Chapter One

A Chapter by Kirsten

I laid in my bed, watching my sister pace around the room, speaking a mile a minute to someone on the phone.

I didn’t know why she insisted on finding someone to watch over me, while she went to work.

I was a full blown 26-year-old adult.

Sure, I had recently gotten out of the hospital for a drug overdose, but in my defense, I thought the pills would have done their job, before my sister showed up to water my plants.

Stupid plants.

Why did I even have plants?

Someone who is actively planning their suicide, doesn’t need f*****g plants.

Because eventually, someone will come over to water them, when you tell them you’re going out of town.

Going out of town, is my code word for trying to kill myself.

And then they will find you, half unconscious, your bottle of pills and choice of poison, clearly visible on the kitchen counter, because you’re too stupid to put away the evidence.

Damn plants.

It’s all their fault.

Also, partly mine, when I agreed to give my sister a key.

But sometimes, I really was going out of town, and I really did need someone to water my plants.

And I could trust my sister, to not snoop around my place, while she watered them.

She had a husband and two kids.

She didn’t have time to snoop for dirt on me, like the good old days.

As if I had anything darker in my closet, than wanting to end my life.

“So, is that a no?” She yelled into the phone.

She paused at the foot of my bed. “Fine.”

She hung up the phone and looked over at me.

“Chris can’t come over. He’s too busy being occupied with kids.”

“Melissa, those are your kids he’s busy watching.”

“So what?” She scoffed. “We have a babysitter on speed dial, for reasons exactly like this.”

“Having to stay over at your sister’s house, because you foiled her suicide attempt? Huh that’s oddly specific, to tell your babysitter.”

“Lil, can you be serious for one damn second?” She stated, staring down at me.

I sighed. “What do you want me to say? I already told you that you didn’t have to watch me anymore. I’m not going to try it again. There’s a Harry Potter marathon on. I need to be alive to watch Harry Potter, Melissa.”

“God, you’re unbearable.”

“I tried to fix that problem, but you got in the way.” I replied, sarcastically.

“I didn’t f*****g mean it like that, Lily. Clearly, the inappropriate jokes are a family trait.”

“One of our best, I’d say. Right after impeccable timing.” I replied.

“I’m just going to have to call off work again.”

“Don’t do that.”

“Well, I’m not leaving you alone. Not yet.” She replied.

“I’m fine!”

She walked out into the hall, to tell her boss she wouldn’t be in again, due to her mentally unstable sister.

I wasn’t mentally unstable.

I just tried to kill myself.

Big freaking whoop.

Melissa paused outside of my open front door, and I could hear her let out an excited ‘hey’ to someone.

“You’re friends with my sister, right?” I heard her ask.

I stood up from the bed, trying to figure out who she was talking to.

Next thing I know, she’s striding back into my apartment, with my next door neighbor in hand.

“Melissa, what the hell?!” I asked, as I tried to cover myself up, seeing as I only had on a t-shirt and underwear.

“This is your friend, right?” She asked, smiling at me.

“Yes. But probably not anymore.” I replied.

“Hey, I have a favor to ask you.” She said to my male neighbor.

“Melissa, don’t!” I protested.

“Are you doing anything today?” She asked him.

“Are you trying to pick me up, right now?” He asked, sarcastically.

“What? No.” She replied. “Your name is…?”

“Finn.” He replied.

“Finn! Great!” She started. “Finn, do you have plans for today?”

He shrugged and nodded. “Harry Potter marathon.”

I let out a laugh.

“What a coincidence. Those are Lily’s plans too.” Melissa started.

“Are you picking me up, for Lily?” Finn asked.

“No one is asking you out on a date.” Melissa said. “Look, my sister and you are friends. And I really need someone to watch her for me, while I’m at work. I’ll be back by 8 PM. And I’ll pay you. A hundred bucks.”

“So, you need a babysitter for your adult sister?”

“A simple yes or no, is all I need.”

“Uh, sure. Yeah I guess.” He replied.

“Fantastic.” She said. “I’ll be back at 8, and I’ll bring your cash. Lil, I’ll see you later.”

“Leaving so soon?” I joked. “Hurry back. I’ll miss you.”

