Macbooth

A silly retelling of Macbeth

Act one Scene one

[mock lightning and thunder sounds]

[enter the three witches Fogwild, Rivirfae, and Brackenchild]

First witch: umm… so this was fun… when can we, like, meet again? Cause, like, I’m open for whenever. If it’s a thunder storm, or a lightning storm, I’ll even settle for raining. Lemme check my calander real quick.

Second witch: when the battle that’s going on around us just ends. Cause it’s got to eventually, someone’s gotta win.. Right?

First witch [in background]: why isn’t accuweather working?

Second witch [in background]: It never works Fogwild, you know this

Third witch: mhmmm, yup. And that’s all going to happen before the sun sets

First witch: where?

Second witch: out in like that field… right there

Third witch: there’s like this dude named Macbeth out there and stuff

First witch:  well this was fun but I gotta go… [calls familiar] greymalkin come here… familiars, am I right?

Second witch:  [calls her toad familiar] Paddock! That’s like so real though

Third witch: well it’s been fun, but I really must ride off through that fog over there and that filthy air is really refreshing.

[they despawn]

Act one Scene two

[A really bad rendition of the indiana jones theme song on the recorder and the sounds of fighting follow along with hockey heckles.]

[King Duncan struts in with his sons Malcolm and Donalbain on Monty python horses]

[the Duke of Lennox walks in behind and a number of attendants struggle to keep up.]

[They meet a very dramatically wounded Captain.]

Duncan: [sees the Captain and comically jumps back] bloody hell. Ok so, like, I feel really bad about asking you this but you wouldn’t know anything about this thing called a revolt. It seems to be really big right now.

Malcolm: This guy is a sergeant. He kept me from getting captured [turns to Captain and dabs him up] sup dude? Can you spill all the piping hot tea on the battle and how you ended up here?

[Donalbain standing awkwardly in the corner]

[Lennox isn’t looking so awkward]

Captain: Oh it was doubtful. It seemed like neither would win or lose. and Oh! The merciless Macdonwald, he was there and had soldiers with axes! Axes! His entire rebellion is so lucky! Butt… macbeth, oh brave macbeth, he saved us all. He killed the very evil Macdonwald and then he took the head and stuck it on a pike.

[Donalbain still standing awkwardly in the corner]

Duncan: [bites his bottom lip] Oh, how valiant…

Captain: And then the Norwegian king started another attack as soon as the people with axes left

Duncan: And how did Macbeth and Banquo deal with this

Captain: They were like: “how do you defend a flying hockey check? You don’t” and completely obliterated the army

Everyone: Ayyyyy

Captain: Oh, I feel faint. I need a doctor.     

[the attendants help the Captain leave]

[Ross and Angus enter]

Duncan: Who are you?

Malcolm: Oh, this is one of my besties, the Thane of Ross

Lennox: Look his eyes! They look crazy! Like he’s got a story to tell!

Ross: god save the thing with a shiny hat

Duncan: where have you come from, my heroic dude

[Angus joins Donalbain standing awkwardly in the corner]

Ross: oh, the battle behind me. The king of Norway was in support of the Thane of Cawdor’s armies. And then Macbeth, who was looking like Bellona’s husband, which he’s not, slew them all. In conclusion we won.

Duncan: [jumps up and down in happiness and claps his hands]

Ross: then we made him give us 10 thousand big ones

Duncan: Go kill the Thane of Cawdor with a blunt axe and tell Macbeth that he’s now Thane of Cawdor

Ross: Ok… wait, why a blunt axe?

Duncan: It hurts more

Ross: Ohhhhhhh

Duncan: Macbeth has won big time

Author's Note

not yet finished. will continue to update