The 21 year old virgin

I’ve always had this impression that when I lost my virginity I’d re-dress myself afterwards feeling like a new woman. I thought maybe I’d walk away with a huge boost in self-esteem. I had it pictured perfectly. I was so sure it was going to be some life changing experience. Totally awesome. Looking back I have to laugh at how naive I was for a 21 year old. But I was a virgin who could blame me? The only idea I had of what sex was like was from the pornos I’d watch online. But I felt like I was in such a rush to lose it. I was 21 for crying out loud! I remember at parties the girls would sit around and exchange stories about the terrible sex they've had or embarrassing things they've had happen during sex. I’d prayed that no one would try to include me in the conversation. I also felt left out. I had nothing to contribute and definitely felt that my virginity was something I needed to keep a secret. It wasn’t like I didn’t ever have the chance to lose it. I was just crippled with fear of being bad and having everyone find out I sucked.

I eventually lost it to my crush of 5 years, Corey. Since I was 17 I’d been head over heels for the kid. I thought he was perfect. We’d spend nights sitting in his driveway and talk for hours. I didn’t realize that he only wanted to hang out after 10 o’ clock at night and never wanted to do anything during the day. He was a mechanic, so I’d constantly try to think of excuses to text him and ask him about my car in hopes of starting a conversation. He was also a drummer in a band and had tattoos, which made him "cool".

Finally, one night Corey texts me and flat out asked if I wanted to lose my virginity. This wasn’t the first he’d proposed the idea, but this time I just had to get it over with. My 22^nd birthday was in 4 months and I refused to be a 22 year old virgin. As I changed out of my night clothes I froze and tried to decide if I was really about to do this. While I drove to his house I lit a cigarette and could barely steady my hands to flick the lighter. When I arrived I could smell the alcohol on his breath. It hit me that this was just a “booty-call.” I don’t know what I was expecting at that time. I think I secretly hoped that if I slept with him he’d like me and want to make his girlfriend. I was fully aware that he objected to ever sharing the same feelings as I did and that we “were only friends”. But I was so sure that this would change everything.

He slapped my a*s and said, “Let’s go do this!” 5 minutes later I laid there waiting for the excruciating pain of my hymen breaking that every girl talks about, but it ended up not hurting at all. I don’t think you call what happened sex per say. I like to refer to it as ’10 minutes of missionary disappointment’.
After it was over and done with I sat there on the edge of the bed wondering what exactly happened. That was it? It was over already? As Corey put his clothes back on he apologized he didn’t get to let me “finish”. He was too drunk to keep going and was tired. He swore could usually go much longer. “Maybe next time”, he said with a wink.

I suddenly felt a wave of shame and embarrassment wash over me. I quickly re-dressed and made it a mission to leave to as soon as possible. Before I left he stopped me to have a cigarette with him. As we sat there in silence he blows out  cigarette smoke and says bluntly, “You know I’m never going to date you, right?” My heart broke, but I acted as if I totally already knew.

 As I drove home I realized that the whole concept of ‘losing your virginity’ is a joke. I didn’t lose anything. It was lame and not the glorious 45 minutes of ecstasy I imagined. I don’t necessarily regret it, but I do wish I hadn’t been so naïve about it all. I mean, I didn’t feel any different, just disappointed. 

Author's Note

not finished

Reviews

[Gee]

For bliley read blimey,not very good at this

[Gee]

Bliley didn't think 21 year old virgins existed,a bit like dragons and unicorns.Enjoyed the read.Perhaps not your bag but have posted a poem called"Virginity,not lost,given away"be interested to hear what you think.