The Lost Child

Once upon a time, a fair,

Held somewhere here.

Many people from all around,

Flocked merrily to the ground.

A little boy seven years old.

Very cute and very bold.

Came with his parents to the fair.

His mother said, oh dear!

Don't go too far away from us!

We will soon leave to catch the bus.

He ran away for a giant wheel ride .

Soon realising his parents were not by his side.

He ran some more for a better look.

In his hand was a tidy book.

But instead he saw himself in a jungle, dark.

Where he heard some wild dogs bark.

He again ran some far away.

But was totally confused with the way.

He was holding a toy car.

Which he now threw very far.

Also a candy in his pocket.

And a beautiful shining locket.

  

 In despair he loudly cried.

I don't want a giant wheel ride.

I just want my mother father back.

Feeling like a prisoned jack.

He was very angry at himself.

No one around the boy to help.

In frustation, abusing the way.

Cried the boy please take me away!

Suddenly i felt a shake.

It was morning time to wake.

Author's Note

please review this poem.... your reviews will help me improve my writing. :)

Reviews

[Mayank]

I liked they rhyming you have used here, the story is very sweet and feels like a child dream which he wrote many years later.

[harshita]

thanks..... :)

[Alexandra]

It's surprising how he so many things in his hand lol over all its a good interpretation of a mild nightmare. Keep up the good work. I think it could have been a little bit more mysterious if you worked on adding more elements to it :)

[Alexandra]

*had
Please excuse the typo

[harshita]

LOl :D yeah i find it fascinating too :) thanks i'd improve my mistakes!!!

[Alexandra]

Good luck sweetie :)

[harshita]

thank you.... nice to meet you :)

[Alexandra]

Always a pleasure. :) nice to meet you too :D

[Preliving]

I really liked the concept you went with here. I liked the short, sudden sentences; it really showed the child's thought process, not sticking on one thing for very long, and not having the language to develop any of those thoughts very much. Even though people have given notes on your use of rhyme, I think it needs to be said that you have a really nice grasp of other aspects of the form. Nice one!

[harshita]

thank you so much for reviewing nd stoping by.... :)

[Pushkar Prabhat]

Good attempt!!!
Nice little story.
I liked it!!!
:)
P.s. the rhyming is hurting the flow and the setting. My personal views, plz don't mind.

[harshita]

i appreciate your honest review :) thanks :)

[Pushkar Prabhat]

You are welcome!! :):)

[C. Lee Battaglia]

Wow it was very well written! I like it a lot! Dreams are great stories... Was this a dream that you had and wrote on it?
I think this poem has great potential! Keep it up!
(Read my story called The Blonde Girl. I think you would like it a lot.)
Keep up the great work!

C. Lee Battaglia

[harshita]

thanks a lot :) no i never had such a dream i just imagined it however. i'd definately read your story. :) thanks again for reviewing :)

[C. Lee Battaglia]

Your welcome! Thanks a lot!
Leave me a review of what you think please.

[harshita]

yeah sure :)

[Gee]

A story well told with a clever ending.I agree in parts with Janine in that you seemed to be searching more for the rhyme than the actual effect on the reader of what you were writing.I know myself that rhyming verses look childish and simple but to actually get them to flow and be pleasing to others is quite tricky.Keep up the good work.

[harshita]

thanks.... :) i'll work on my mistakes :)

[Janine Boiselle]

I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news, but my reaction to this piece is very different in comparison to the rest of your reviews. I've never really had a huge problem with rhyming in poetry, however I think that it overpowers this piece. Though rhyming can be fun and cute at times, it took away from your word choice. And as an end result, from a reader's perspective, I felt strung along a generic, sing-song poem.

Imagery. Imagery, imagery, imagery is what will take this poem to the next level! The setting of your poem is a dream! Make it come to life in my eyes! Describe the people or the sight or smell, taste, sound, whatever, in the way that YOU want your audience to imagine it!

I think this piece is something to definitely build off of, but I don't think is anywhere close to done.

KEEP WRITING!

[harshita]

thank you for the review. :) positive criticism is always welcome. i'll try to improve my faults :)

[Simran Kewlani]

Really good. It was just wow. I was stunned by the time I reached towards it's end. Keep writing. x

[harshita]

thank you.... :)

[Confuser]

Thank goodness, I was really into and getting frightened, you pulled me into that one. Wow, so glad it was dream. Could give me a heart attack. Very good writing. Thank you and keep writing! Wow.

[harshita]

thank you. i'm glad you liked it.... :)

[Confuser]

You are welcome. I did.

[harshita]

:) if you could review my other poem heaven too i'd be really grateful. :)

[Jimmy Yetts]

The best thing about bad dreams is that they end. (Unfortunately, so do the good ones.)
Strong work, harshita--work that draws the reader in.

[harshita]

thank you..... :)