Papercuts

I hate myself.

I’ve made so many mistakes.

 

I tripped, and I fell in love;

And I was happier than I thought I ever could be.

I was so proud of saying “I love you” that I made it a promise.

And every day she found a crack in my heart I didn’t know was there

And filled it with herself. That’s when I stopped knowing how to do this

And let “I love you” become “I need you”, “You’re my everything”;

And she fed on that. Maybe for her happiness, maybe for mine,

But if you asked her, she’d say both.

She wasn’t great at this either.

 

I tripped, and I fell out of love.

She was my everything; without her to follow, I was lost.

All my mistakes and all my shortcomings sharpened my heart

Until it hurt her to hold on. But she still did�"because she loved me�"

Until the day she couldn’t. Until the day she broke.

All she ever wanted was to love me.

All I ever did was hurt her.

 

I miss saying “I love you”.

I miss saying “I’m better”, “I’m proud”, “I’m good”,

But saying that would need to be a promise, the same as the ones

That let her in my heart in the first place, where she dwells to this day saying,

“You loved me with everything you are and look what happened,

Yet you’re so tempted to do it again; you sadist,

You monster, you evil man.”

 

I want her to leave.

I want her to let my happiness be so I can fall in love again,

But I can’t because I know in my bones that she’s right about me.

I see it in the pain that still springs up behind me and follows my touch.

I’ve tried so hard to change, but all I’ve done is make her louder.

I can’t let her go; she’s the only part of me that’s still good,

She’ll be a part of me forever,

Just like I promised.