Haiku #5

the staff is my plan
and the notes my passengers
road to happiness

Author's Note

Does it look right?

Reviews

[Andrea]

It looks great Jared. It works on so many levels. On first reading, I felt you were writing about music. When I reread it I felt you were writing about a walking holiday. Perhaps you were not intentionally writing about either of these - but both these interpretations brought a sense of happiness to me. I feel I will get something different each time I read it, and for me this is one of the most magical aspects of poetry. I really enjoyed reading your work, and I look forward to reading more.

[Jared Michael Smith]

Thank you so much! :D My original intent was music, but I can see where you come from with the walking holiday. I'm so glad you enjoyed it! :)

[EloisaWrites]

I deleted my original comment which says I am confused. Upon re-reading it, I understood what you meant with the words. I think it is okay. But, if it's okay with you, I would like to suggest replacing the word 'guide' to 'map' in the first stanza just to make it more compact. Let me explain my suggestion.
The first time I read it, I thought that it is about writing because of the word 'notes', So I originally thought that 'staff' means stick. It was a very naive interpretation on my part, I am sorry. Then, upon re-reading it, I realized that this is about music; staff and notes. But then, if it is about music, then the last line would be out of place: 'road to happiness', which is only linked to the verses with the word 'passengers'. So, I think, changing the word 'guide' (which can mean a lot of things) to 'map' (which I think is more related to roads, passengers and driving) will make it more compact, style-wise. Nevertheless, I love this piece, too. :)

[Jared Michael Smith]

The staff can actually have two meanings: the bars on a line of music or a walking stick. Both of these relate back to the "musical journey" aesthetic. And thanks for reviewing. :)

[EloisaWrites]

Aha! You have commented before I re-post my review. I'm sorry for the first review. It was naive of me. :'(

[Jared Michael Smith]

Don't worry about it. :)

[Jared Michael Smith]

I can see where that would work better, so thanks for the suggestion. :) I'll go ahead and fix it.

[:o]

Music is a spiritual journey that is well worth taking. It looks fine.

[Jared Michael Smith]

Thank you! :) And I agree. Music is the essence of life itself! ^_^

[ZeniaK]

A music haiku! I like this a lot. Yes, it looks right to me.

[Jared Michael Smith]

Glad you liked it. ;) Thanks for the review!

[ZeniaK]

anytime buddy!

[captain]

Direct and profound. I do wish I could find that road soon, all I have in me is patience and perhaps it will go a long way, stretching the boundaries I have in me. Nice thoughts, and very well expressed!

[Jared Michael Smith]

Thanks, Captain! :) I'm glad my directness shone through, as that is what I really want with my poetry.

[captain]

no problemo Jared, it's a pleasure to read such wisdom in your thoughts.