Zero Boyfriends

“How can you not have a boyfriend?”

“I can believe you’ve gone this long without liking a boy”

“You never have a boyfriend. Are you a lesbian?”

These are questions that often come up anytime my single relationship status is discussed. I do like boys. I’ve liked a lot of boys. But I fixate. When I like a boy all the other boys become uninteresting and not attractive to me.

It’s not that I’m not attracted to men. It’s more like men aren’t attracted to me. I don’t know why people can’t understand why. I know exactly why.

 I think  people get a subconscious idea that there’s not something right. I'm always weird, whether I want to be or not. I become hyperaware. I fixate on making sure I appear to be normal. I think this only makes me appear even stranger.

Even if I do somehow manage to trick some poor fool into finding me interesting or attractive it usually doesn’t last but a few weeks. At first, I’m excited- ready for anything, but then I just want to be left alone.

I’ve been led in to thinking a person would want to date me, only to have it end up being a cruel joke/bet between his group of friends. Although this happened 12 years ago, I still never want to feel that profound sense of humiliation. I never want to feel the heartbreak I had when I finally lost my virginity to my crush of 5 years only to be told, ”You know I’ll never date you.” I forbid myself to allow a person of the opposite sex get close enough and allow my feelings to be hurt.

And no matter how much I try to reason with myself I remain stubborn and insist on remaining set in my ways.  Eventually I end up consoling myself by determining the real reason is that “I just like the idea of having a boyfriend”.

Now continuing on; forget the melodramatics.

The only TV shows I watch religiously are American Horror Story and Jeopardy (every night at exactly 7:30). My Netflix consists of documentaries ranging from “How the Universe was Formed” to “Divine’s Autobiography”. One of my most stable relationships is with my cat (who I named Dr. Tiny Cat). I rarely can utter a sentence without profanity. I have conversations with myself out loud when no one is around. I have more bottles of perfume than friends. Fun for me includes: firing off feminist rants on social media, drinking coffee alone at the river, consuming multiple whiskey high-balls, and of course…Jeopardy. Something tells me this isn’t what most guys look for.

I’m 23 struggling to make more than 100 dollars every two weeks. I’ve changed my major 5 times and have yet to receive my AA. Meanwhile, most kids I graduated high school with have graduated college. I still live with my parents and do household chores. I’m constantly asking for them to lend me money. My friends occasionally have to pay for me to go out with them; my invites to go out have been dwindling.

Needless to say, my self-esteem isn’t doing too hot.  This may or may not factor into my struggle. I’ll get back to you.

I also don’t exactly attract the most…appealing individuals. Mostly, they are my younger brother’s friends. Often donning a fedora, they tell me about their terrible taste in music.... Electro/screamo hasn’t really ever been my thing. Loud and over rambunctious, they draw attention as they playful pretend to hit each other in the balls. Some of them wear sandals. No. They participate activities such a parkour and World of War Craft. You get the idea.

Plus they’re nice to me. Not really something I’m not equipped to handle. Showing intimacy towards a member of the opposite sex is not something I know how to do.  It makes me uncomfortable. I often come into contact with boys who are very… bold. Flash them a smile and they automatically think you want to sleep with them. I feel like most boys expect sex ASAP (as narcissistic as that sounds). This is something I want to avoid. I don’t like awkward situations.

......

Author's Note

Total nonsense

Reviews

[The Twin Arenas]

Jep's a good show. Hang in there, chiefy.