She rolled her eyes, as she exited the room, closing the door behind her.

I smiled sheepishly over at Finn.

His dark brown, wavy hair, hung over his right eye slightly, as he looked over at me.

His moody, brooding artist vibe, was in full swing today.

“You don’t have to stay. Just come back over around 7:30, to give the illusion that you’ve been here all day.” I said, pulling down the hem of my t-shirt.

“You mean I get to see your sister again? Looking forward to that.”

“Yeah. She’s great.” I said, as I made a fake cheesy smile.

“Why does she need someone to watch you? Are you sick?” He asked.

I shook my head. “If you ask her that question, she’d say yes. But, no I’m not sick.”

“Then what’s going on?”

“Have you not been here the past 2 weeks?” I asked.

“No, I was in Boston. Trying to get some inspiration.”

“Oh, well a lot has went down recently.” I replied.

“Did you suddenly get transported back into time, and are now 10 years old, and require a babysitter?”

“Man, I wish.”

“What happened then?”

I took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “I tried to kill myself.”

His green eyes got wide, as he pushed the hanging hipster hair, out of his face.

“What?” He asked, shock in his voice.

I nodded. “Yeah, obviously I wasn’t successful. Hence why I need to be watched.”

He was silent, possibly stunned.

“I- I didn’t know you were feeling that way.” He finally said.

“It’s not something I usually broadcast.” I started. “Hi, hello. I’m Lily. I like pizza, coffee shops, and the occasional suicide attempt.”

“That’d make for one hell of a Tinder bio.” He replied.

“You’re right. I should update it.”

“I’d swipe right, for sure.” He said.

“I can always count on you, Finn.”

“So.” He started. “Suicide, huh?”

He took off his shoulder bag and sat down on the edge of my bed.

“Yeah.” I breathed.

“Was this…the first time you…?”

I shook my head. “No, this is the second try. The first was about 10 years ago.”

He nodded. “16. Lots of hormones running around up there. The pressure to fit in in high school. The rise of Emo music. Understandable.”

“Yeah. Hawthorne Heights, did have a big hand in it.” I replied.

“Are they to blame this time around?” He asked.

I shrugged. “They don’t have much going on these days. I can blame them again. I’ll be all cool and retro.”

“Can I ask you a more serious question?”

“Did I attend a Hawthorne Heights concert? Yes. 3 times.”

“Okay, can I ask you a follow up question?”

“Yes, I did enjoy it. And not ironically.”

“I’m not sure we can be friends anymore.” He said.

“It was good while it lasted.”

He stared up at me, as he chewed his bottom lip. I could tell he wanted to ask me a more serious question.

“You want to know why I did it.” I said, as I took a seat next to him on my bed.

“No, my serious question was if you’d ever seen the world’s most depressing band live before, and lived to tell the tale. I have no other questions. But since you’re offering…”

“I’ll answer it.”

“I’m nervous to know the answer.”

“Don’t be.” I started.

I looked over at him, seeing his expressive pale green eyes staring back at me.

If I could talk to anyone about this, it was Finn.

He just got me.

“So, why did you do it?” He asked, almost whispering.

I fidgeted with the hem of my shirt, trying not to expose my underwear to him anymore than I already had.

“I just…I’m done. You know?” I started. “I feel like my life has reached a point, where nothing really matters to me anymore. Nothing makes me overly happy, or sad, or angry. I’m just…emotionless about things that most people aren’t. Nothing excites me anymore. I just wade through the days, waiting for something to spark my interest again. I’ve been wading for the last 10 years. I’m ready to be done.”

He continued to stare at me.

I had a feeling that he was going to call bullshit, and try and tell me all of the things in life I had to be excited about.

That there are so many things worth living for, I just was too depressed to see them.

That I needed to just get some professional help, and everything would go back to normal.

Finally, he answered.

“I get it.”

“Holy s**t.” I expressed. “You do?”

He nodded. “Yeah. I get exactly what you’re saying. You’re just over all of this. You’re done.”

“I- I can’t believe you get it. I was waiting for you to start naming things off that I have to live for.”

