Just a Phase

Every holiday season, my relatives would ask if I found a boyfriend. I'm sure many families do the same, but I'm from an old-fashioned Christian family. They didn't ask me just out of curiosity. They were judging me. What good was a daughter if she wasn't serving a man? Each time I said I was single, they looked at me with disappointment. But there was more to it than they knew. It wasn't that I was too timid to get a boyfriend, or that I somehow repelled the ones who were interested. I just didn't like boys.

I didn't initially realize it. When I was elementary-school-aged, I didn't think much about it, one way or the other. When I got a little older, and the other kids would talk about the guys/girls they liked, I still couldn't relate. It didn't necessarily bother me, but it did make me wonder when I didn't have any romantic feelings of my own. It wasn't until I was fourteen that I would start to realize why.

The details are a little fuzzy, but the gist of it is that there was an upcoming choir concert. The class was waiting outside the auditorium for the teacher to unlock the doors for rehearsal. I was standing with one of my friends. He had done something to his ankle and had to walk with crutches. We were freshmen at the time. A junior girl--Lauren, I think her name was--walked over to us and asked him what happened to his ankle. While the two talked, I noticed how incredibly pretty she was. After their conversation, she left, and I watched as she walked away, not quite sure what to think.

Fast forward a year, give or take a few months. After Lauren, I continued to - for lack of a better word - notice other girls. Given my upbringing, I was extremely uncomfortable with this side of me. I told myself it was nothing, and I tried to cover it up. I even had a boyfriend, for about two weeks. He was a friend I'd had for as long as I could remember. He was nice enough, but my heart just wasn't in it.

After church one day, I drove to hang out with one my friends. I'll call her Summer. Summer and I spent the whole day together. We got coffee, met up with a few other girls to see a movie, and then went back to her place for the night. Early the next morning, we went out on a hill near her house and watched the sunrise. It would have been terribly romantic if either of us cared to think that way. But we didn't. At least, not at first. At one point, I looked over at her. The way she looked, completely at ease with the first rays of the sun illuminating her face, her deep gray eyes practically glowing, her long blonde hair framing her face, something welled up inside of me. I had an urge to embrace her.

Again, I ignored it and carried on as I always had. But the same feeling kept coming up whenever I was with Summer, and a select few other girls. The time finally came when I couldn't pretend my attractions didn't exist. But there still was no way I could confess to my family. I accepted it about myself but didn't tell anyone for a year and a half. My senior year, I finally decided to come out to my mother and younger brother. My brother said that was gross. My mother accused me of looking for attention. After a few weeks of me adamantly sticking to my claim, she said I was "going through a phase".

During church, my mother told me to pray for forgiveness, and I think she prayed for me, herself. When the holiday seasons rolled around, she told me not to mention "my problem" to anyone. She didn't want her family seeing what an embarrassment her daughter was. A couple of my poems on this site talk about that.

Almost a year later, she still isn't fond of the idea of having a queer kid. She hasn't looked at me the same way since I told her. But it doesn't matter what other people think. I'm finally happy with myself. I can look in the mirror and be happy with the person looking back. She isn't perfect. She has flaws and bad days. But she keeps going, one day at a time.

Author's Note

A tale from my life. I know it's not particularly well written, but I wanted to put it out there. Hopefully, it can help anyone who is going through the same thing.

*The picture for this story is of me with the boyfriend I had and his sister. I think you can tell just from looking at the picture that I wasn't happy. I may be in a tougher situation now, but I'm happy I get to be myself.

*reuploaded from my old account: http://www.writerscafe.org/HannahTaylor

Reviews

[.]

Wow! A strong, personal write, Hannah.

I am unable to relate to the experience you have gone through but through your words here I can get an understanding, however small, as to the difficulties and uncertainty of thoughts you have endured.

The Christian upbringing will no doubt affect your family relationship's, but the main thing is that you yourself have truly discovered who you are and what makes you happy. And personal happiness and individual self respect are important assets for a healthy life. Be yourself. You can't change the opinions of others, but you can hope they see things in time as clearly as you do now.

A courageous write. Heartfelt, strong and with a cloud lining of positivity and contentment. Well written.

[Hannah]

Thank you very much for taking the time to read and leave your thoughts. I appreciate your kind words. I agree that personal happiness and acceptance is crucial. It's good talking to you again after so long.

[.]

Very welcome. And welcome back!

[Themistocles Parnassos]

That was an interesting story and well written! I like brave and sincere people like you who don't oppress themselves and accept their nature.

[Hannah]

Thank you. I appreciate your kindness.

[KCthelastboyscout]

Discovering your true nature sometimes is a scary thing..but revealing it to the world is courageous. This is s different world from when I grew up acceptance of what you want you want to be is more tolerable. Thank you for writing this story.someone will read this who can relate and become brave too

[Hannah]

Thank you very much, KC. I wrote this story hoping it could help someone.

[Justin]

that was extremely powerful!!! u know who u are as a person, which is the most important part!!! unbelieveable job Hannah :) :)

[Hannah]

Thank you very much, Justin! I appreciate your support.

[Justin]

your welcome, that is wat friends are for :)

[danielle.]

Thank you for sharing this Hannah. I think anyone who lives honestly outside of what is considered 'the norm' is incredibly brave.

[Hannah]

Thank you very much, elle. Very kind of you to say.

[Stan Lee]

Hannah this is a beautifully written recount. I'm sure that there will be people who can relate to this on a personal level and will be comforted. Very brave and well done. Thank you for sharing. :)

[Hannah]

Thank you, Andronicus. I appreciate your kindness.

[Jacob Clifford]

I know I reviewed this story on your old account, but I just want to reiterate how courageous I think you are in this part of your life. It takes guts to be who you are, even when other people won't like it. I hope your situation has improved and will continue to do so.

[Hannah]

Thanks again, Clifford.

[Great Aunt Astri]

A straight forward and brave account of finding out how you really feel. I think many girls of your age feel this way. In my time, girls often had 'crushes' on other girls. This was actually considered quite normal, and, as your mother thought, a phase. And I think, nearly always the girl ended up with a man. But times have changed. I have two relatives who are gay, and perfectly accepted and happy with it. I think even the Christians, (well, over here.) are now accepting it.

[Hannah]

Thank you very much, Astri. I appreciate your comments.