, instead of pants use leggings or tights. Not cause it's more... smexy... cause it's more fantasy type of stuff.

Your dialouge sounds to cheesy. Try coming up with new ways to say things. Like with the old dude telling the two about the quest, change the dialouge a bit so it's not so cookie cutter. Try and think of a new way to say things. Also looking up what olden day warriors actually wore. Also it wouldn't hurt to learn the names of different types of bows, and swords and what they were used for. Some sword were made for all round purposes. Others were for strictly piercing, some were make for slashing only. Some bows were made for short distance hunting, short and strong. Some were made for long distance, big bulky and heavy.