I´m telling you the Truth

You don´t even know why all of a sudden you give myself away to some stranger, and you´re probably going to regret doing it when you´re not desperate and tearing up over some s****y thing that you won´t even remember.

 

Nothing matters really, you´re a mess, you don´t care, you´ve stopped caring because it seems like nothing is worth it anymore.

Tell me, has anything ever been worth anything?

All we got of value in this short life are our actions, and even those are eventually forgotten, lost.

Human emotion. Some would call it weakness, some would call it a gift. The ability to feel something for another human being is something that can never be taken from us, it is our way of surving in this harsh landscape that is life.

 

It´s times like these when you just feel so alone, and afterwards, after thinking it over for a while, you feel so egosentric because you´re not even alone, you know there are people who love you and people who would miss you.

You sometimes wish that you really was on your own, because being loved by someone is a huge f*****g responsibility.

Just let me dissapear, you scream, fill my days with something that won´t let me think so much all the goddamn time, please, I need a break from my own mind.

These thoughts are churning in your head, all the time, you want them to stop so that you can breathe for a second. You burry myself in films and shows and music, just so that you´ll be able to not think for a second and just breathe.

You´ve lived a hundred lives, you´ve felt more alive through the minds of fictional characters than you ever have in my own skin.

Maybe one day you´ll wake, up, and your skin will turn gray and crumble, and you´ll turn to dust. Maybe the window will be open, maybe the dust will drift out over the streets and forests and mountains, maybe you´ll become nothing, maybe you´ll become everything.

You don´t know, for you might have lived many lives, but you´ve never once died.

 

Death facinates you. It´s something so close that we feel it in our bodies and even souls, but at the same time such a universal feeling, the inevitable end of the line, the end of all things. But what comes after the end? What can there be when the everything is gone, but the nothing?

 

You don´t believe in God. You don´t know if there is one, a creator of all. You don´t want to believe in heaven, for if life is not over when we die, when will it ever be? If you were forced to live a thousand lives, wouldn´t you wish to just disappear?

Maybe you´ve already lived that many times, but that all your lives are hidden between the nothing and the everything, a place where you can never reach them?

Every time you turn to dust, you will get a glimpse of all those lost lives, and for those split seconds you are the most alive that you will ever be.

Every life you have ever spent, trying so desperatlely to figure out who you are, is splayed out in front of you, like a puzzle, and you see it all so clearly in that moment, you know. But when you reach out to put the last piece in its place, you discover that you have no arms and no legs and no body, not even a mind, and before you know it, you are thrown into life once again, and you start searching for the missing puzzle piece, although it´s still right there in your hand.

That´s the tricky thing about life, you can never live long enough to figure the riddle out, while at the same time, you cannot be sure you´ve got the right answer until you are dead, turned to dust, and then it will be to late, and you will have to try again and again and again. Only when you are nothing, you will know the truth, you will be the truth.

And how does nothing become the truth, the everything? Our world is made up by the nothing surrounding the matter, and therefore nothing must be everything.

You are nothing, and you are everything.

You are the truth.

When you turn to dust, you will be there greeting you, and you are hoping that you have finally found the missing link, that you have found the truth in one of those countless lives, and every time the answer will be the same, the nothing will become everything again and you will tell yourself this time, you will find it, because now you think you know what you are looking for and then you will forget, and the last piece will remain there right before your blind eyes until the end of time and even then the nothing will be there. Now it has lost it´s everything, it´s become less than nothing,  and you will be neither dead nor alive, neither nothing nor everything.

 

At last, you will be gone.

 

Author's Note

Personally I feel like this is really messy. Not so strange perhaps, taking in to account I was a mess when I wrote it. Just wanted to put it out there.

Constructive feedback is always appreciated.

PS: Not proofread, rough draft.