This is flash fiction based from the lyrics of a song written by my friend Ryan
The lawyers have fucked me again.
I can't keep shelling out all this money. I just want a pint and a joint at the end of the day. When did that become so hard?
I'm sick of waking up on my mum's sofa, unable to afford a scratchcard, never mind a six-pack of Carling. I feel like I'm the only one who still lives like this.
Why can't I just settle down, find a girl that loves me, have somewhere to kick my shoes off that isn't at the door of where I have lived since I was 10 and have a career, rather than just a job?
I miss the days where I came home with grass stains on my jeans and the smell of campfire smoke in my hair' instead of scraping together every penny from a mediocre job to afford a s****y one-bedroom flat in the dankest, darkest scheme in the west of Scotland.
I wish I could still phone up people on a Tuesday for a joint.
This sounds very authentic although I'm far from that stage of life myself! I still dream about some of the great times I've had in the past that seems to be slipping from my fingers now. Life is a mystery! There are lots of spaces in this tale which might make an interesting story. My daughter works in Glasgow and does all sorts of volunteering type work - not much money but shes not materialistic and life is very fulfilling. Not for everyone though!
Cheers, Alan
You might enjoy my story called 'Old firm' - a funny take on guess what!
I think you need a little more context here. Why mentions lawyers when the reader has no idea how they have an impact?
Are you waking up on your mom's sofa or are you in a s****y one-bedroom flat? In such a short piece I am looking for flawless consistency.
I find I have zero sympathy for the POV character given they spend their money on lottery tickets, booze, and drugs. If you add a describable dream of theirs (whether it is traveling the world, owning a home, etc.) with detail, it'd make a good break from the depressing tone. However, if you want it to be depressing and do not care about evoking empathy, you've hit the nail on the head!
Posted 7 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
7 Years Ago
Thanks for your feedback. My plan for the piece is to just tell the story of so many people in the p.. read moreThanks for your feedback. My plan for the piece is to just tell the story of so many people in the poverty stricken west of Scotland. However, most don't help themselves. It was more a dramatic observation.
But you are right about the lawyers. Thank you for your advice
7 Years Ago
I'm not from Scotland and I have only been there once for two weeks when I was 12 (beautiful place, .. read moreI'm not from Scotland and I have only been there once for two weeks when I was 12 (beautiful place, absolutely loved the castles, landscape and even the rain!). So this should work well as a targeted piece but not as well to the masses! Cheers
I have heard this exact rant from people in my own life- so on-point, real. Great style, believable, authentic conversational lines. Nuances subtle but present -Bad life choices, bad life outcomes...well-written!
This is my first review so am not sure how the ratings work but I have read a few pieces on the website and this is the first one I really like. I just love the realism.
I liked the realistic feel of the words. Simple needs become important when we can't have them. Logical ending to the entertaining story. Thank you Gwen for sharing the excellent tale.
Coyote
This sounds very authentic although I'm far from that stage of life myself! I still dream about some of the great times I've had in the past that seems to be slipping from my fingers now. Life is a mystery! There are lots of spaces in this tale which might make an interesting story. My daughter works in Glasgow and does all sorts of volunteering type work - not much money but shes not materialistic and life is very fulfilling. Not for everyone though!
Cheers, Alan
You might enjoy my story called 'Old firm' - a funny take on guess what!