“Please. You’ll always be my sunshine.”

The story of an argument I had with my best friend

He stood there sheltered only by an inch from the pouring rain in a leather jacket much to big for his skinny body. His insecurities got the best of him and that’s why he wore his clothing so big. He sucked on a cigarette and cried, shoulder leaned up against the grey brick wall. I watch his lungs fill up with that menthol smoke as he puffed it back out and trembled a bit while his tears fell on his shoes. “What a badass” I thought as I watched him. He began to bang his head against the wall beside him and put the orange glow of the end of his cheap cigarette out in his hand. Terrified I stood there, lips bleeding from biting them in stress. I wanted to shout. He’ll break his skull, he’ll burn his fingers. All I did was hold my soaking wet arms out in plea to wrap my arms around him, not apologetically but just in attempt to soothe some of the pain deep in our hearts but he shook his head no and that’s when my body, my dry mouth was able to speak as I whispered “Please. You’ll always be my sunshine.” He shook more violently and I put my arms down and felt the blood rush to my fingers as if I had been holding my arms up for an eternity. It was relieving yet poetic in that it did feel like an eternity. Holding my arms up the way I did. Watching him smoke and the cigarette light up his broken face being the only light in the dark winter evening. Looking down at my shoes. Picking the black nail polish of my wet thumb nails. Every time I looked at him and he was looking away and every time I looked at him and he looked back, right into my eyes, all of it felt like an eternity. Every moment. There was nothing either of us had to say but I knew his mind was over flowing. His chest showing his beating heart had so much to say. We watched headlights beam through the rain and he began to walk away after a long conversation that honestly meant nothing. My lungs felt frozen from the inside and my sudden breath in hurt like hell but there was one last thing he needed to hear and even if my body and mind pleaded no, my heart had something to say. I have to shout, he’s too far away to whisper again and it felt like everyone of my teeth came rolling out with my words as I yelled to his back “that’s not what I think of you” he turned around and what he said didn’t matter, it was a lie anyway. He paused and for a moment walked backwards and we stared just at each other. I too paused and prepared my feet to walk through the soaked grass. As he slammed his door I jumped and tried not to cry. It was so hot I wanted back out into the freezing. My heart was freezing. My mind was freezing. In one last attempt to set things right, my numb hands typed a message that was the effect of my heart speaking. I handed it to him and his wet eyes read and that’s all that seemed to read. His eyes. He threw it back at me and I whispered his name with no response. It hurt and powered my broken soul to utter in front of everyone “I’ll always be here ready for you to forgive me for hurting” he snapped back at me in a voice I hadn’t heard in hours saying I shouldn’t but that didn’t stop me from holding my hand out until he opened his door and disappeared into the foggy night. I plead for forgiveness and peace again through lonely tears and the response was almost as empty as my chest. I can hope for you. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. He was angry. His heart was angry. I can imagine his fury as he typed to me. I knew he was crying again. Who I am I talking to? Of what place in me am I talking? The answer isn’t known to anything but as he called me by the wrong name, he told me it takes thought and that’s all there is until tonight. “I’ll always hold on. I’ll never leave” it didn’t matter. None of it matters. You were not persuaded by need of thought. You were not persuaded by love. You were not persuaded by sadness. You were persuaded by anger.