Friends

Can depression be a friend when no one else is there?

January 1st, 2017
Time- 12:34 AM

Well. It's a new year. That means new opportunities and new experiences. New friends. New places to go. New things to see. Another year of living.

Who am I kidding.

It's a new year.

But it's not a new opportunity.

January 6th, 2017
Time- 7:46 AM

School starts back up today. Back to 11th grade.

January 13th, 2017
Time- 7:30 AM

I think that the first week going back to school went well. I'm sorry I didn't record the first day, I was busy with work. And then Emma called- You know how she gets- And then I forgot.

I miss her, and it sucks that she transferred schools. I'd never ask her to come back, because I know how she hated it here, but it still is no fun without her.

I try to tell her I'm happy, but... I think she knows better. She kept asking. And I kept lying, but I don't think she's buying it. At least she can't tell my mom anything anymore since she doesn't really know.

But, I think, in a way, that's worse. She doesn't know.

I miss my friend.

January 15th, 2017
Time- 7:00 AM

Something was wrong last night. I don't know what it is, but I just kept getting that feeling. And no I'm not nervous about my test again. I kept feeling something touch me, but even after I left the light on I couldn't see anything.

But I could feel it.

It was all over me. Someone was definitely touching me.

Maybe I'm crazy.

January 16th, 2017
Time- 7:00 AM

It was worse last night. Mom and Dad are oblivious and Kim- You remember my younger sister- Doesn't seem to care. She's too busy with her 7th boyfriend anyway. Sometimes I wish I was like her.

Her biggest worry is who she's dating.

But I think that I may be getting bad again.

No I'm not going to talk about it with you. I know that's what you want.

January 27th, 2017
Time- 6:30 AM

Things have been really bad. Like, really bad.

Jason moved back, and so did all his rumors.

Well, are they still rumors if they're true? They are meant to be hurtful, but I can't deny them. I wish Emma was here.

February 2nd, 2017
Time- 6:26 AM

I felt it again.

I know it's there. It keeps touching me.

I tried to tell Emma, but I couldn't. I know she won't understand. Or she'll tell my mom, which is relatively worse.

I don't have any friends.

A new girl moved to school a few days ago. She's nice. And attractive. She even told me I was pretty.

I wonder when she'll become one of the rest.

When she'll find out.

February 7th, 2017
Time- 6:20 PM

I found out that girl's name. It's Kati, but she pronounces it with a stretched letter a, like in the word cottage.

I think her real name is Katherine. I don't think I'll ask.

February 9th, 2017
Time- 6:00 AM

I've been waking up earlier. I'm not sure why. I just can't seem to sleep longer anymore.

Also, Kati gave me her number today. I'm surprised. She hasn't once even asked my sexuality. But I think she's guessed.

I think we have something in common.

February 13th, 2017
Time- 6:00 PM

Well, it's the day before that dreaded holiday once more and once more I'm preparing to lock down all my feelings and try to ignore the countless hearts and shades of pink.

I'm going to try to ignore Kati and the way she talks around me. I don't want to get my hopes up.

I'm also going to try to ignore the sounds I keep hearing in the night.

February 18th, 2017
Time- 5:48 AM

I woke up earlier this time. I swear I hear something in the house.

It's not Kit. You remember my cat. Yes very funny, Kit Cat. I was 9 alright.

Kati and I have been texting non stop. She gave me flowers for Valentine's Day. I felt bad because I didn't get her anything but I didn't expect her to give me anything.

Maybe I'll buy her a shirt or something.

February 23rd, 2017
Time- 6:30 AM

Kati asked me on a date! And I slept a little longer this time! Maybe things are going to be looking up for awhile.

February 24th, 2017
Time- 5:45 PM

Kati's mom found us kissing.

I'm not allowed to see her anymore.

February 26th, 2017
Time- 5:15 AM

I haven't slept tonight.

The noise is back.

