The Bar: Part Four - Josh

This is the fourth of a four-part short story about the lives and loves of four people. Each part is written from each person's point of view. This is Josh.

I sit at the bar, not my first choice of seat, but I suppose I will sit and talk to Ruby until the rest of my boys get here.

Great place to watch the football.

They play almost all the games that are worth watching in here, and, of course, the couple free pints don’t go down too badly either.

Love it that the missus works behind a bar. Her tips come in pretty handy too when we are stuck during the week.

There is Tommy Boy coming in from the back, that means the Stella is fresh. Excellent.

I give him a wave.

He smiles back.

He’s a nice big guy.

He goes back down to his girlfriend at the other end of the bar.

I don’t even have to tell Ruby I want a Stella, and here it is.

“Thank you, m’lady.” I lift my glass to her.

She laughs that sweet, little laugh that she does.

She props her elbows down on the bar in front of me and watches me take the first swig of my pint.

Ahhh, love Stella.

Ruby always says that if she gave me a glass of ice cold piss and told me it was beer I would drink it. I laugh to myself, because she is probably right… as usual.

Nothing beats a pint at the end of a five-a-side match.

I played with the idea of taking the car, but I knew Ruby was working, and if I can make it to the end of her shift, that’s a guaranteed taxi home.

What a great way to finish the day! Football, pints with the lads, lift home and then, if I play my cards right, maybe some head before I pass out. Class!

All the guys rip the piss out me when it comes to Ruby. Not in the way she looks or acts, they all agree there ain’t nothing wrong in that department. But in the way that neither of us have been with anyone else, or even thought about anyone else.

I always laugh it off.

Why the f**k would I want to fanny about with anyone else? Ruby is all I want, she’s more than enough for me. Plus, we’re good in bed together, we hardly ever fight, we know all there is to know about each other, absolutely no secrets and a free pint here and there as a perk. Why would I want to mess that up. I’ll probably never do any better, even if I tried. Besides, I don’t get all that much attention from girls as much as my friends. But that’s never bothered me. I’m happy with my lot.

Couple more years working at the site bricklaying and I’ll slap a ring on her and we’ll pop out a few kids.

Preferably all boys, but I suppose I could see room for a little princess.

I’m ready for that, and so is Ruby. We’ve been together for so long, it would be weird, too weird, to be planning anything else.

I look around the bar.

For Arsenal playing, it’s pretty quiet.

Is that… oh f**k! S**t! Defence! DEFENCE! Come on to f**k, you Gunners! The goals are practically wide open! For f**k’s sake! My accumulator will be totalled if this goes in.

I kind of hear Ruby ask if I want another pint.

Can she not see this is important? I’ve got a bet riding on this! She should know I want to see it and just pour me another anyway.

I vaguely gesture at her.

I see her out the corner of my eye leave to get me a drink.

Oh thank f**k, Cech saved it. Class. Coupon is still on.

I settle back down onto my bar stool. That was a close one.

My attention is pulled to Tommy’s girlfriend, Leah. Tommy smiles at her before going into the staff’s office.

Christ, she tanked that glass of pink wine fast and hard. Her eyes flash towards me.

She totters off her own bar stool and she starts to walk in my direction in the tallest shoes I’ve ever seen.

She’s got a good pair of legs on her. On yourself, Tommy.

She sits down on the vacant bar stool next to me, whilst telling Ruby to bring over another glass of wine and two Jagermeisters as well as ‘hurrying up’ with my pint when she is back from getting change out of the office.

What the f**k?

I don’t even know her.

She turns back to me and smiles.

She has some lipstick on her teeth. Do I tell her? What’s the polite thing to do here?

I wish you knew, Leah.

Author's Note

Ignore the spelling and grammar. This is my first time posting my writing anywhere. I just want to get better and see what you all think. Hope you enjoy parts 1, 2 and 3. Thanks for reading

Reviews

[Chopstix]

********* Major Spoiler Alert ********* Major Spoiler Alert *********

The final section breaks the pattern. Although Josh is a lout, he is also an anchor. His contentment with Ruby deters Ruby from acting on her new found desire for Tom and so puts an end to an anticipated relationship swap. Good. In a just world, any relationship shuffle would leave Leah unpartnered.

Small world syndrome is another writer’s foible, but happens in most every story. Writer’s create fictional worlds, but most of it resembles the real world. Expecting them to populate it with millions of characters would be unreasonable, so it makes sense that the few characters we create are interconnected. In this story the first three characters are intimately connected, but Josh stands out. I was intrigued when Leah approached Josh. Imagine if, instead of “I don’t even know her.” you wrote:

I had a go at her the other night. Ruby was at some party, and me and the lads were at some other pub and the Celtic/Rangers match just finished. She sauntered over sloshed out of mind. Blonde and well built, the lads each copped a feel or two and passed her around. Somehow, she ended up in my lap at closing time. Took her home and dumped her in bed. Had to change the sheets lest Ruby comes home and smells our funk. Lucky in so many ways. First Ruby stays out late; second, this bird’s memory is s**t, she kept calling me Charles. Now, she can’t remember ever being with me.

Instead, you took a less traveled path, good. Small world syndrome avoided. Josh is not just another link in the chain, he anchors the chain. Too bad he’s not a more likeable character.

Because Josh is content, the stories last line, “I wish you knew, Leah” reads wrong. Is Josh really that concerned about lipstick smears on teeth. Similar lines linked prior sections. In this final section, I think it is better left out. The chain ends here. Since the chain is a meta situation, I don’t think many readers will accept this as the story’s end. Many conflicts remain unresolved. Ruby could still go either way between Josh and Tom, and relationships will break and reform. Should relationships reshuffle, I’d like to see Leah left out (I prefer a sense of moralistic justice in stories).

Whether you expand this story to resolve all the conflicts or not, merge the text. Many readers suggest that breaking large pieces into several, separate chapters is better. I experimented with this when I was at Writing.com. Conclusion: Despite some protestations, readers are more likely to read long pieces than to click through segmented pieces. Juror 8197, the piece you reviewed, typically received three hits as people rejoined the story. I wrote another novella and made it a book of 25 chapters. Chapter 1 had hundreds of hits, but chapter 25 barely had 20. So, keep segments internal and the piece long.

I enjoyed reading your story and I hope you work to finalize it. Watch your formatting. Actually, I’d like to read an expanded story where Ruby’s conflict gets resolved one way or another.

Keep writing and thanx again for reading and reviewing Juror 8197.

[GwenLark]

Thanks so much for taking the time to read all the pieces and all the sound advice you gave. I will definitely take it all in