conflicted Love Chapter 2

Chapter 2

There is a certain feeling that overwhelms a person when they are being hugged by a person they truly love, a person who is more beautiful to them than any celebrity or super model. When that person, in that moment, is connected with you emotionally, holding you tightly, physically, and is the primary motive of every firing synapse and speeding neuron in your brain. At least for me, it's a feeling of unmatched comfort, a feeling that this moment could be the rest of my life and I would live the happiest life imaginable. 

That's how I felt when Katelyn wrapped her arms around me, as best as she could, earlier. She'd invited me to a party at her house that was almost entirely strangers, which was normal for me in these situations. As is also normal for me, I coped with the incessant social anxiety by imbibing large amounts of whatever alcohol I could find. Vodka, whiskey, beer, even tequila, if I saw it, or it was offered to me, I was drinking it. 

The arc of the night was not an unfamiliar one either. I get there, say hello to the few people I know, say hello to the people i'm introduced to, and ignore the ones that i'm not. After introducing me to a few people Katelyn, being aware of how difficult all of this is for me, hands me a drink. I take a sip, it's a very strong mixture of whiskey and coke. I speak to Katelyn, aggressively trying to down the drink, before she has to move on and talk to other people she's invited. Once she walks away I toss the remnants of the drink into my mouth, swallow, and find the whiskey and start again. 

For my second drink I find the couch in the corner of the living room. This is my safe spot at Katelyn's parties. It's out of the way, so no one pays any attention to me, it's right below an air vent so i'm cooled like a polar bear in a tropical zoo, and it's positioned so that I can watch the more socially liberated people have fun. I sink into the black leather love seat, as I continue to drain the liquor as quickly as I can. I'm feeling a bit tingly at this point, I feel my body beginning to slip into the warmth of drunkenness.

After finishing the second drink I wait until it appears the kitchen is free of any unwanted conversation, and then I go to fix another glass. I can't find the whiskey or the coke, so I settle for mixing vodka and Sprite. Not a drink i'm particularly fond of, but the goal isn't to enjoy the drink it's to get drunk. I walk back towards my safe spot, only to see it's been taken over by some guy in a tank top who is trying to smoothly deliver every terrible pick up line at a girl I barely recognize. 

I stand against the wall for a moment, unnoticed, and listen and watch this guy as he tries to get an opening into her. 

"So, you're going to school for nursing?" he asked her, as he sat on the arm of the love seat, looking down at her.

"Yes, I am." She smiled, I couldn't tell if she was being polite, or if she was really enjoying this.

"Well, when do I need to come in for my checkup?" He grinned in a way that showed that he was oblivious to how cheesy he is. 

"Well," she laughed, there is no way she's not just being polite. "I don't know, what seems to be the problem?"

"I've got some pain that I need you to look into?"

"Oh really," she smiled again, "where?" 

"Right about here." He said, grabbing his crotch.

"Oh…" she paused for a moment, looking towards the ground. I mean, seriously, what woman would go for that? "Well, I could take a look at that right now."

What the f**k?

"Alright, let's go find some privacy." 

He stands up, takes her by the hand and leads her down the hallway behind me, looking for an empty bedroom. He looks me in the eyes, as he walks by and I am tilting the remaining contents of the glass into my mouth. He looks me in the eye and nods with a triumphant grin douchely contorting his mouth. 

As much as I want to hate this guy, and I do, I can't help but being extremely jealous of him. I mean, for one, he's getting laid, i've not been with a  girl in more than a year, but it's more than that. I wish that I could be so confident in myself, while having so little to offer. I mean, this guy doesn't seem bright. He doesn't seem like he's going anywhere, not that i'm on any highway to success myself. He just seems to have enough for her at that moment, which must be all she needs. A decent looking guy, with confidence, and a hard dick. 

What a s**t, I think to myself. I hate when I get like this, because I know it's bullshit. I don't think she's a s**t, and even if she is I don't think there's anything wrong with that. However, I, like most men who condemn sluttiness, am just bitter. Bitter that she chose someone else, bitter that i'm all alone, bitter at the whole f*****g world. 

