Just a Phase

Every holiday season, my relatives would ask if I found a boyfriend. I'm sure many families do the same, but I'm from an old-fashioned Christian family. They didn't ask me just out of curiosity. They were judging me. What good was a daughter if she wasn't serving a man? Each time I said I was single, they looked at me with disappointment. But there was more to it than they knew. It wasn't that I was too timid to get a boyfriend, or that I somehow repelled the ones who were interested. I just didn't like boys.

I didn't initially realize it. When I was elementary-school-aged, I didn't think much about it, one way or the other. When I got a little older, and the other kids would talk about the guys/girls they liked, I still couldn't relate. It didn't necessarily bother me, but it did make me wonder when I didn't have any romantic feelings of my own. It wasn't until I was fourteen that I would start to realize why.

The details are a little fuzzy, but the gist of it is that there was an upcoming choir concert. The class was waiting outside the auditorium for the teacher to unlock the doors for rehearsal. I was standing with one of my friends. He had done something to his ankle and had to walk with crutches. We were freshmen at the time. A junior girl--Lauren, I think her name was--walked over to us and asked him what happened to his ankle. While the two talked, I noticed how incredibly pretty she was. After their conversation, she left, and I watched as she walked away, not quite sure what to think.

Fastforward a year, give or take a few months. After Lauren, I continued to - for lack of a better word - notice other girls. Given my upbringing, I was extremely uncomfortable with this side of me. I told myself it was nothing, and I tried to cover it up. I even had a boyfriend, for about two weeks. He was a friend I'd had for as long as I could remember. He was nice enough, but my heart just wasn't in it.

After church one day, I drove to hang out with one my friends. I'll call her Summer. Summer and I spent the whole day together. We got coffee, met up with a few other girls to see a movie, and then went back to her place for the night. Early the next morning, we went out on a hill near her house and watched the sunrise. It would have been terribly romantic, if either of us cared to think that way. But we didn't. At least, not at first. At one point, I looked over at her. The way she looked, completely at ease with the first rays of the sun illuminating her face, her deep gray eyes practically glowing, her long blonde hair framing her face, something welled up inside of me. I had an urge to embrace her.

Again, I ignored it and carried on as I always had. But the same feeling kept coming up whenever I was with Summer, and a select few other girls. The time finally came when I couldn't pretend my attractions didn't exist. But there still was no way I could confess to my family. I accepted it about myself but didn't tell anyone for a year and a half. My senior year, I finally decided to came out to my mother and younger brother. My brother said that was gross. My mother accused me of looking for attention. After a few weeks of me adamantly sticking to my claim, she said I was "going through a phase".

During church, my mother told be to pray for forgiveness, and I think she prayed for me, herself. When the holiday seasons rolled around, she told me not to mention "my problem" to anyone. She didn't want her family seeing what an embarrassment her daughter was. A couple of my poems on this site talk about that.

Almost a year later, she still isn't fond of the idea of having a queer kid. She hasn't looked at me the same way since I told her. But it doesn't matter what other people think. I'm finally happy with myself. I can look in the mirror and be happy with the person looking back. She isn't perfect. She has flaws and bad days. But she keeps going, one day at a time.

Author's Note

A tale from my life. I know it's not particularly well written, but I wanted to put it out there. Hopefully it can help anyone who is going through the same thing.

Reviews

[Manu]

First of all Kudos for this courageous write, Hannah. Being true to oneself is the most difficult thing in life but you are very brave. Yes, it does hurt when your own people and family don't understand your feelings and become intolerant of your existence but I think that is the test of life no matter what we have to keep living. I am glad that you are happy with yourself because you are right at your place. Do not bother about people- views change, norms change and society too changes with time. I loved the way you wrote this piece- very honest. It is not sin to live the way you want to live..I can't say much about religion because I don't have much idea about how Christianity treats this matter. I hope people someday understand and realize the fact that sexuality is not a choice, people are born like that.. Thanks for sharing this wonderful and inspiring story of yours :-). Stay strong no matter what. God bless.

[Hannah]

Thank you very much, Gorthi. I appreciate your very kind response and support.

[Harley Quinn]

Wow, This is captivating. It drew my attention and kept it. Great work!

[Hannah]

Thank you for reading, and thank you for your kind response.

[matrixmark]

Hannah, I for one applaud you for putting this out there. Be proud of who you are. I feel for you in the sense that your parents don't get it. We are all different, but we should be loved by our family all the same. I only hope that one day your family can fome to terms with your sexuality and tehn you can all move forwards.

We are who we are - nobody should change for anybody.....keep being you.

Mark.

[Hannah]

Thanks, Mark. I appreciate your words.

