Entry 02 - Upon Reflection

6th November 2012

Dear Quinn,

I do wonder what you make of the decisions I made and how they will effect you. My childhood was very brief and completely shattered by arguments, an abusive step-mother, a deceitful game-playing mother, a cold and distant step-dad, the death of my father and the disintegration of my soul. I carried all that pain and blame for so long throughout my life and it acted like a cancer that devoured all the hopes and dreams I ever had. I was best part of 23 before I learned to look for the cause of their actions and found forgiveness for them and evolution for myself. I hope you never blame your self and if you do I prey that you learn to see the cause behind the person I am. I cannot ask for your forgiveness because that is something only you can manifest. Forgiveness is a flower that can only bloom in the presence of light, there is no other way to make it happen.

People will come and go from you life like the touch of the tide upon a grain of sand. Our strength comes from having the confidence to know that you are not the cause of the tidal shift. A life lived to reflect the obligations and expectations of others is a life un-lived. The only person guaranteed to stay beside you from birth to death is the reflection in the mirror. So insure that all the ingredients that you put into your life bake something you like the taste off. People will surrender their individuality and persona to find comfort in the crowd. I hope you never learn to line-dance.  Never blame your self when friendships, romance or family disappoint you or let you down. By pretending to be someone you are not or being someone you are expected to be may get you acceptance and lots of friends but they are false. Always be your self and if that means standing out from the crowd and maybe having less friends, so be it. I assure you the smaller groups of friends will be so honest and genuine that the power will outweigh anything a fake existence can offer. They will never drop you if you refuse to play their games or reflect their denials.

For so much of my youth and young adult years I carried the believe that I was to blame for everything. It was my fault I was abused, my fault that my dad died, my fault my mother played mind games, my fault my step-dad wanted nothing to do with me and my fault that I had no friends or girlfriends. I believed with total conviction that something was wrong with me, so I found comfort in the cold isolation of the darkness. Only at the age of 23 did I start to see through my delusion and start to inspect every single brick in my construction. I spent 10 years on the road seeking truth and healing, I learned that acceptance is painless but getting there is absolute agony. I did get there and I forgave everyone and every event in my life. Even the cruelty and evil actions of my step-mother I forgave. I was able to do this because I learned to see the person behind the title the person held in my life. My mother, Father, step family and sister were all people. Unique individual people that had lived their lives exposed to other peoples conceptions, expectations, rules and obligations. They were built brick by brick by the people and events in their lives. I realized something must have happened in their lives to create the way I felt treated by them. What had happened to my step-mum to make her act the way she did to me, the ability for her to do those things had to be installed somewhere in her past.

I could clearly see that I was acting and behaving in ways that had been influenced by the people I have been exposed to. So it seemed only logical that people were acting and behaving towards me from their own historical exposures and influences. Then came the biggest realization, I could continue acting upon the influence of others or I could find my own ideas. So long as I continued acting from the experience of my past I would chain my self to the pain they caused me and will continue to be their victim. The first step to breaking the circle and becoming free is to forgive and let go.

I am hoping I can place enough of my truths, as I see them, here for you to read should you find them. I hope they may help you make sense of the madness that life can be. Maybe help you understand how a bunch of people can come to completely different conclusions to the same event. I said in my first post that people will always interpret things from their own point of view. The key to being happy and at peace is to accept this fact. Please do not blame your self if people do not always agree with your view or do not accept your view. I made that mistake and it eat away at my life like a cancer. I left you due to my own conceptions of the situation, it was not your fault as you did absolutely nothing wrong and neither did your mother.

I still struggle with this concept of life and truth son, I am far from healed and very far from perfect. I have come to witness and learn lots of life's complexities and truths but necessarily how to live them. I am lonely son and have so much longing in my soul with no where for it to go. I do not fit in very well with society and I rely on sport for my friendships. You do not have to talk much in sport as you just turn up and play. I have never been able to learn to let my hair down and have fun, you should see me in nightclubs I am such a fish out of water! I know the reasons my life is still full of pain and I am always working towards its repair and recovery. I left it very late in my life to attempt change, to find the courage to face responsibility. I prey that you do not let this happen to you. 

Your mother and I would never intentionally hurt you, we love you to much. We often forget just how much air is shared between people though and we breath in other people actions and they can contaminate our hearts and souls. We may never get to know the unintentional pain we can cause people. All it takes to make unintentional cuts is an overheard conversation out of context or a flippant remark . In a comment on my other post a man referred to this as 'Non-directed violence'. I felt you needed balance and believed that was more likely to come from your mother. The relationship between you and your mother needed some change and I hoped by removing myself that would improve.

The hardest part is that I still love your mum so much, but another lesson you may find is that sometimes love just is not enough. Your mother and I allowed our fears, personality issues and pride to blockade our path to a future together. We had some amazing times and experiences together, you were the very best of those. None of this stops me carrying two photos in my wallet, the first is of your mother and I holding you when you were about 2 and the other photo is a black and white photo of your mother that I just adore. 

Jane, your mum, has a large family full of sisters with kids. You will never be alone or unloved around them. I love you unquestioningly and totally, I may have the lost the right to be your father but you will always be a sun to me. I was asked if it would have made a difference if we were biologically related. I am not sure to be honest, I think maybe though. I was in no position to apply for custody of you as my emotional state was far from stable and I was in a period of transition. I believe that the size, capacity of love and support of Jane's larger family would have led me to still remove myself.

You and I had just a beautiful relationship, we never fought, I never had to tell you off too much, you did what was asked and we laughed so much. I just do not understand how you could be so disobedient in your actions towards your mother. I think Jane carried a lot of resentment towards me because of how good you were for me. You would tell me everything but nothing to your mum. She did not even know you could count to 20. I have my theories but it would be unjust and unfair of me to discus your mother without her being able to defend herself or place her counter opinion.

Well I have rambled here long enough. I am not sure how this will progress, after I wrote the first one I was quite pleased someone asked questions. I think I will treat is a diary from now on. Then you know what is happening with my life and that I am thinking of you. I will finish by answering another question, I write this for us both.

My love always, Quinn.

Daddy x

Author's Note

In response to questions asked by Truth Seeker in 'Entry 01 - Wrong choice fro the right reasons'.

1) How would you think your son feels about being abandoned?
2) Do you think your son can forgive you for abandoning him?
3) If he was your biological son would you have made the same decision?
4) You made a brave choice but what if you are wrong?

Reviews

[Truth Seeker]

Fair play, I was just being cheeky, did not think you would answer them, Nice job.