“It’s not my place to tell you what’s worth your time or not. If you feel that you’ve completed everything you’ve wanted to, that your life is fulfilled, who am I to tell you it’s not?”

“I knew you’d understand. No one has ever understood what I’m feeling.” I replied.

“You can always count on me, remember?” He smiled.

“I didn’t want to bum you out. I usually don’t talk to anyone about this. Well, because no one really gets it. And they just try to talk me out of it, refer me to a good therapist. I’ll admit myself to a mental hospital, before I’d go back to therapy.”

“Therapy is kind of a waste sometimes. Depending on the person.” He replied.

“You’ve been?” I asked.

“Briefly, when I was about 17. Knee deep in my ‘I’m emo, no one understands me’ phase.”

“So, you grew out of it, then?”

“Not really. Although I’ve switched to semi- peppier music.” He replied.

“Yeah, nothing screams happy times, quite like The Smiths.” I joked.

“Speaking of, I went to the record store the other day and found something I think you’ll like.”

“Great Segway. Knew you couldn’t handle the ‘how depressed are you’ talk.”

“Aren’t all of our conversations heavily saturated in underlying depression?” He asked.

“Or irony.”

“Touché.”

“Did you get more hipster overnight? Is it contagious? Should I wear a face mask?” I asked.

“Unfortunately, I gave it to you 4 years ago.”

I fake gasped for drama. “Sneaky b*****d.”

“Sadly, there’s no cure.”

“Moving out of Brooklyn, might be a good start.” I replied.

“Do we dare?”

“And risk becoming materialistic obsessed Upper East Siders? I shudder at the thought.” I answered.

“Are you sure I gave you the hipster disease? That statement makes me think it’s the other way around.” He asked.

“The world may never know.”

“Guess it’s too late, for both of us.”

I nodded, as we fell into a brief silence.

“You don’t have to stay. Really. I’m sure you want to get settled after your trip.” I said.

“And miss all seven Harry Potter movies, and you pointing out where they veered off from the books? Never.”

“Finn, seriously.”

“No, no. I don’t mind. We can make a whole day of it. Unless you want to be alone.”

“I could use the company of someone who doesn’t share the same DNA as me.” I replied.

“As far as I know, I qualify for that job.”

“You’re hired!” I smiled.

“Want to get some coffee?” He asked.

“Desperately.” I replied as I stood up. “Just let me put on pants.”

He nodded in return.

I walked over to my dresser, pulling out a pair of black leggings.

I pulled them on, keeping my Silversun Pickups t-shirt on.

I grabbed my denim jacket, and pulled it on, followed by my shoes.

“Ready.” I said, as I swung my purse over my shoulder.

We made our way out of my apartment, and down the stairs to street level.

“I was thinking we could get take out, to go along with our H.P. binge.” I said.

“Chinese?”

“God, you’re perfect.”

We made our way into our favorite coffee shop, located in the bottom of our apartment building.

It was perfect timing, right in between their morning rush and lunch.

We walked in to an almost empty room, with worn in brick walls, and cozy nooks to curl up in, with a good book and a hot cup of coffee.

We approached the counter.

“Hey, Finn, Lily.” The barista, named Colin, greeted us.

“Hey.” We both replied.

“Black dark roast for Finn and a Flat White for Lily?” Colin asked.

“Correct, for me.” Finn replied.

“I’m going to switch it up a bit this time, Colin.” I said.

“So, a London Fog?” Colin asked me.

“My favorite person.” I smiled at him.

“Finn, that will be $2.75.” Colin said, as he punched in stuff at the register.

“Add in Lily’s to that total.” Finn replied.

“I can pay.” I chimed in.

“I know you can.” He said simply to me. He turned his attention back to Colin. “What’s my new total?”

“$6.25.”

Finn nodded as he paid for our drinks.

“Look at you, being all classic 90’s movie best friend, who I later realize I was in love with the whole time.” I joked.

“God, please tell me I’m Heath Ledger from 10 Things I Hate About You.”

“More like Joseph Gordon Levitt. But more edgy.” I replied.

“So, basically Heath Ledger.”

“Fine. You’re Heath Ledger.”

“My day has been made.”

“You’re easy to please.” I said.

