Cousin IT

When I was 8 I experienced a situation that to this day has left me confused. I honestly don’t know if I’m devastated or just slightly bothered. We were family and both children. Did he understand the gravity of the situation? Was this something that he had to go through himself? Part of me feels a bit of sympathy towards him. I know that sounds weird because what happened did greatly affect my life. I don’t trust men even though I find them to be great people. I feel guilty for that. I feel guilty for being afraid and blaming it on being molested. I constantly ask myself if I’m overreacting. Is it really that big of a deal?

My therapists always tell me I’m a survivor, but I don’t see it. I can’t grasp that.  At that time I don’t think I really understood what happened. I knew it was wrong and that it bothered me. I was confused. As I got older I think it began to sink in. But the older I get the hazier the memory gets. Is that a good thing?  I’m not afraid of him, but I am uncomfortable. I wonder if he remembers. There’s a part of me that still finds him a good person. I think maybe it’s a part of me trying to cope. Trying to keep it together.

Sometimes I experience boughs of paranoia. I’m afraid my family secretly doesn't believe me. I automatically expect every guy wants to use me. It bothers me sometimes that my family still interacts with this person. Why do they consider him family? Are they just saving face? Whenever it’s brought up they get quite and don’t really acknowledge it. Then there’s times where I’m told how strong I am. I’m still very confused.

Sometimes I think I’m throwing a pity party and the only one attending is myself sometimes I just feel nauseous.