Animals

My one and only play about animals living there lives in a poorly run pound.

Animals

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Dog: food obsessed

Cat: easily annoyed, vengeful

Ferret: panicked

Worker: hard worker

 Mr. Suit-man: Scared of animals

 Miss. Suit-woman: Animal obsessed

 Mr. Jean-shorts: Confused

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Scene one

(The curtain rises, a light shines upon a set of small dog cages stacked tall. In the middle sits three human sized cages. Despite there being an obvious spot for a padlock, it’s missing. The far left starts opening, revealing a pug.)

DOG: (Running in circles, occasionally barking.) Get excited, c’mon, wake up, new human, need to impress. Express to impress. Energy so they won't leave you be. (Running out of breath.)

(The cage slowly creeks closed, the noise inside going silent while the cage continues shaking. The right door creaks open, revealing a brown ferret.)

FERRET: (Digging a hole into the ground with a shovel, dirt smacking the wall behind them.) NONONONONO, I CAN'T BE TAKEN, THEY WON'T MAKE ME LEAVE!

(The cage squeaks closed, shaking slightly, and going quiet. The one in the center opens to a shaved cat, trying to relax. The shaking walls are causing an echo, making it the loudest cage.)

CAT: (Sitting criss cross, face is scrunched in discomfort. She tries talking to the FERRET.) Can you please calm down?

FERRET: (Their wall shakes faster.) 

CAT: (She tries being a bit more forceful with the DOG.) Shut up! 

DOG: (Keeps running, the walls shaking at about the same pace.)

(The door slowly closes as we see the CAT hiss and lunge at the wall, their cage starting to shake as well, but being the only one that's actually audible from the outside. Blackout, silence.)

Scene two

(The spotlight shines. A store WORKER and a man wearing a suit walk in from the left.)

WORKER: SO what're you looking for Mr. Suit-man?

MR. SUIT-MAN: It’s, um, David… I need something small for my girlfriend. We just moved in together, she loves animals, and our house would be a zoo if I didn’t try to limit it.

WORKER: Well, we have the perfect one for you: a small, extremely cute, high maintenance, (He opens the door to a missing ferret, a blanket placed over where they were digging) missing… ferret… ha… I’ll be right back. 

(He starts walking offstage to the right as he pulls out his phone, calling his manager to tell them. Afterwards, the door in the center slowly opens to a grinning CAT, gaining the attention of MR. SUIT-MAN.)

MR. SUIT-MAN: Oh, hello, there… (Clearly uncomfortable with animals.)

Cat: (Starts meowing loudly. Sounds like hello.)

MR. SUIT-MAN: (laughs slightly.)

(Suddenly, the door slams against the CAT as the left one gets pushed open by the DOG, causing MR. SUIT-MAN to look over, flabbergasted.)

DOG: (He grins as he twirls like a ballerina.)

MR. SUIT-MAN: (Can’t help applauding.) 

(The door slams against the DOG and opens up to the CAT, with MR. SUIT-MAN looking at her.)

CAT: (The CAT is playing perfectly on the keyboard.)

(The doors swap.)

DOG: (Juggling dice.)

(The doors swap again.)

CAT: (Cooking food inside of a pan.)

(They go back and forth for a few seconds, slamming the cages open and closed.)

MR. SUIT-MAN: (At this point he is too dumbfounded to even speak. He takes a few steps backwards, before quickly sprinting away from where he entered.)

CAT: (Her expression drops as she steps out of her cage.) What was that?

DOG: (His expression also drops. He tilts head, confused.)

CAT: Why did you try to take the humans’ attention? 

DOG: You see what he was wearing? He’s clearly rich! And did you smell him? Beef, pork, chicken, 100% works in a butcher shop or something. (He’s breathing heavily, struggling to contain himself at the thought of food.) 

CAT: (Looks concerned.) That's not the right answer… the only correct answer to my question is, because of those awful humans who run the place. They made our cages out of garbage, and have lots of us grouped together, despite knowing most won't get along. Yet, you want to stay?

DOG: Am I missing something?

CAT: (Takes a deep breath.) How long have you been here? 

DOG: Since I was a pup.

CAT: That explains it. This all you’ve known?

DOG: Suppose.

CAT: Why leave?
DOG: Humans gift cheetos when visiting, can you imagine how much more they’re hoarding? And the ham the caretakers give us as treats, I know I wouldn't be limited to once per day outside.

CAT: (Rolling its eyes, but calmed down, and with a new understanding, lays within its cage.) Just, stay out of my way. 

(Blackout.)

Scene three

(The spotlight shines to show that the center cage was left open. You can see the CAT is struggling to sleep inside, laying against the right wall while the left one shakes, the DOG kicking it in his sleep. A moon dangles from overhead. Then, the FERRET’S head appears from the floor, causing the CAT to hiss out in surprise.)

CAT: How’d you get in here!?

FERRET: Dug a hole. I was underneath the floor, overheard a conversation. (His body is halfway out the hole as they rise up. He’s speaking quickly)

CAT: Which one?

FERRET: The only one you had that day. That week, even. You know, you’d have a way better time here if you spoke with the other animals.

CAT: Like who? The food freak next door? The ferret digging through my floor? Or maybe the ones who’ve been eyeing me like I’m a meal? 

FERRET: You might be right. But, not like you have other options.

CAT: (Scoffs, avoiding eye contact.) What's that supposed to mean?