“In most areas of my life.” He winked.

“Here you go guys.” Colin said, as he placed our mugs on the counter.

We grabbed them and headed to our favorite empty table, situated next to one of the giant windows, looking out onto the street.

I took a seat, and stared out at the grey clouds filling the sky.

The Postal Service’s We Will Become Silhouettes, started playing softly in the background.

Finn took a sip of his black coffee.

I could feel his eyes resting on me.

I looked over at him, and caught him just staring at me.

“Yes?” I asked.

“No.” He replied simply.

“You were staring at me.”

“How do you know? You were staring out the window.” He asked, taking another sip of coffee.

“Because I have a sixth sense.”

“Your sixth sense is knowing whether someone is staring at you or not? Sounds like a waste of a super hero power, to me.”

“Since when is a sixth sense a super hero power?”

“When it’s not something lame like staring detection.”

“One man’s opinion.” I replied.

“And this man is definitely right.”

“Everything is always an argument with you, isn’t it? Jeeze, I should have listened to everyone that warned me about you.” I joked, sipping my tea latte.

“You mean my long line of exes?” He asked.

“Long line of exes? What is this? Scott Pilgrim?”

“Yes. But less physical fighting.”

“You mean I don’t have to fight your seven evil exes to be with you? What’s the fun in that?” I asked.

“You fight with your sixth sense. And whoops, your sixth sense is noticing people staring at you. And oh no, Tina just used her super human strength to throw you against a wall! And you lost. You had one job, Lily. One job.” He joked.

We exchanged smiles.

“You’re such an a*s.” I laughed.

“I’ll be taking that London Fog back, now.” He said, as he reached across the table and started pulling my mug towards him.

“Over my dead, un-caffeinated body.” I replied, as I grabbed onto the cup, pulling it back towards me.

“Too soon for death jokes.” He replied, shaking his head.

“When will death jokes be back on the table? Because I’m coming up with some good ones.”

“When I can forget that you saw Hawthorne Heights in concert, 3 separate times.”

“So, never.”

“Basically.”

I grabbed an invisible pen, and began pretending to write something down. “No death jokes ever. Blame Hawthorne Heights.”

“Also write down that Finn is the funniest person ever, and is your inspiration for everything.”

“Finn is delusional. Got it.” I smiled up at him.

“I was staring at you, though.” He said, after a long pause.

“Why?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Your sister told me to watch you. Did she not mean that literally?”

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t you have work?”

“I have off today.”

“Lucky me.” I smirked, taking a sip.

“I’m all yours, baby.” He joked.

“You’re going to make some girl very happy one day.” I said sarcastically.

“One day? Not right now?” He asked.

“You have more growing to do, young grasshopper.”

“Are you going to be my guide to find true love?” He asked.

“Depends. How much does it pay?”

“I pay in coffee.” He replied.

“As much coffee as I want?”

He nodded.

“I’m in.” I said.

“You start right now.”

“Okay, describe your dream girl.”

“Someone who hasn’t seen Hawthorne Heights 3 times in concert.” He replied.

“Still can’t let that go, huh?” I asked.

“It was just so shocking.”

“That is the most shocking thing I’ve told you today?”

“The only thing that comes to mind. Was there something else…?” He trailed off. “Oh right! The suicide thing.”

“Very funny.”

“I’m just trying to lighten the mood.” He replied. “But, on a serious note, I did have a few more questions about it.”

“Ask away.” I said.

“Does anyone else know why you tried to do it? Do they know the real reason?”

I shook my head. “They wouldn’t understand even if I tried to explain it to them. They see things very black and white and I’ve been living in the grey area. They don’t get it at all.”

“So, I’m the only person that gets it?”

I nodded. “Seems that way.”

“Are you going to try to do it again?”

“Whoa, no holding back, huh?”

“Well, I’m watching you. I deserve to know if I should be watching you a little more closely.” He replied.

“I don’t know.”

“I don’t buy that.”

I sighed. “Yeah. I guess. Eventually I’ll probably try it again.”

He was silent, as he stared across the table at me.

“You wanted me to be honest. I’m being honest.” I added.

“Honesty is great. But sometimes the answers hurt a little.”

