Changed

A Poem by DeafeningPoem

How death has affected me

Can you see the change in me? It may not be so obvious to you. I participate in family activities. I attend family reunions. I help plan holiday meals. You tell me you're glad to see that I don't cry as much anymore. But I do cry! When everyone has gone-when it's safe-the tears fall. I cry in privacy so my family won't worry. I cry until I am exhausted and can finally sleep.

You tell me you admire my strength and my positive attitude. But I am not strong. I feel that I have lost control, and I panic when I think about tomorrow...next week...or next year. I go about the routine of my job.
I complete my assigned tasks. I drink coffee and smile.
You tell me you are glad to see I am getting " over " the death of my grandpa . But I'm not getting over it. If I were getting "over" it, I would be the same as before my Grandpa died. I will NEVER be the same.
At times I think I am beginning to heal, but the pain of losing someone I love so much has left a permanent scar on my heart.

I visit my neighbors. You tell me you are glad to see I am holding up so well. But I'm not holding up well. Sometimes I want to lock the door and hide from the world. I spend time
with my friends. I appear calm and collected. I smile when appropriate. You tell me it's good to see me back to my "old self" . But I'll never be back to my "old self".

Death and grief have touched my life, and I am FOREVER CHANGED