Anyone Out There

Drama.

It is practically what adolescence thrives upon. I hate it.

I hate drama that is.

I hate many things and possibly people. But I could never admit such things to myself before all this happened.

I was raised to love. To forgive. To forget. So why!? Can anyone tell me why I get so angry?

You probably couldn't. But I ask anyway...

Why I end up sitting in the dark screaming and crying wondering if there is anybody out there that cares about me... no... I mean is there anybody out there that cares about what is going on with me?!

Sometimes I feel like people fall in love with this girl who looks like me but isn't me.

I feel like people do not know me until they see both the good and bad. 

Does anyone know what this feels like?

I hope someone does and at the same time I don't.

I feel alone sometimes in groups of hundreds or thousands of people. I couldn't imagine being alone

in billions of people. Yet sometimes even five people can make you feel like you are lost in a thousand.

I am not sorry for myself. If that is what you are thinking, you are wrong. I just want to be honest.

I know who I am. And sadly it is because of this. I wish bad things were not good but I believe there is 

A reason for everything.

I am glad I found out now. I am sorry if you do not know the whole story but it started with May sixth 

And with all honesty even before that.

Sometimes I feel like I hate adolescence.

I wish that all the small stuff did not hurt me so much. I wish I could be more like an adult and just deal with the big problems without there being so much confusion in my head. I prefer to be angry at home because not just anyone can walk into my house. That's the beauty of it all.

I can be a beast at home and only show the beauty to outsiders. Only those that I let in will ever really see me at my 100%. But I have grown tired of everything. I want to go far away and never see many people ever again. I want to meet new people that will have the decency to do the right things. To say the right things. 

All I ever do,and don't get me wrong , is lift others up. And I see how confused people become sometimes when I do that but the reality is that people are both beautiful and hideous to me. Only very few are completely one or the other. Two things that are beautiful on nearly every person I meet is their smile as well as who they are. 

My favorite thing in anyone is not necessarily confidence but acknowledgement of who they are. I like people who have an idea of who they are. But see with all that uplifting, it really messes me up. It truly wears down my soul when I see people hurting others. I don't care how indirect, misdirected, or good the intent was... that is the one thing that gets under my skin. 

I was bullied once. Four times in my life but there was an instant where I was viciously bullied by this boy and no one ever said anything. No one ever did anything. That taught me to stand up for myself and others. I also would learn that some things are so much deeper than you or I or anyone could ever realize.

 But I know that that is not the point. 

So the real question is... do you?

Reviews

[Nusquam Esse]

Almost all of these are things that I have thought about at one point or another; so definitely something I can relate to. Ultimately, the world and everything in it (not just the people) is duplicitous, and it ultimately depends on perspective if you see white, black, or grey. All the cheery crap they teach you growing up, both parents and school (especially about bullying), it is all a load of crap. As you get older you will realize that they can't say the truth, either because they are afraid, because they know it would destroy what hope you may have at such a young age, or because they are in denial. But the world is a cold, harsh place; the fact that you can think these questions shows that you got the upper half of it all. When I was your age, I was out on the streets looking for places to keep warm; I had the occasional moment to ponder this sort of stuff, but it was more about survival and how nasty the world could be. But you know, I honestly prefer it this way; because I don't think I could stomach the lies that my parents told me. Heaven seems a droll place. You know those foods that are pungent and you may hate them at first, but the more you eat them, the more you come to like them? That is the world. A shot of whiskey that burns the heart, but leaves you gasping for more. Just be yourself, help everyone that you can physically, but only emotionally assist those that really need it, because while you can go to bed each night and rest, your spirit rarely gets this chance, so give it out carefully. And most of all, learn to enjoy the ride, both the good and the bad; and be ready for a world of contradictions and hypocrisy. Because it doesn't get any better; but if you keep at it, you will.