May Sixth

I have a problem. And it makes me shake with fury so I have to say something. Do something.

I am sitting here, and I just want someone to tell me. To make it clear that she is wrong. Am I pretending? Am I fooling myself? Telling myself that she is doing the right thing yet the wrong thing at the same time...

I read about DID. A disorder that involves a complex brain patter leaving one person with multiple personalities. It may have relevance to what I am saying but it may not at the same time. She says that she cares. She call it "tough love". But is that what it is? I sit here wishing I could understand her but I cannot.

It feels like I am the one with DID but other days I wonder if it is her. I see her sitting there laughing as if nothing is wrong in the world when it is everything that is wrong. I see her sitting there with what she calls her "face" and I wonder what she is thinking about. Wonder if she cares about what she did... about what she said.  I hate that she acts one way but I see that she acts and does another completely  different thing that at times seems completely incompatible with who I used to see her as.

I found my true respect and appreciation of her when she saved me from a situation I was unable to escape from, but when someone else needed the same she gave what I would call "no heart and no love" advice. 

She pretends like she is so full of love. Like she is so funny. Like she is so nice. But is she?!

I cannot say that she is. She has hardly uttered words of kindness unless she gains something out of it. I know how she would choose the other girl over anyone and everyone else. But I have come to accept that.

I have come to accept that she may not be my friend forever. 

But sometimes it hurts to think about how this may all end. Sometimes it is a painful burning sensation that won't disappear. It is a horrid, cruel dark monster that has consumed me and I want to be spat out. It is a disgustingly, morbid and bitter taste in my mouth. I cannot be apart of this anymore.

I could care less if her life is hard. If her life is stressful. She botched the entire situation. And why? Because I told her the truth. I apologize for the truth cannot always be about you. Altered and stapled and cut and fluffed so you will like it! That is not how the truth works at all...gosh I want to throw my arms in the air and just be done with all of this.

I know that we are meant to learn from our mistakes. Fight to correct our tribulations. But why can't I know who is really there for me and who isn't. I am so tired of people who can dish it out but can't take it. I am tired of being used. I am tired of being treated like I don't matter. One moment when I'm all a person has around I am like their sister then when someone they deem better pops up I suddenly become the person in the background. 

Racists, cheaters, and ignorant people have always been a bother to me but I can tolerate that. But when someone is a hypocrite to the point where they hurt others... I just don't know what to think about that. I just don't know what to think about any of it.