Without You

My cold, black heart

Tore us apart.

Your absence leaves my mind dark

As you’ve left a irremovable mark.

I’m trapped in a painful maze with no escape,

Except to be back in your arms which I will never make.

Change has grasped me in its beastly claws

A agonizing reminder of our recent wars.

I wish they could see you the way I do

I wish you knew how much I love you.

You are perfect in every way.

As perfect as the moon and stars which beneath we once lay.

Your hypnotizing eyes that let me know everything was allright

And your floppy blonde hair that causes me to regret our fight.

I love your amazing smile when it spreads across your face

And the way you laugh makes my heart race.

I could stay with you for hours and not talk

Or silently hold your hand as we walk.

No one will ever love you as much as I do

I hope you can see that is true.

Every day is just another day without you,

And it pains me to realize there is nothing I can do.

After everything I did after everything I said,

I deserve to be rotting in the ground cold and dead.

You are the one I live for,

Without you there is nothing more.

What we had is to hard to forget

It’s like when you lose everything after one wrong bet.

I should crawl away and die

because saying I could live without you is a lie.

 

Reviews

[Shelby]

I must say, an impressive poem. The rhythm got lost a few times and a few of the rhymes were forced, but overall, this is quite good. I especially love the opening lines, which were a cut above most opening lines. One comment: you wrote "a irremoveable mark" and it should be an irremoveable mark. This is a very painful subject and you wrote about it honestly, openly, and eloquently. Thank you for sharing.

[Short.Nerd]

Great poem!

[Sweet & Tender Hooligan]

A interesting and heartfelt piece. I agree with some of the other reviews that suggest it could be even more powerful split up into stanzas. Also I would leave out or write less 'I's' and also instead of saying the word 'heart' there are other ways of expressing the feelings felt in the heart without saying heart. Other than that this is a beautiful and emotional poem.

[fernii]

Nice :)

[cfix]

This is a very touching write here. I enjoyed this write.

[Patches I'm not so new..]

To say that this a mere song would be, at best, an understatement.
This is a lyrical expresson of young love aaah to be in throes of such emotion is to be blessed indeed but I would agree with Cynthia and Karina your poems would read a whole lot better if broken into stanzas or as I perfer to name them "strophes" just a matter of semantics is all.

[Karina Longo]

This is a beautiful lyrical poem. Flows so gently, though I agree with Cynthia - splitting it up in stanzas would make it even prettier.
Other than that, it's a strong piece, a very good one indeed!

[Cynthia]

Really touching and relatable! I love the rhyme of your poem, it makes it really smooth, also, the flow is really nice! I also love the way you describe different things. However, I suggest you to split it in stanza, it will make it easier to read :)

Powerful and beautiful, wonderful!
Amazing!

[Zackery Alan Daley]

Reminds me of lyrics, providing the necessary tweaks and structure. Pierce the Veil comes to mind in fact, perhaps you should listen to them. By no means did you copy though, this is a great piece, full of a confused panic that is alone inside of your own head. Great job.

[K8lyn]

This was touching. It was really good...esp loved the ending. but also have to agree with Shelby, some of those rhymes were a bit forced.
I enjoyed it :)