[Jacob Clifford]

I don't have the best of relationships with much of my family, either, but nothing as fundamental as what you're experiencing. I'm sorry you have to deal with your family not accepting who you are. But it's great that you can accept it. You have a very healthy view of the situation. I hope your life continues to improve, and I wish you luck.

[Hannah]

Thank you, Clifford.

[d]

well not so terribly written. and this prompts a long conversation.

[Hannah]

I suppose it would. Thanks for reading.

[Sapientiam]

Your struggle is very understandable and I congratulate you on your bravery. People judge without really understanding. Everyone is a victim of it. As a Christian, I do find it sad that we would abandon the love of our own children because of their sexuality when God tells us to love even our enemies. I mean, this goes for anything, whether a Muslim parent disowns their child who comes out as a Christian or any other situation. It shouldn't change the way we love or see other people. I can sort of relate to this because I have been judged for my faith (because of stereotypes of course), but it wasn't on a scale of yours when you were judged for your sexuality. Regardless, we should be able to cope and manage these things with maturity. What your mother did was not only degrading but immature (sorry if that is insulting, by the way. I'm sure your mother is a great woman. I don't mean to place judgment on her) because she never tried to understand you. Hopefully, your family can build a better relationship with you; you are worthy of the happiness. Thanks for sharing!

[Hannah]

I don't blame any of my family members for how they acted. I certainly wish they were more accepting, but they were just doing what they were raised to do. It is sad that people are ridiculed for things like their faith or sexuality, but we have to learn to accept and move on. Thank you for everything you said.

[Sapientiam]

That's certainly true. There's always a reason for these things, whether good or bad, and it's necessary to gain a perspective of both sides in achieving some type of harmony. It's thought provoking. But yes, acceptance and moving on is the key. If we can't face reality, then what can we face? Oh, and you're welcome. ^ ^

[richieb]

Hannah,
Your story is courageous and well written. I am sure many people have suffered through stressful times in dealing with family and friends. Hopefully your parents will accept you for who you are and have a healthy relationship with you.
God loves you and cares deeply for you, always remember that.
Many Blessings,
Richie b.

[Hannah]

Thank you very much, richie. I appreciate your caring words. Only time will tell what happens next.

[Rebel]

They should of been by your side, but at least you are happy with yourself. I am bisexual and it was tough growing up with all of the bad remarks. I was glad to have my family by my side. I am also happy with myself. I am glad to hear your story.

[Hannah]

I'm glad to hear that you've had a better experience than I did. It would have been nice to have the support of my family, but I'm managing. Thank you for your caring words.

[Rebel]

You are so welcome. Everyone needs someone to lean on and I may just be 17 turning 18, but I have went through so much more than what I should of gone through for my age.

[Hannah]

I agree with you on that. I'm just a bit older than you are (I turned 18 last September), and it's true; kids shouldn't have to worry about whether or not their family will accept them. They should be accepted unconditionally.

[Rebel]

Yeah, they should, but I have met caring Christians and judgmental ones. My grandfather is a judgmental one while my grandmother is the caring kind. My grandfather does not approve of me and disowned me for it while my grandmother accepted me. She told me that God made you who you are and don't let anyone tell you different.

[Writing Angel]

good. I'm glad you have met some of the good ones haha

[Rebel]

I am glad that I did, too.

[Wølfy]

I hate it when people judge. "Christians" seem to be really good at that. The important though is that you are happy with who you are.

[Hannah]

I don'v have anything against Christians. I'm one myself, even if I don't agree with all of the commonly hold beliefs. It's true that a lot are judgmental, but most are caring and compassionate, just like anyone. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts on the matter.

[Wølfy]

Yeah, same here. I may be an Atheist but that does not mean every Christian I meet is a jerk. I have met some very nice ones too. Hm. Maybe I should write a short story on how Rikyu would handle something like this.

[BABAJAGA]

Wolfy you are a troubled soul. Have you ever stopped to think, what happens when you die? You must think that its just nothingness for all eternity and if you think so then you live a sad life. How can you not believe? The shroud of turin, the cloth of the virgin mary's face painted on to it with no paint that we know of. Scientists say if the cloth was really painted it would have deteriorated long ago, think about your life.

[Wølfy]

Are you still talking about your fantasies? Look every time you comment everyone that reads your crap loses brain cells. If you want to believe in your deity that hates gays, and believes slavery is okay, and kills people just because he is a bigot then fine. I will not stop you from believing, but please do not sit there and tell me I am troubled just because I decided to be a logical person and think.

