I want my freedom!

I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know if I have the right to go and search for my freedom. Where I came from girls are lucky if they go to school. Should I consider myself lucky!

 

Well, I’m far for being a lucky woman except that I have a wonderful and sweet mother that I look up to her and without her I would never know how to even write my name. I’m grateful that I have her in my life..

 

I’m not looking for that freedom for going all the night long and partying and getting myself drunk cause that’s not who I am and who I want to be…

 

I was born and raised to someone who calls himself a father but he is far from being a father or should I say that I’m such a bother to him. Yes, he never left us but he abused us physically in the past and if I survived his physical abuse in the past not sure yet how.. I still struggle from the emotional abuse that he puts us through almost everyday.

Part of me screams for help but I’m living in this place that they would blame us (the victims and not the abuser). Funny how life can be rough sometimes for surving to live. And living with an enemy who isn’t the one.. I sometimes wonder why I was born? I haven’t had that warm welcome from my dad. All I got was nothing but sorrow..

 

God made me a woman. I have no voice.  I am voiceless!  I have no right. Maybe I’m a sin to him. As he says all the time he never wanted me to born. To my society I am the lowest of the low. My thoughts do not matter. He can hit me. Hit mom. Hit my brother. And yet no one would know or help. He can yell at me and beat mom and still no one cares.. We’re defenseless yet we punished just because we’re alive. We are such a bother. Yes, we are…

 

For my whole life I thought that I deserve to be treated that way. He can yell at me all the night long over stupid things and yet I still say nothing. I shout my mouth but inside I’m screaming who give him the right to abuse me? Is it I’m a woman and nobody would care about me cause to them I just have to do some housework and get married to someone I don’t even know in the end thankfully that is not going to happen cause I have a mother who defends me! Even if sometimes we ended up broken inside..

 

 

I dream to seek and find my dream in this unfair world. Where weak people get kicked and slammed and punished. Where we don’t have the right to defend ourselves.

I was talking to mom the other day about my brother who just died last year. I was telling her that I’ve missed him and mom said he is in a better place at least he is away from my father’s sight. Yeah, she prefers her 20 year old boy to be dead than living in this hell.

 

 

I just wonder if that the case for me.. Should I die to reach in a place where I never get hurt. Where I could speak whatever I want without being afraid of making this person to beat me to death or seeing him beating the rest of my family..

 

I clean his mess and I even clean his shoes. And If I would I could do it with a smile in my face if at least he said thank you or even he smiled at me instead of seeing that frown face whenever he steps that door..

 

His words cuts like a knife and there is nothing I can do but bleeding inside.. I can’t keep ignoring cause I feel it’s not working anymore.. And he don’t back down ever.. He knows for sure that I’m hurt but he doesn’t care. He feed off my pain. I bleed, and bleed where no one can see. No one can help. No one knows.. But I do hurt.

 

 

My only dream is to get my degree and help myself and my family. But who knows I may end up dead and maybe finally I can live my own freedom and meet my God. Maybe he will treat me the way I wanted my father treat me…

 

 

 

Author's Note

I’m not looking for your sympathy or pity, nah! And I’m not seeking anyone’s attention by posting this! It’s a real story and I just need to be heard, to send a message to the world. Maybe I was mad at the time I wrote that and I just needed to vent what I kept inside for so long! I have no close friends to talk too! I only have this laptop to put in words what it has been going on! I don’t know if this laptop was a bless or a curse! I just need to speak loudly so anyone can hear what I need to say.. I still can’t find the way out but I hope when that day comes it won’t be too late! :(

Reviews

[bob, small b. aka invs]

living in the united states, it's hard to understand this kind of abuse that is accepted by the culture where you live. though we are not without abuse problems in this country, there is hope of escape and freedom. i don't know where it is you live, but i find it so sad that life is so bleak for you and other women there. i wish you the best. i can only hope that you will find your freedom and the strength you need to survive till that freedom comes.

[Revery]

My childhood wasn't as harsh as this but as I got my freedom I learned a very important lesson, I could change or vindicate the past but I could be different to my children and wife. It is so sad that men forfeit so much love they could give and receive and are cruel to those they be protecting and loving. Please know that not all men are like this.

[persianleopard]

Oh my gosh, you do have my sympathy, even though you don't seek it. All I can say is go for your freedom. No one should have to live under such darkness. Be courageous. And keep writing! It's good! :D