March 4th, 2017
Time- 5:57 AM

I asked Kati if we could date in secret. She said she didn't want to risk it. She's moving away again.

I don't want to lose someone else.

March 7th, 2017
Time- 5:26 PM

Kit died today.

I buried him in the backyard.

No one asked if I was okay. I guess they know I would’ve lied anyway. Or maybe they just didn’t care.

March 14th, 2017
Time- 5:07 AM

I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy.

I keep hearing noises. Please make them stop. I keep hearing them. They're everywhere. They're screaming.

I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy.

Maybe I'm insane.

March 17th, 2017
Time- 4:54 AM

I'm sleeping less and less. I haven't told anyone.

Emma called again. She sounds happy. She even has a new boyfriend. I'm happy for her.

I didn't tell her about Kati.

I wish they would come back.

March 19th, 2017
Time- 4:57 AM

I woke up today crying. My window was unlocked on one latch. I know I locked them.

I always lock them.

Something is inside my room.

I'm too scared to turn on the light. If I'm going to die, I’m going to die in the dark.

March 23rd, 2017
Time- 6:27 AM

I slept more last night. My window was completely unlocked. I know I don't sleepwalk.

Maybe it was Kit. He always liked to talk to ghosts.

March 24th, 2017
Time- 7:00 AM

I got a call from Kati. She said she misses me. She also said she's dating else someone now.

And her mom is working on getting better now that she knows.

I can't help feeling jealous.

March 25th, 2017
Time- 3:18 PM

Dad's sick now.

Or maybe he’s been sick? I’m not really sure.

March 29th, 2017
Time- 4:13 AM

I wonder how Kit is doing underground. He never did like worms.

April 3rd, 2017
Time- 3:46 AM

I saw it. It's all black. It keeps opening my window. It wants me to jump.

Maybe I will.

April 5th, 2017
Time- 3:36 AM

It knows my name. I wonder if I know it somehow.

April 10th, 2017
Time- 3:45 AM

We're friends now. He has no name. But he's a he. He told me. He still wants me to jump. He wants a friend.

I'm going to tell Emma what's happening.

April 13th, 2017
Time- 4:10 AM

Emma has stopped calling.

April 19th, 2017
Time- 3:00 AM

I know he is evil. He terrifies me. But I don't want to lose my friend.

He says he's my only one.

I think he’s right.

April 23rd, 2017
Time- 5:27 AM

He hasn't come for awhile. Maybe he left me too.

April 27th, 2017
Time- 8:23 PM

Dad died today. He's been sick for a long time.

Mom doesn't seem to care.

Kim won't say anything.

Emma isn't here anymore.

Kati moved on.

April 30th, 2017
Time- 9:13 PM

He is spending the night tonight. He says he's sorry about my dad.

He still leaves my window unlocked at night.

May 6th, 2017
Time- 2:14 AM

School is ending soon.

I'm passing with good grades.

The teachers all still hate me. The students all still hate me.

I think Emma hates me.

Did Kati hate me too?

May 9th, 2017
Time- 4:19 PM

I met another friend today. His name is Loni. He lives a few hours away, but he was here visiting his grandma. He's also gay.

We talked for awhile. He's nice. And he doesn't care about my friend. He has one too.

May 14th, 2017
Time- 4:15 AM

Loni and I have been talking all night. It's nice to have another friend. I'm just sad he lives so far away. We don't get much time to talk.

Different time zones and all.

He has a twin sister.

She's nice.

May 17th, 2017
Time- 7:35 AM

I officially met Loni's sister for the first time. Her name is Holly.

She's gay too. But I'm scared to start another relationship.

They live with their mom. Their dad left them when they were little. They both have friends like mine.

They understand.

May 20th, 2017
Time- 10:28 PM

I've been talking to Loni and Holly. They talk about their friends a lot. I talk about mine a lot too.

Their friends don't leave their windows open. I may need to have a talk with mine.

May 28th, 2017
Time- 2:16 AM

My friend hasn't come back since I told him. Loni and Holly feel sorry and said they wish they could share their friends.

