straight forward...

I'd love to see you die, darling,

choking on my poison kiss.

I'd see the life escape your hazel eyes.

 

I'd love to see you suffering,

squirming on the cold tile floor,

struggling for little drops of life.

 

So give in to my touch, my love.

Think not of what is to come,

and smoke your cigarette for the last time.

 

You'll look me in the eye and see

your own image fade away,

but rest assured I'll never forget you.

 

I will possess your soul and you

will not live on after me

yes, I will be your fate, your destiny.

 

So give in to my touch, my love.

Think not of what is to come,

and smoke your cigarette for the last time.

Reviews

[Reema.A]

This is so intense, I liked the bit 'Smoke you Cigarette for the last time' to me it personifies the person this poem speaks to. This paints a vivid picture in my mind - though I don't think I can really explain it - but it does... I think you showed me this one... or something similar to it...? I'm not sure.

[Heavyhearted]

actually i had intended for this piece to become a song. that's why i repeated the stanza. i agree that it's not a very strong piece structurally, not even the best i can do, but the words i used have certain meaning to me.
"smoke your cigarette for the last time" is about the moment before, he is still unaware of what is coming. not very vivid, i know. but it "looked" better in my head...i meant for it to sound like that was the same cigarette he has always been smoking, just always there, in my face.
soul has a specific meaning to me too. i did not use it merely for its effect, it has a religious connection which fits the person this poem -or lyrics- is about, and fate and destiny are important to make a point also. again, weakened structure for the sake of including a personal image.
basically it's about an arrogant a*****e who converted to a different religion and started hiding behind it and twisting it to make excuses for his awful behavior. not that i think this has anything to do with the viewer's perception of it because any piece of art has the right to speak for itself or be analyzed away from its creator.
anyway there's always room for improvement..

[Alessander]

LOVE the opening line - really caught my attention - and I thought I was morbid lol what carries the poem are the vivid images of him dying, squirming on the tile, struggling for the little drops of life...very descriptive and concrete - I have a HUGE BIAS against using the word "Soul" (and fate and destiny to a lesser extent) so maybe use something else? (though I know the word adds metaphysical weight to any piece). Also, I think "smoke your last cigarette" (I don't think "for the last time" is necessary since it's his last one) is such a good line, and you should save that stanza for the end, as you do. SO, omit it from being the third stanza, so that way it's freshness can impact the reader more deeply at the end. Dark emotive piece.

[Ross Saunders]

There is a lot of anger in this poem, but it reads and flows well and I liked it. Some good images here, good word usage. Minor mistake, I think you forgot to capitalize the "i" in stanza 5.