“I thought you said you get it?” I asked.

“I do. I totally do.” He started. “But, that doesn’t mean that I’m not upset by it.”

“That’s why I don’t bother telling anyone. I know it would just upset them. And that’s a tad selfish.”

“Them being upset is selfish?” He asked, confused.

“Yeah.” I began. “They would rather me suffer, so that they don’t have to deal with the grief that would come along with me being gone. They’re putting their own happiness over mine. That’s the definition of being selfish.”

“You want them to let you die?” He asked.

I was quiet.

I looked down at my almost empty coffee cup, seeing the dim lights above me reflecting in the pale brown liquid.

I nodded, reluctantly, afraid what he would think of my answer.

Afraid he would see me differently.

I finally looked up from my drink, seeing his green eyes softening as he continued to stare at me, his dark brown tresses a stark contrast against his pale white skin.

“Is that really what you want?” He asked.

I locked eyes with his.

“Yes.”

I could see his full lips tense up, pressing into a hard line, his eyes still locked with mine.

He swallowed hard.

“I’ll help you.”

“What do you mean, help me?” I asked, confused.

“I’ll help you end it.”

“What- you’re going to hold the gun to my head for me, and pull the trigger if I chicken out?”

He shook his head. “No, I’m not going to kill you. Don’t be so morbid.”

“Then what the hell do you mean?”

“I’ll make it so that you can end it, with no distractions, no interruptions.”

I stared at him hard, not believing what he was suggesting.

“You’re going to help me commit suicide? You’re just going to help me pick a date, find the supplies, and then help me complete the task?”

“In harsh words, yes.”

“That’s absolutely bat s**t crazy. Do you realize how f*****g crazy you sound right now?”

“How is that crazy? You said that you can’t do it, because your family will be on top of you, and won’t ever let you have free will to decide whether you want to live or not. I’m offering to help you, so that you can get what you want.”

I shook my head.

“Your sister is trusting me, right now, to look after you. To make sure you don’t try anything. I could offer to keep watching you. I live right across the hall. She’d never object to it.”

“I- no, this is f*****g crazy, Finn. I would never ask you to do something like this.”

“I know you wouldn’t.” He said. “That’s why I’m offering.”

“But- you…you can’t do something like this. I won’t let you. I won’t put you through that.”

“I’d do anything for you.” He said.

“You’d be so fucked up afterwards. The guilt. You’d never get over it.”

“I’m willing to take that chance.”

“My family would blame you. They’d never let you forget that I died on your watch.”

He shrugged. “Then let them blame me. I don’t care. I want you to be happy, Lily. And I know you’re not happy.”

I shook my head. “This is f*****g insane.”

“It’s a plan. A solution that would work. Let me help you. Please.”

I sighed greatly, running my hands through my black shoulder length hair.

“Are you serious?” I asked.

“For once, yes. I’m being completely serious.”

“And you’re sure about this? You promise me you won’t have any regrets?”

“The only regret I’d have, is if I stood in the way of your happiness. If this is what you truly want- if you’re 150 percent sure- I’ll do it for you, regardless of the repercussions.”

“F**k.” I breathed.

“I only have one stipulation.” He said.

I looked at him, waiting to hear the rule to his offer.

“30 days.” He said.

“30 days?” I asked.

He nodded. “Give me 30 days, one month, to spend with you before you do it.”

“Every day for one month?” I asked.

“Every day for one month.”

“Why?”

“Believe it or not, I enjoy spending time with you. I consider you one of my closest friends, if not the closest. And I want your last 30 days on Earth to be the best they can be.” He said.

“You won’t spend that month trying to convince me to change my mind?”

“No. We will do anything you want. Go anywhere you want. All I ask are 30 days to spend with you, before you’re gone. If you happen to change your mind, on you own, you can call the whole thing off. But if you keep to your plan- on that last day, I’ll keep my promise and say goodbye.”

I pondered his proposition, a million emotions and thoughts running through my mind.

I kept replaying everything he had said to me in the last few minutes, trying to make sure I had a grasp of what he was offering.

“Deal?” He asked.

I looked up at him again, giving everything one last thought.

“Deal.”