I don't even bother mixing my fourth drink, I just grab the bottle of vodka, put it to my lips, and empty the inch or so that was left. At this point, i'm drunk. i find a bottle of rum, mix it with some juice I found in the fridge, I didn't even bother reading what type. I walk around the party, weaving through people in the living room, stepping past people in the hall. Eventually I make my way outside onto the deck, where I find Katelyn, her friend Jasmine, and some fellow I don't know.

"Hey," Katelyn says as I walk up, "This is Mark." she motions toward the tall blonde man with a flimsy mustache, we shake hands, "This is my friend I told you about." she says before I can introduce myself, I give her a questioning glance. "it's all good, trust me."

"It is." he says. "She's been telling me how she really cares about you, and she knows you care about her. And about how it's hard to find friends as devoted as you are."

I nod my head, but i'm sure it's all bullshit. She probably told him i'm some tool who follows her around, and she can't get rid of. I don't know why she'd think that, but she probably does. Of course she does, who wouldn't? 

I feel my breathing get short now.

She probably hates me, she just brings me places as a court jester. Someone that everyone can laugh at.

I take a drink, then try to catch my breath, unsuccessfully.

Everybody is probably laughing, and pointing, and making jokes as soon as I walk by and my back is to them.

I look behind me as the panic attack fully sets in, and my breathing is shallow and labored

I mean, why else would she want me around? I'm not anything special. She clearly has no romantic feelings for me. Not that her lack of attraction is surprising. i'm gross she's gorgeous. Those don't match. 

I begin to slowly walk to the end of the deck, and down the stairs into the yard. Trying to stand as tall as I can to allow as much air into my lungs as possible. 

I'm such a f*****g idiot. Why did I even come here? Why do I constantly allow myself to be the butt of everyone's lifelong joke?

I place my hand high on a tree and lean on it facing the ground. Then I feel a hand on my back.

"It's going to be alright." Katelyn says, rubbing my back.

"I'm fine." I wheeze.

"I know you are, but when I get like this I always think it'd be nice to hear that i'll be alright."

"I'm sorry, you don't have to worry about me." I glance up at her wonderful face, and her reassuring smile. "I don't want to pull you away from your party."

"Oh stop," she said, getting closer to me.

"I'm serious." I look at her, sadly. 

"I know, and I am too."

We stand without talking for a few minutes. Me against a tree slowly regaining my breath, her rubbing my back softly. After about ten minutes I stand up straight, breathing normally.

"Thank you." I say turning to her.

She steps forward swinging both hands around me, and tightly embracing me. The smell of her perfume and laundry detergent is enchanting to me. The feeling of her small body against my large one, and the security and affection that came with it, had me on the verge of tears.

"You don't have to thank me, this is what I am here for." she kisses me on the cheek, "I love you."

"I love you too."

Katelyn takes my hand and leads me back inside. We stop in the kitchen to fix another drink, before she takes me to my safe spot. She sits me down, making sure i'm comfortable, then she squeezes in next to me. I place my arms around her shoulder and she pulls my hand, bringing her tighter against me, with her head on my chest. I sit there feeling happy for the first time in a long time, feeling secure, feeling confident. I fell asleep feeling that way.

I woke up about an hour later, I think. Katelyn was no longer beside me, so I got up to look for her. The party was over, the only people left were three guys passed out in whatever comfortable space they could find in the living room. I walk down the hall to Katelyn's room, and quietly crack the door open. She's lying there asleep in the arms of the guy complaining of fake dick pain to the nursing student, my heart collapses.

Every positive feeling I had earlier, every good thought was replaced by frustration, and bitterness, and sadness, and emptiness. It's not fair for me to feel betrayed, since she didn't betray me, we weren't dating or anything, but I still felt it. I was sad, and I was angry. And to make it worse, to really drive home the point of how low I must be on the perspective mate list, she chose a guy like him? 

I went out to my car and drove home, still half drunk at three in the morning, and all I could think about were the two of them lying there, and imagine what they'd been doing before falling asleep. 

"God!" I said to myself punching the wall as I climbed in bed. "I really should kill myself. Too bad i'm such a f*****g p***y."