Jedi Mind Trick Fails To Get Me Out Of Paying For Lunch

If you aren't familiar with George Lucas' "Star Wars" films, you won't understand this piece. Otherwise, reviews are welcome!

I have become something of a cheapskate in my middle age, and middle-aged cheapskates don’t like paying for things, and neither do I.

 

And I’ve tried every trick there is to get out of paying my fair share, especially when it comes to paying bills in a social setting, like lunch with friends.  I’ve done/said everything from:

 

A. Leaving my wallet in the car.

B. Forgot my credit card.

C. I paid last time.

 

And all of this just to get out of having to use any cash, especially on people I know, admire, and love. But none of these tricks work for very long. So imagine my glee (imagine it!) when I discovered the following advert in last months edition of the “Arizona Desert Glass-Bottom Boaters Field Manual, Vol.5”

 

 The ad was simple in its terms, yet electrifying in its promise:

 

Old wizard will teach you to manipulate others, events, to your selfish satisfaction

Six easy lessons / $55 per Inquire-Tatooine 546

Must like dirt, bad movie dialogue, Carrie Fisher in a bikini 

 

So I answered the ad, and took the lessons, although the old man creeped me out big time. And his cave was a pit out in the desert by Gila Bend. On the way there, I had to fight some “sand people” who threw sticks at my car while screaming alien epithets. 

 

At the time, I felt like I’d gotten my money’s worth from the wizened wizard’s careful instruction. I was able to move inanimate objects around with my thoughts, and I could make things explode and burst like pinatas if I stared at ‘em long enough.  I’d share some of the info with you now, but I signed a non-disclosure form, so I can’t talk about what I learned.

 

The important thing is; all the training didn't help the other morning when I went out for a late breakfast with my buddy Colin. After a moderately portioned meal of tuna and eggs béarnaise, the dread bill arrived. Colin immediately pushed it to my side of the table, nearly knocking over my salted coconut water. He was showing no grace or class, but I would fix him with my newly aqcuired Jedi Mind Control.

 

I closed my eyes, concentrated. The training would pay off. Colin would yield to my will. Then I slowly waved my hand over the bill and said under my breath,

 

“You want to pay.”

 

 Colin said, “No Dom, I have paid at least the last five times. What was your excuse last time, the cat ate your cash? It’s definitely your turn.

I was briefly thrown off, as the trick seemed to have no effect on him whatever. Yet, I shook the panic off. Again, I waved my hand, and spoke in a more-sonorous voice.

 

“Colin, you want to pay this bill right now”

 

“Why do you keep waving your hand at me? If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were trying some ridiculous Jedi mind trick s**t on me, or something like that, like back when we were thirteen. But even you aren’t that immature anymore. And besides, as I’ve already told you, that stuff never worked on me before. You’re a dumb a*s!”

 

Realizing the futility of trying to bend my friend's will with my brain, I slowly pulled my wallet out while carefully searching my mind for any other possible excuse not to pay that I could think of. There was none, as the shock that the Trick had failed so spectacularly began to set in.

 

I quietly put $25 in the bill fold for the waitperson to cover our tab, when from behind me I felt the brush of her hand and her soft voice say, “Sir, you want to tip 30%.”