If anyone should think it is you. Does the bible not say that it is god's job to judge? So, by calling gay people f**s and saying they need help you are judging. Kind of sad that you claim to read the bible yet seem to know nothing about it.

Now if you are done killing what brain cells I have wasting my time talking to someone as ignorant as you then good day.

[Rebel]

Good job Wolfy. I agree with every word you said.

[Wølfy]

I am just getting sick of his s**t >.> I decided to block him at way we all go our separate ways...but nope...comes and comments on my comment knowing full well that I blocked him.

[Wølfy]

Just realized this guy is not even on Hannah's friend list so that means he just wanted to comment on this piece simply to state his own opinions. Pretty sad if you ask me.

[Sapientiam]

O_o...

Uh, BABAJAGA, there's no need to enforce Christianity on others. People have the right to believe or not and if they refuse, it should be respected. Let people live their lives. I know you had good intentions, but we are all flawed people and not believing in God doesn't make one worse off than an atheist or any other believer. We go different paths; let people have the freedom to do so. ^ ^

[Rebel]

I agree with you.

[BABAJAGA]

complete trash compared to what i wrote go see a psychologist about your issues, every gay should

[Hannah]

I'm sorry you think so. But that's part of what I've learned; other people may think I have a sickness, but that doesn't bother me anymore. I appreciate your thoughts.

[Rebel]

Some of the nicest people are gay, you know. No need to say that every gay should see a psychologist because the people that really need to see a psychologist are the ones that judge.

[Wølfy]

A bit rude...as a psychologist, I see nothing wrong with people being gay/lesbian/bisexual or what have you.

[Rebel]

I agree with you Wolfy since people we are who we are. Nothing can change that. If we like the same sex or the opposite, it shouldn't matter. The only thing that should matter is what as personality says.

[Wølfy]

^^^^^^^^^^^^

[BABAJAGA]

Tell me, can two women or two men naturally have a child? No they can't, and furthermore 83 percent of gays and lesbians get aids. So you see, it is against biology, it is against god, and it is against decency. Why. Why do you people have to have these made up fantasies. You understand this is an embarrassment to the U.S and the whole world. You think you are treated bad? Go to Russia and see how they are treated. You fools claim that you want to be "accepted" when you really are by countless fools just like you. I thank the lord there are still tons of normal people out there that want a normal world with no f**s running around drinking from dick water bottles.

[BABAJAGA]

I appreciate that hannah was polite but I still do not agree with her views.

[Wølfy]

Ah, so you believe that because some fictional book claims it is wrong that it must be bad. Your post clearly show that you hate gay people like a disease. Let me ask you this, is a person being gay hurting you at all? The answer is no, it is not.

[Rebel]

You know what. God made us who we are and it is wrong to judge others. Not just gays and lesbians get aids, so do straight people. Everyone can get aids. Biology has nothing to do with anything because we were all made the same way. We just have to all grow up and stop judging everyone else. We all may have different believes, but if you don't like what you read or see then do not look or comment because it is not your business. It is just their business and their business only. So grow the hell up and stop putting others down.

[BABAJAGA]

Fictional book? The bible? don't make me laugh you fool, have you not read my other comment, the bible is not a "fictional book" only a mindless fool like you would say that. Although, you can't expect much from a brain dead weeb like you. Have you even read the bible? there are some things that make a lot of sense. Ill leave your weeb a*s with this, A 2 same genders cannot have a baby.

[Rebel]

Don't you stinking understand that a lot of children are put up for adoption. That is why they do not care if they have a damn baby because they know that when they adopt, they are saving a life. So shut the f*** up because you act like you are all that when you aren't and that you know everything when you do not know s**t. Stop commenting on Hannah's story because everything that you say is very hurtful and not for just her, but others, too.

[BABAJAGA]

make me you weeb

[Writing Angel]

why?...what satisfaction do you get when the world hates you?...have you thought about your life... judging those when you don't even deserve to judge... and if you were a Christian you would understand caring and kindness because in the bible it says "love thy neighbor as thyself"... do you not care for your own self... I pity you

[Rebel]

^ I agree with you a lot. He judges every gay, lesbian, and bisexuals.

[Writing Angel]

that's terrible I'm sorry... I am a Christian and people like him are why we get labeled as "judgers"

[Rebel]

I do know some Christians that are judgers like my grandfather, but I also know some that aren't like my grandmother.

[BABAJAGA]

oh my, the words of the wise over here wow, i guess it goes to show that some people of this world are just stupid saying that the world hates me, and where in hell did i mention adoption under any comment. You people are cancers to this society, just like feminists

[Rebel]

And you are just a pain odd jackass. At we know how to care and be kind to others. We at least have the brain to respect others and not judge them. You on the other hand have no respect or kindness and you surely have no heart because if you did you would not say what you say about others.

