chapter Second

THE WANT OF FUTURE

I believe in starting over.

            I’m a junior in high school and I fear I might not graduate. My grades have plummeted. Halfway into the year I lost all motivation to try because everything just seemed so pointless. Looking back it makes a lot of sense to say I was depressed, and maybe I still am. When I look ahead at my life, I’m afraid to live. I know I do want to live because there’s an entire world to be experienced, but I’m afraid of the immediate future. I might not get the opportunity to go to college because somewhere along the line I went numb for a long, long time. In the culture I live in, not going to college is the worst it gets. College opens doors, defines who you are, and ultimately defines what degree of success you’ll achieve. What’s the point of living if I don’t go?

            From kindergarten I’ve been conditioned to think that my performance in school defines me as a human being. When people look at me all they’ll see is a letter" I’m not what makes up my mind, I’m not a collection of thoughts and memories and ideas and experiences, I’m a letter and so is every kid who’s been enrolled in the s****y American public education system. They’re not human beings, they’re letters. Not judged by their shining moment, their capacity to learn or empathize with others, but judged by the average of every downfall, ever bad day, and the few scattered achievements. The good gets weighed evenly with the bad, but life isn’t linear like that.

            I believe in starting over because I am not a letter. How can you expect six year old me to understand that every mark I get over the course of my educational career will ultimately determine my chance at having a life? How can you expect depressed me to keep trying to prepare for the future ten years from now when getting out of bed is its own immense challenge? I believe in starting over because though I lost sight of the future for some time, the fact that I want to make one for myself proves more about my character and my ability to become a successful member of society than a damn letter grade does. Sometimes it takes a while longer for one person to realize that they want to live and have a direction in life than it does for others.

            I can’t start over because I am a letter. I’ve been solidified in a transcript and all the world will see when they look at me is that I’m worth a D. A “D” does not represent me, nor will it ever represent the incredible variety of people alive. The vast range of emotions, characteristics, and personalities cannot be boiled down to a single letter. A single letter should not solidify my future for me.

            I believe in starting over because I deserve a second chance at making a life for myself.