We Are and Will Always Be lonely, but That's Ok..

                We, Homo Sapiens, the “social” animals, are expected to be perpetually social; otherwise, we will wind up to be"abnormally unhealthy". We place unnecessary and tremendous emphasis on the importance of interpersonal intelligence; yet, alas, we tend to neglect what Friedrich Nietzsche revered and cherished, intrapersonal intelligence (one’s inner emotions and feelings). Since a very young age, we were inculcated with commands and conditioned to interact, understand, and love others; that’s, without any doubt, crucial for our survival, to say the least. Nevertheless, what our parents and schools forgot to both normalize and moralize, is the importance of understanding, observing, and loving ourselves and our volatile emotions.

                    In many of our cultures, the words lonely and loneliness are being recklessly and ignorantly used as euphemisms for characteristics such as losers, anti-social, and forlorn. When you skip dipping with the boys to the pubs for the sake of ruminating the work of John Locke or Picasso, you will be--falsely of course--accused of being depressed, or even someone who does not like or know how to have fun; when you go to school, ,your teachers will send you to the counseling center if you were invariably sitting by yourself preoccupied with reading a book that piqued your interest-- we tend to envy those with loving partners and feel contempt and sorry for those who are single, or in other words, "lonely". 

                   In many Middle-Eastern and African countries, having sex is the pinnacle of what is taboo, particularly before marriage. If you have sex with someone whom you are not "officially" attached to,  then that means that you disrespected and violated the sacred rules and solid tenets of the religion and the norms; therefore, of course, you will be ostracized by your surroundings who are victims of the cultural and religious myths. Many astute observers were appalled by this limiting restriction, and as Alan De Botton beautifully observed, many individuals will marry for the wrong reason, simply for sex, which fails to supply us with everlasting pleasure. Once two individuals who are seemingly in love get married, they will finally, after many years of sexual suppression and guilt, express their sexuality. Nevertheless, alas, they will discover that sex is and was not the crucial component that brings two partners together. And then thereafter, those two couples have to endure their incompatible personas and visions and try to mix them together with the hope that it will make sense, yet invariably, it does not. 

                               modern western societies scrutinized those severe repercussions of sexual suppression that result in false, unsuccessful marriages. they chipped off this destructive component and bestowed us sexual freedom-- now we can sleep with whomever we want, we should not feel shameful about our sexuality, and we should look beyond "sex" when we are trying to wisely choose a potential candidate with whom we will have a long-term relationship. Nonetheless, we shall not be beguiled into this false narrative-- yes sex has become less of a factor to consider when choosing or searching for a partner, yet there is, in my eyes, an equally vicious and relationship-destructive component that we need to overcome, the escape from loneliness.

              Loneliness is depicted as that self-destructive, unappealing, loser-like, unhealthy, inhumane, self-centered, egotistic, and depressive state in which we can indulge in. We are all constantly on the verge of insanity, we have a plethora of pain to endure-- that's why, we are perpetually and desperately searching for that knight-like hero who will snatch us from the midst of our miserable loneliness just to re-fill us again with jubilancy and spontaneity. Once someone breaks up with us, once we move to another country, or once we feel that being single is unbearably unpleasant-- we, instead of indulging in retrospection and self-analyzation, look for extrinsic forces that will bring us to our happy state. The accumulation of the cultural emphasis on the unappealing nature of loneliness has attached negative stigmas and connotations to the idea of loneliness. When we feel morose we seek others to snatch us from this moroseness-- they will, temporarily, of course, snatch us from our forlorn miserable state and bring us back to life. Later on, once we discover that this individual who was once heroic, is not only deeply imperfect but "causing" us some undesired, unbearable irritation; we will start blaming our partners for our despondency and we will lack the love that needs to be poured into the relationship. The cause of this, and many of the other failures in relationships, is rather simple-- we were not able to learn how to live happily and peacefully with ourselves before living with other complex individuals. We thought that the pain that we constantly feel would be not only understood by our partners but will be diminished as well. Romantics deceived us by saying that there is that perfect soulmate who is out there waiting for us, and once we meet that soulmate, they keep inculcating, we will live happily ever after-- and we, our pain, and our thoughts will be understood and revered by our soulmate who is the "perfect one".

                     "Our soulmate", usually for the first six months or so, will be the "perfect one"-- he or she will laugh at our cheesy jokes, they will appreciate our insecurities and vulnerabilities, they will happily confess their deep admiration for our eerie gap between our teeth, and they will seem to understand us without words being uttered. And after the inevitable discovery of the imperfect nature of our partners, we will start to regard and perceive their flaws as unbearable, undesirable, unpredictable. Those " perfect soulmates" that we once regarded as the savior are now anathemas to our existence. We will lash out at them for minor incidents, we will blame them for not understanding us, and we will point fingers at them for their incapability of making us lucidly happy. That is partially caused by our inability to love our loneliness and indulge in it-- we are too dreadful to wander in our complex minds to try to decipher the seemingly inexplicable emotions that we possess. We will look for love from the outside rather from the inside. We will be deceived by the idea that our pain can be shared with others, especially our partners, but we forget that we, and only we, ourselves, are the ones who are destined to feel the pain. Once we appreciate ourselves, once we understand ourselves, once we love and admire ourselves, once we live happily by ourselves, and once we truly know that we are destined to be lonely, happily lonely, then, you and I will be ready for a healthy, constructive relationship. A relationship from which we don't expect a savior, or from which we expect a perfect, compatible partner, but a relationship in which we can love unconditionally and expect nothing in return. 

                   LONILINESS..

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[Heather Kendall]

You are a wonderful writer. I can not wait to read more of your posts. Here is my website come leave a comment. My name is Heather Kendall and I would like to be friends on here.
www.cometoheathersblog.wordpress.com
Heather Kendall