my life

its about my life. And my struggles to live it.

               My whole life is a mess. I hate the fact that nothing in my life is right and I can not even achieve my goal. I had a goal in life.  I knew I could do anything I wanted. And I mean anything. Ok. So now if we go back a little I am in 9^th grade. I do not like studying. I do not want to study. Infact I didn’t need good marks because back then I had no goal in my life. I scored pretty well (437/550), but that was according to me. According to my dad and my mom it was the worst. They said I didn’t score like I could. I knew that too but why the hell do you need good grades if you don’t have a goal? I couldn’t understand that.

               Ok so then I cry like hell because my parents weren't happy with me. And believe me there is nothing as bad as that. So when I get promoted to 10^th. I start thinking that I should study. Only, because that’s the only thing, that would make my parents happy. So out of nowhere I realize that obviously I am gonna lose my friends if I don’t get admitted in the same college as them. So now I do have a goal. DON’T LOSE YOUR FRIENDS. The only way that I won’t lose them is I get admitted in Fauji Foundation College for Girls (FFCG). So I thought I had to study hard, because getting into ffcg? Not an easy job especially with a score of 437 in 9th. And I do. Because I told you I only need a goal. Working on that? Not the hardest job for me. Ok so the whole 10^th grade I study pretty damn hard and only have one goal in mind. FFCG. I discuss my goal with baba. We have a good talk.  He tells me if only I can score 910/1050 I would be able to get into ffcg. So I set my goal for 910. Now probably you’re thinking was 910 the merit of getting into ffcg. As a matter of fact, it wasn’t. I am a hafiza and I get 20 marks in board exam for that. That makes it 930. And because I was studying in ffcg I would get 10 marks because I was their own student. That makes it 940. My father said 940 would get me into ffcg. I believed him and did all the calculations. One thing that you should know is that I do what I WANT to do not what I SHOULD do. And whatever you say I would never do what I don’t want to do. So the subjects I hated I did not study them. I just tried to score full marks in others or 2, 3 marks less. That would cover me for the subjects I did not study.

               The plan was perfect. It went perfect. And I scored 909. Well, obviously I was ecstatic. Nothing could be more perfect. I got the score that I wanted. What could possibly go wrong? I thanked God like I should have. I was insanely happy. And all my friends were insanely happy because after scoring 437 in 9^th no one thought that I could come to the merit for ffcg. All my friends scored more than me. They had in 9^th. We all knew that they would get into ffcg. The only problem was me. That was solved for sure. Atleast we thought it was. Then the merit list for ffcg was out. That’s when everything went wrong. Their first list ended on 980. I thought that still I had a chance. There was a second list. And there WAS a second list. But it ended on 960. And that was it. There was no third list. I hoped and hoped but there wasn’t. There, I missed the only chance to study and meet everyday with the best people alive. I was devastated. I had absolutely no purpose to live. I wanted to die. There was nothing in my life, that I had wanted this much. I told myself there were better plans that Allah had made for me. I convinced myself that something good was going to happen with me. I asked Allah everyday that why was he keeping me alive?  That if I don’t wanna live why I had to. And then I lost interest in everything. Nothing in my life was right. Nothing has ever been since then. But that was one year ago. Now I am in 1^st year in Global College for Girls. And all my friends are in ffcg. The days of my depression started after the last day that I met my friends. The day my depression ended was the day when I met my friends after three something months. Nothing in my life has been more wrong than this. I couldn’t see my friends everyday. But it was still fine. My dad permitted me to meet them often like once a month. But that went on only for three months. Then we were busy in studying, because 1^st year is already very short. And we had to study. But I was again at the same point I had been in 9^th. I HAD NO GOAL. Then when I came out of my depression, I started thinking about my life. Life does not end on your friends. I had to have a goal. Oh I forgot to tell, I had taken admission in pre medical. But that wasn’t my choice of subjects. That was a choice made by Allah for me. And I don’t regret it.

               Ok so I thought what I liked most in life that was related somewhat to my field too. I had always loved army. My field was medical. So I decided I had to be an army doctor. So I go, on the first day of college, with full determination of being an army doctor. I knew that I could do anything I wanted. And I mean anything. Another thing that you should know that when I completed my hifz at the age of 7, I was declared world champion hafiz-e-quran. And when anyone had ever taken my test, I never made a mistake. But then because I was so intelligent, according to my parents, I could easily go in the 5^th class. And I wouldn’t need to study primary classes to pass in the 5^th class. But what went wrong here was that when I went into 5^th class, I was under so much pressure that I didn’t revise quran that often. And that was the biggest mistake in my life. Because when you forget quran, it’s so much harder to learn it a second time.

