Open Your Eyes

Why don't you open your eyes,

And notice the absentee?

Those deep beautiful eyes;

Why don't they see me?

What else can I do

to get back the chance I blew?

This beating in my chest,

yearning for you and your best.

This endless sleepless night,

reliving that final fight.

I hope to see you around the bend,

but I may be chasing till the end.

Author's Note

I appreciate constructive criticism and comments! This poem is a little short, so I would like to extend it further. Any ideas?

Reviews

[.]

Lovely so far, yes.

I agree with Clifford. It does feel unfinished. Perhaps two more stanzas to make a sextet. Try and finish the poem with a surefire ending.
"My heart beats out your name this day.,
Come back and take my tears away"
Just a line. Something similar perhaps. A good first attempt, so far.

[Hannah]

thank you for your suggestions! I will think about them when I do more on this.

[.]

Yes! I read it again. A brilliant finish! Well Done!

[Rebel]

Loving it so far and very nicely said.

[Hannah]

Thank you, Rebel.

[Rebel]

You are so welcome.

[matrixmark]

Really enjoyable read. Reminds me of my fist love, many moons ago - the wanting, the needing, the chasing to get her back. I remember those days of heartache and pain- I always enjoy reading your work and this was another great piece.

Mark.

[Hannah]

I'm glad the poem was relatable, and I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for reading.

[matrixmark]

My pleasure.

Mark.

[samparks,sam]

Nice poem I like it. be continue

[Hannah]

Thanks, sam.

[Gee]

When corner turned I hope to see,
you standing, arms outstretched for me,

But hope like dreams, oft' fade and die,
unrequited love, then bleed me dry.

Round the bend where I come from means crazy !!!
Enjoyed the read

[Hannah]

Thank you gee. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it.

[Cyprian Van Dyke]

Beautiful poem! Loved all of it the the last stanza was my fave,

"I hope to see you around the bend,
but I may be chasing till the end."

Tyfs!

[Hannah]

Thanks, Cyprian. I'm glad you enjoy it.

[Cyprian Van Dyke]

You're most welcome!

[B. Boileau]

The honest plea stands on it's own, and I like it as is. It's short yes, but sometimes the best work is short. If you unhappy with it, play around with it, maybe change a word here or there, the next thing you know you will have written an entirely different piece. Remember we are most times our own worse critics


bill

[Hannah]

Thank you Boileau. I appreciate your review.

[Unknown Poet]

This would be the best I read. ....
Short and perfect ..
Touching

[Hannah]

Thank you, Uday.

[Unknown Poet]

You're welcome my friend
...

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

Nice flow here!
Wonderful rhythm and structure.
You penned a short poem with promise and hope.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

[Hannah]

Thank you!

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

You are welcome!

[d]

for myself, for my own work,i find that by reading a piece over and over, i begin to change a word or 2 here or there, i begin adding new words or lines, i take away or move things around. i often find that i'm happy with the new changes and also see that the poem has gotten longer. sometimes you just have to close your eyes (even if they stay open) and tap into your feelings and thougts or whatever you can. you have some good material to work with and you should not be reluctant or careful about writing the real thing you know. even if you think it is not making sense, it probably is. it is very important to love what you are writing. so just love it.

[Hannah]

Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it.

[d]

please let me know if you work on this poem some more. i'd love to see it.

[Hannah]

Will do. Thanks again.