FERRET: Oh, nothing. You’ve just been trapped here about a third of your life and the only person who’s shown interest in you in that time ran away. (He begins digging in a different direction, turning his attention away from the CAT.)

CAT: That man was a cowardly fool. 

FERRET: Right. (Deeper into the hole.)

CAT: …I mean, the dog was right, he was obviously loaded.

FERRET: Mhm.

CAT: …probably would have given us ALL a better life, if he wasn't afraid of animals.

FERRET: (Accidentally throws dirt in the CAT’S face, interrupting her stream of consciousness.)

CAT: (Shocked meow.) Where are you even going!? You can’t dig out; I tried that already.

FERRET: It’s a good thing I’m not TRYING to get out, all my friends are here. (He sounds strained, like he’s losing it.) I'm making a hiding system. If they discover the tunnel I made, that's fine, they just have to solve a labyrinth in order to find out which cage I’m in, HaHa. There’s a few dead ends. Animals I think will be adopted quickly won't have a tunnel for me to enter so I’m not caught alongside them-.

CAT: You don’t think I’ll be adopted? (Glaring at the FERRET.)

FERRET: (Already leaving, no longer visible. You can hear from a distance.) See you tomorrow!

(Blackout.)

Scene four

(The light shines to the three cages closed. A man wearing filthy clothes walks in from the stage left with the employee from before.)

WORKER: Ok Mr. Jean shorts-.

MR. JEAN-SHORTS: Sir, are you allowed to give out nicknames to customers-?

WORKER: I understand you're looking for a traveling companion?

MR. JEAN-SHORTS: Y-yeah, I got a new RV. Anything works, really.

WORKER: Well, I’ll be showing you some of our best options. Starting with the friendliest one- (Opens the cage on the left to see that the DOG is growling in the corner.)

DOG: No! (Lunges towards the door, to which it quickly gets slammed in his face) Too poor! Come back with food! (The walls are shaking as the DOG scratches against it.)

WORKER: …Maybe the next one. This one is maybe a little uglier than other cats, but she’s actually trained. (Opens the door to see the CAT is laying down on a plank of wood placed over the hole in the floor.)

CAT: (Yawns as she looks towards them.) I don’t think I’m leaving. Don’t get me wrong, y'all are terrible. But, last night, I had time to think. I think this ugly hound next to me needs someone. He’s not gonna get adopted; he drools everywhere, is completely deformed, and he’s far too hyper. But he has… potential. If I can get him to focus on something aside from food, I think he might become an invaluable companion.

MR. JEAN-SHORTS: This one meows too much. I don’t want something so loud in such a cramped area.

WORKER: Understandable. (Closes the door.) But this next one is definitely fit for a small space. (He opens the final door. The floor has wood layed over the hole, and the FERRET’S body has been wrapped in a blanket so he can’t dig.) Except if your floor is made of weak material, he will dig through it. 

FERRET: (Screeching loudly.) No, leave! 

MR. JEAN-SHORTS: Aw what adorable squeaking… My floor is made of metal, it should be fine. I think I’ll take this one. (He hands over his entire wallet, laying the FERRET over his shoulder as he carries them out.)

FERRET: NOOO, CAT, HELP! YOU BE ADOPTED! YOU GOT THIS, I BELIEVE IN YOU!

CAT: Hmm… No.

FERRET: (Sobbing, getting carried offstage.)

(Time passes, represented by the disappearing, repairing moon. A woman wearing a black suit enters from the left with the employee.)

MISS. SUIT-WOMAN: Sorry about my boyfriend last week, not sure why he thought he could do this.

WORKER: No issue at all, happens all the time. These are the animals he was looking at. (The doors are already open. Both are way calmer. The CAT opens its eyes slightly, before returning to sleep.)

MISS. SUIT-WOMAN: (Smiling as she takes them over her shoulders.) These guys seem friendly. I’m sure my sweetheart will learn to appreciate them. (She walks away from where she entered.)

WORKER: Wait, you didn’t pay! (Chasing after her and leaving the stage. Blackout.)

Scene five

(The lights turn on. The WORKER enters with three new animals from stage right. A husky, a fluffy cat, and a chinchilla)

WORKER: Don’t know how y'all plan on topping the last guest here, they used to be VERY high bidders. The ferret even ended up in an okay spot, the guy who adopted him ended up already having a full house of animals, so that life didn't change all that much. (He places the chinchilla in the ferret's old cage. It still hasn't been fixed.) 

(Aside) FERRET: (A spotlight shines. They’re In a cuddle pile with a group of animals in a small RV, they look content. The spotlight turns off) 

WORKER: The cat I still see sometimes, she ran away from her owners and has been living out on the street. As far as I can tell, she’s well respected by the other cats. (Places the new cat in her cage, it also remains broken.)

(Aside) CAT: (A spotlight shines. She’s sitting on top of a trash can, looking down at a field of neighborhood cats gazing up at her with admiration. The spotlight turns off)

WORKER: The dog I believe ended up at a vet and was diagnosed with type 3 diabetes. (Laughs as he places the new dog in the cage.)

(Aside) DOG: (A spotlight shines. He has gained 100 pounds and is being wheeled around on a wagon by MR. and MISS. SUIT, both of which aren't wearing suits anymore, and are instead in rags. The spotlight turns off)

WORKER: (Still laughing he starts walking offstage.)

(The light shines on our new animals. They're left shaking and nervous about what could happen to them.) 

(Curtains close)

(The end)