Excuse Me, But Where is the Ground?

A Story by HY Lindgren

A nonfiction piece that desperately needs feedback!

Excuse Me, But Where is the Ground?

I don’t know what I want to do with my life.

In my last year of University I realized I didn’t want to pursue a science career after spending two years studying Environmental Biology. Realizing it was difficult. I felt I’d worked hard yet my grades didn’t translate. It was tough grasping what you’d set out to do, what you’d put so much time, effort and money in to, was just not for you. It’s heart breaking.

After my despair, however, I felt deep down a sense of relief. I’d known all along science wasn’t my subject, but rather had been pressured to pick a subject by the time Uni came around, and settled on Environmental Biology simply because I love nature. I slowly came to discover: loving nature is not the same as loving science.

So after graduation I decided to take a step back. University had been more towards the traumatic side of things, from moving to a new country, dealing with personality-clashing flatmates and on top of that realizing I’d chosen the wrong subject. I legitimately felt I couldn’t handle the ‘real world’ anymore. I simply couldn’t. So I moved home and tried to look for validation within.

The first 6 months of my gap year I spent… well, it won’t sound like much, but I was getting my feet back on the ground. I took photography lessons 3 times a week. I hung out more with my family and dogs, both I’d missed dearly. And most importantly my brother and I started an Ayurvedic (traditional Indian medicine) journey - but that’s a different post for another time. Though I will say I started Ayurveda in hopes to help with my anxiety, something I’d always had, but during Uni became crippling as I felt I was constantly failing. Thankfully, with the help of both Ayurveda and meditation I’ve been able to handle it a lot better than I thought possible.

I admit during this time I became a huge hermit. To my friends’ dismay I hibernated from both virtual and actual worlds for a long time. I felt bad just disappearing, but it was a necessary step to get back on my feet. In hindsight, I do confess wallowing at times, especially as progress felt slow. But as I learnt healing is slow. It takes time and effort on your part for things to feel alright again. By truly wanting to help yourself it’s okay to take some time off, you owe it to yourself. But also make sure to never be lonely, surround yourself with good people, be it family or friends. (I realize many people aren’t as lucky as me to be able to take time off, and I’m forever grateful to my parents for allowing me to take a gap year).

I did eventually start feeling better and likewise became social again. Though one anxiety I couldn’t shake was the common future job jitters: would anyone ever hire me? Something was missing, like a true purpose in life. Luckily, 2 months ago that changed. I got an internship at a design studio, working mostly with museums and spacial design. I was so happy �" I was hired! I do the odd job where needed and I’ve already learnt so much. Getting this internship gave me a whole new sense of purpose and drive. Its hard work, but I rather be working than doing nothing.

So this where I am in life. I’ve felt anxious and listless for a long time, and frustrated because of it. And it’s not until now that things feel like they’re going the right way. But I do want to be cautious and remember my listless feeling may come back, you never know. But at least I know I can pull myself up and have faith in myself that things will work out. I’m still on my journey of discovering what I want to do, and I’m aiming to be productive and follow some of my passions alongside work. One of them includes writing, and thus this blog was born.

I have a good friend who always says ‘the more you have to do, the more you can do’. And I finally find her words of wisdom to be true.