I told them it was okay. Mine will be back. I'm sure of it.

School ends today.

May 31st, 2017
Time- 1:14 AM

Someone took my phone. I checked.

All the messages from Holly and Loni are gone. They're all gone.

They haven't texted me back yet.

June 3rd, 2017
Time- 2:39 AM

They finally messaged me back. They got grounded because they skipped school without permission.

I think my friend played a trick on me. I think he's mad that I told him I don't like my window being unlocked.

June 5th, 2017
Time- 4:35 PM

My mom has been away all day at work. Kim is with a friend. I've been home alone all day.

I grabbed a knife earlier. I wanted to cut my teeth out. The thoughts are back.

I'm not excited for summer. I'm just excited school isn't here anymore.

I still never sleep through the night anymore.

June 7th, 201$
Time- 3:23 AM

My friend is mad at me. He says I don't need other friends. But I like Holly and Loni. They're nice.

I think I'll keep talking to them.

June 14th, 2017
Time- 2:17 PM

My mom isn't ever home anymore.

Kim has a new boyfriend. I hope it works out for her sake.

Holly says her friend has been being mean. I feel sorry for her.

June 19th, 2017
Time- 3:47 AM

I think my mom is mad at me. She doesn't talk to me anymore.

I'm scared.

Kit didn't come to visit like he normally does.

He comes once a week normally.

He didn't this time. Maybe my friend told him no. I'll have a talk with him.

June 21st, 2017
Time- 1:28 AM

My friend got mad again. He doesn't like when I ask if he did something. Even if he did it.

I think he's a bit selfish.

Holly and Loni are both sad for me now.

June 26th, 2017
Time- 4:51 AM

My friend told me to jump last night.

Holly and Loni convinced me not to.

I don't think he likes them anymore.

June 30th, 2017
Time- 2:14 AM

He's not here right now. He doesn't like me talking to Holly and Loni. I hate when he's here.

I want my friends.

July 6th, 2017
Time- 4:25 PM

Emma called my mom today to ask about me. I wish she would've called me instead.

My mom didn't tell her the truth.

I know it.

Emma didn't want to talk to me.

July 8th, 2017
Time- 3:58 AM

I think I'm tired of sleep. I don't enjoy it anymore.

I always have nightmares.

July 12th, 2017

I woke up covered in blood today.

I had to hide the razor.

My friend would be mad if he knew. But at least he’d care at all.

July 15th, 2017
Time- 5:34 AM

Holly says she doesn't like my friend. I feel bad for him but I know why she doesn't like him.

He's not easy to talk to.

He doesn't like to listen.

July 21st, 2017
Time- 4:44 AM

Loni said he's scared of his friend. He sent his away.

I wish I could send away mine.

July 22nd, 2017
Time- 1:53 AM

Holly says Loni is too sad to talk right now because he misses his friend.

I offered to share mine but she said it was okay.

She said she loves me. I love her too.

My friend won't let it happen. I know it.

July 25th, 2017
Time- 5:32 PM

Loni texted again today. I'm so glad. I missed him. He secretly wants Holly and me together.

July 29th, 2017
Time- 3:24 AM

My friend tried to push me today. I told him to stop.

He's getting mad.

August 3rd, 2017
Time- 6:11 AM

I don't care what my friend says right now. I love Holly.

Loni is really happy.

Holly's friend is happy too.

I wish mine was.

August 5th, 2017
Time- 2:31 AM

School starts again soon. I'm not excited.

Holly says her friend likes me. I wish I could say the same.

Loni's friend visited him. He said he is happy and wants his friend back. I understand. I have to.

August 11th, 2017
Time- 7:26

My mom says I have to start sleeping longer. I tried. My only solution is to go to bed later.

August 16th, 2017
Time-8:24 PM

School is getting closer. I can't believe I'll be a senior. At least my classes will be easier.

August 20th, 2017
Time- 5:31 AM

Holly and Loni haven't texted for awhile.