[Writing Angel]

I'm not a feminist ... you assume.. and when you speak like that to people with hatred for them then yes the world will learn to hate you... I'm sorry but its the truth

[BABAJAGA]

wolfy you dumbass weeb I have no words to express your stupidity DAMN you are dumb. I can't say I blame someone if they straight up punched you in the face

[BABAJAGA]

Im about to call papa franku on yall

[BABAJAGA]

papa franku LOVES me

[Rebel]

I would not blame someone if they punched you in your damn hatred face because you surely would deserve it.

[BABAJAGA]

I HAVE AN ARMY

[Sapientiam]

BABAJAGA. Please, you're starting to give Christians a bad name. I truly understand what you're trying to convey. I do. But, you're doing it in a way that is very insulting, regardless if it is true or not. We have no right to judge others since we ought to be judged with such harshness. We cannot point fingers if our own soul is dirty. I'm asking out of sincerity to stop insulting those who think differently from you and accept their differences. There's no need to be rude.

Also, this is a pointless argument. Can we not just love each other and accept each other for who we are...?

[BABAJAGA]

PAPA FRANKU AND CHIN CHIN WILL COME TO YOU AND YOU WILL FEEL THEIR WRATH

[BABAJAGA]

Guys I can't believe you didn't notice that i was kidding

[BABAJAGA]

you jus got prankd my dood

[Rebel]

Like I care because I for sure do not. I have guns at my house and anyone who trespasses will not be happy for in West Virginia it is legal to shoot who is not welcome.

[Rebel]

Joking or not it is not right to insult others.

[BABAJAGA]

Hmm I suppose you're really tough huh? got guns huh? tell ya what, i got a fully functional Ak 47! a little gift from my grandpa.

[Writing Angel]

come to me... I promise you jesus will see you soon... or you will get a glimpse of heaven or wherever you go.... leave this page alone... if you want to message fine but not on reviews

[BABAJAGA]

ok time for me to say that im a mississippi man and a alabama woman gettin together whenever we can the mississippi river cant keep us apart there is too much love in his mississippi heart

[BABAJAGA]

Chin chin is coming

[BABAJAGA]

papa franku will get you

[Rebel]

Babajaga stop judging others and insulting others please. It is not going to get you anywhere good in life if you continue to do so. You are going the wrong way on the road, you know? It is wrong what you are doing and it is very hurtful.

[BABAJAGA]

do not make me call idubbz

[BABAJAGA]

GUYS I AM KIDDING CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT IM SAYING THINGS LIKE CHIN CHIN AND PAPA FrANKU!!! CALM DOWN!!

[BABAJAGA]

yall need to calm down before sandy cheeks comes out with two catfish in a skillet

[Rebel]

If you are really kidding then start being nicer please.

[BABAJAGA]

fine then....

[BABAJAGA]

I may not like what hannah is doing but i do not dislike her, i haven't met her yet so I cant judge her right away. She seems polite, calm and nice. I do not dislike the person, i dislike the actions

[BABAJAGA]

Happy now?

[Sapientiam]

That's perfectly fine. You don't have to agree with others in order to be their friend. ^ ^

[BABAJAGA]

You know, sapiemtiem, you were the only one who i felt ok talking to right about 2 sec ago

[Sapientiam]

Did I say something wrong...? All I did was agree with your last statement.

[BABAJAGA]

No no i meant that you were the only one i felt was respectful

[Writing Angel]

yes!..........

[Sapientiam]

Wait, sorry. I think I read your comment wrong. Just ignore my last comment. ^ ^

[Sapientiam]

I misinterpret comments all the time, so sorry! Ugh, I'm an idiot...

[BABAJAGA]

no problem I do too sometimes.

[Rebel]

Thank you Babajaga. You may not like our actions, but some of us are nice people. I am nice when you get to know me as long as no hurtful words are said to me or to others. I was not trying to be rude, it is just that the words you were saying really hurt. I got bullied everywhere I went so that is why your words hurt really bad. I was not trying to disrespect you. I was just trying to get you to stop with the hurtful words. Sorry if I was being rude.

[BABAJAGA]

Sorry if i hurt any of you in any way, thank you so much for being polite

[BABAJAGA]

You all wont believe what just happened, so i went to eat a spoon of peanut butter but then I thought about a prank call video by filthy frank and laughed. So the peanut butter went up my nose, next thing you know i'm rinsing out my nasal cavities and blowing my nose watching as chunks of peanut butter land on the tissue and my throat burning like crazy

[Rebel]

Your welcome. Just please think before you type.