Her Eyes Spoke The Words

I wrote this poem a few years ago but I was never sure if it sounded quite right. It possibly needs tweaking..let me know what you think.

Her eyes spoke the words that her lips never said
As she lay there in silence curled up on the bed,
A solitary teardrop meandering her face
That fell from flushed cheeks onto bed sheets of lace.

With a vacant expression and hollowed out stare
Concealing the heartbreak and utter despair,
She clung to the pillow, so tight to her chest,
Upon which the head of her true love would rest.

The rose of her heart had succumbed to decay,
Faded, diminished, and withered away,
Blackened by misery, hardened through grief,
And drained of all passion by death's cunning thief.

Her once perfect world like those empires of old
Now crumbled to ruin, so desolate and cold,
No longer would love warm her soul like the sun
For the harshest of winters had now just begun.

In the recess of memory, precious and pure,
Her lover's last kiss would forever endure,
A comfort in sorrow and constant lament
Till the days of her own life are thoroughly spent.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

This is very well written with a strong logical flowing storyline and perfect rhyme & rhythm. The first two stanzas are particularly mesmerizing becuz the point of view is up close & personal. Vivid details paint a stronger picture here, perhaps, than in the first two lines of the fourth stanza, which deliver less power becuz they are a little more generalized. The only thing you could do to intensify this poem would be to change these two lines (or any other place where this might be the case) to something more specific to this scene & adding to the vivid depiction of your story. Metaphor is good, but not to the point where it begins to hide the details of a well-painted specific scene. But really, it’s completely fine the way it is. I’m only saying this becuz you asked (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Adam Latham]

Thank you so much, Margie, for your excellent review! I really needed an outside opinion because I knew it wasn't quite right. The first two stanzas are fine (like you said)...but the rest needs tweaking. In fact, I think the entire third stanza needs deleting altogether.

[Laurierose]

Very remarkable writing. This captured a specific vividly and colorfully. The format seems cohesive and structure strong enough for the message. It seems as if the women in piece was in a dark place. "Lament" is such a strong word and emotion to experience. It's not just grief, it's grief so passionate it's soul shattering. Perhaps the young woman grew tired of "concealing such heartbreak." During such trying times, it's these times where we need to let those walls down and purge such sorrow for the health. Though this may be the harshest winter to overcome, it is still a season; it will pass. From then, no longer will she be damned to hold anything in. She'll exhale. Wonderfully written. Great read.

[danielle.]

I watched this happen to a very close friend, and it was utterly heartbreaking. You have arranged the words beautifully though, which is one of the things I love most about poetry.