August 23rd, 2017
Time- 6:42 PM

I'm nervous about school. It's not far away.

My friend says school is pointless.

August 28th, 2017
Time- 12:01 AM

My 17th birthday is today.

Holly and Loni both texted me to wish me a happy birthday.

Kit even came to wish me good luck.

My friend asked if I was ready to jump.

September 2nd, 2017
Time- 7:03 AM

School starts late this year. I'm not ready to go back.

Holly and Loni don't go back for another week.

My friend doesn't follow me to school.

September 5th, 2017
Time- 3:33 AM

My friend is mad at me. He says I shouldn't leave my house.

I have to go to school though. Mom says.

September 10th, 2017
4:34 AM

I don't care about sleeping right now.

My friend deleted my text messages again.

September 14th, 2017
Time- 3:12 AM

Holly and Loni still haven't texted back. I can't remember their numbers.

September 17th, 2017
Time- 1:58 AM

I'm scared. My friend says I can't talk to Holly and Loni anymore.

September 24th, 2017
Time- 6:37 PM

School was horrible today. My friend followed me.

He taunted me all day. I even failed a test. Oh well. It’s not like I’m going to college anyway.

September 30th, 2017
Time- 5:08 AM

I need to find their numbers. Holly and Loni can't text me. I know they can't.

Otherwise they would.

October 6th, 2017
Time- 2:15 PM

I can't remember the numbers. I miss them. I need them. My friend won't stop anymore.

October 11th, 2016
Time-8:24 AM

My window was wide open last night.

October 14th, 2017
Time- 11:26 PM

I hate my friend. He won't let me talk to them anymore.

October 26th, 2017
Time- 6:27 AM

Holly and Loni won't text me anymore.

I can't take it.

October 28th, 2017
Time- 3:16 AM

My friend says they're gone. He's lying.

November 5th, 2017
Time- 5:17 AM

The files. He must have deleted the files.

He must have contacted their friends.

They wouldn't leave me. They wouldn’t. They couldn’t. How could they?

November 9th, 2017
Time- 2:55 AM

Holly texted me once last night. She said she misses me.

She didn't respond again.

November 15th, 2017
Time- 4 ish

Holly is gone. Loni is gone. My friend did it. He did it to them. I know he did.

November 23rd, 2017
Time- I think 2:30

I don't like my friend.

Is he my friend at all?

December 4th, 2017
Time- Around 3

I don't care. My friend is gone. I'm glad.

December 15th, 2017
Time- Morning

He doesn't love me.

He tells me to jump every night now.

He says they aren't real. He says it’s all my mind.

He's a liar. He’s trying to trick me. Make me believe his lies. Well, I won’t. I can’t. It’s not a lie. It’s real. It was all real.

It has to be.

December 16th
Time- Morning

He's a liar.

December 25th
Time- Early

It's Christmas today. We didn’t celebrate this year.

December 26th
Time- I don't know

I miss Holly. And Loni. And Kati and Emma and my dad and Kit. I miss my mom and my sister.

My friend is still here.

He's always here.

He says he will make sure I’m never lonely again.

December 27th, 2017
Time- I don't know

I should jump.

December 28th, 2017
Time- I don't know

No one will miss me. The window is always open anyways.

December 29th, 2017
Time- I don't know

My friend says I should. I can’t see him anymore. But he still talks to me.

December 30th, 2017
Time- I don't know

He will be happy. I can see him again. Maybe I’ll see Kit again too.

December 31st, 2017
Time- I don't care

I'm going to jump.

I have to jump.

I have to.

I want to jump.

It’s my decision.

It’s the only way.

I’m going to jump.

January 1st, 2018
Time- 5:34 AM

I’m such a coward.

I hate it here.

Author's Note

This is a story about a girl who as she slowly looses more and more of her sanity, her depression manifests itself into an imaginary “friend” telling her that she should end her life by jumping out her bedroom window.