February Seventeenth

It is scary to let people see my deepest thoughts and weakness when I'm most vulnerable. But sometimes writing should be about more than made-up stories. Sometimes it should be about the truth.

Life is extremely stressful especially now and I want to get through it but no one understands. I need certain people because they remind me that despite everything they are there and they breathe because someone took the time to believe in them. Took the time to help them.

It seems dramatic but school has so much weight as it rests on my shoulders along with the various aspects I must go through. I cannot handle the pains but I have to. Because I made a promise. A promise I am glad I made but right now no longer want to keep but have to for the sake of the other person involved. 

I wish I was less vague, but I guess that is what happens when you don't want to admit the truth to even yourself. I hate feeling so weak. Yes, I mean hate. Is it fair that my vulnerability is equivalent to the delicate bones of a canary? Maybe? Maybe not? Who knows? I just know that I have never felt like giving up as much as I do now... and that is not normal for me. Because I used to believe in this never-ending ray of optimism, and it would make everything seem better and through that be better. Gosh, I wish I knew when and why things changed! Is it a test from God? Is it a test from Satan? Or is it simply the universe trying to balance out things? 

I wish I knew. Yet I wish I didn't. It sometimes feels like knowing such a thing would make it impossible to ever really live life the same way again. But to return to what I was saying, I need to find new ways to relieve stress. Even though hiking seemed great how would I get there?! Everyone in my family is busy and those who aren't cannot drive. So I digress.

I blame no one but myself for the choice I made, but even though the depths of my mind regret it  so strongly, I sit around wondering when it will be mine once more. Despite the promise. Despite the consequences. Despite everything.

Author's Note

Do you think it's clear that the title is the date the journal entry was written?