               So we go back to the first day of college. I was sad because I was not with my friends. But that didn’t stop me from studying. Because I still had a goal in my mind that I had to achieve. First two months went pretty well. I scored well. I made some friends not as good as before. But then I wasn’t that sad. I was doing well. I wasn’t exactly happy but I hoped I would be one day. What could possibly go wrong? But then it occurred to my father that I had to learn my quran again. And because doing quran and 1^st year at the same time was not quite possible. So my dad decided that I won’t give the board exams for 1^st year. So when I thought nothing in my life could go wrong anymore. I was wrong. Here I am writing about my life when everyone else is busy studying for 1^st year, because board exams are near and they have a GOAL to achieve.

Author's Note

i have done my best :) what do you think?

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Your explanation is mostly clear, but there are some places that sound repetitive & other places where things don't quite make sense to someone who isn't in the same school system (so this could use more explanation in places, to make sense to everyone, how your school system works). But after reading this, I feel that you would not be open to anyone's comments, so why should I waste my time? You already told us you only do what you want to do. So you will probably blow me off & forget anything I might say.

Here's the thing I would say, if I thought you cared or would listen to anyone's idea of life, other than your own. It sounds like you are determining your life on only OUTSIDE stuff. You are letting life push you around, as you only respond to these markers that someone else has defined for your life. I believe that a person needs to do well for self-satisfaction. This is the way to life so that you don't get depressed every time things don't go according to your expectations. Life NEVER goes according to our expectations, so we need to have an internal compass that guides us.

Since I believe you're going to blow me off anyway, I'll stop here. I hope you find your way.

[hania azhar]

Well, i am not going to blow you off. Because if i wasn't going to listen to anybody other than myself, why would i write something here? And I am trying to find my way through this difficult time of my life. And I will try to work on the stuff that you mentioned above. Your comments are always welcome. Thank you for the review. It helped me a lot. :)

[barleygirl]

You know what? I just realized a little more about what's going on with your message here. In your piece, you are saying you never listen to anyone, & you'll only do as much as you wanna do, etc. But then, in fact, you are showing us that this is not exactly true, becuz you are trying to follow some things that other people have set up for you to try for, in life, like wanting to follow your friends to a certain school or trying to re-learn the quran as your dad suggests. Maybe it's not very clear in your piece the way it is here . . . but I think you might mean to show us that you've changed from this person who was too sassy & defiant to listen to what other people (& even you yourself knew) was the right thing to do. I can see this "growth" factor that's being alluded to in your message here. But maybe it would be good to make it a little more clear. Ex: This is the way I used to be, not listening to anyone, only doing as much as I wanna do, blah-blah-blah . . . and then later, showing us the ways you've changed from this person. That way, it doesn't sound like you would probably blow someone off, if they tried to make any suggestions for your writing . . . becuz you're not that person anymore. This, I think, could be made clearer in your piece. I hope you know what I mean. Thanks for considering this.

[hania azhar]

The thing is that there are times in your life that you wanna just say it all. Everything that has been bothering you or everything I'm your life that went wrong. For example, the time i wrote this piece. And I think if I have changed a little bit from the person I was a month ago that is good for me. By the way thank you for putting this much thought into this.

[barleygirl]

Yes, I agree. When I was at my worst point these past 5 years, I wrote a letter to God where I felt like kicking Him in the butt. I should post that (one day when I get the courage) to reveal how I am, when I'm not feeling like being very positive.

[hania azhar]

Yeah. That's exactly the point I wanted to mention. Thank you so much for helping me when you thought I wasn't even going to listen to you. ☺

[Shabeeh Haider]

What I have gathered after reading this is that you are low on self esteem.
Being a parent of a girl who is about your age, I can understand the stress that you have to go through to meet their expectations.
It is indeed very sad when parents expect their children to excel in studies. Every student cannot be number one. Every one is unique and has their own talent.
The added pressure of learning the Quran by heart would definitely have affected your studies.
I would advise you not to take on so much pressure. Experience tells me that those who have been average students have excelled in life.
If being an army doctor is what impresses you, means you DO have an aim and a goal. That is all the more reason to study hard and achieve it.
If you fail to obtain the required marks, don't get disheartened. There are many other fields of study.
Believe in yourself and believe in the God who has created you. He will never make you suffer.
What you really need is a mother or sister who can talk to you and understand you. If they are not on the same wave length as you then you need a good and understanding friend. You need to express yourself and let it all out.
God bless you.

[hania azhar]

Yes, you are right. I do have a goal and I am struggling to achieve it. I just need to gather some courage to pull myself together. Thank you for helping me through this time of my life. I am glad to know that you understand what I am going through. :)

[Usman Muhammad]

Expect the worst,
Prepare for the worst,
Keep writing

[hania azhar]

thank you :')