Chapter 1

Black. That is what I felt like just then. I felt dead, like a zombie. My eyes were puffy and wet, the rain didn’t help. I creid endlessly as they lowered the coffin into the grave. A butterfly  went to sit on my pale hand…

Butterflies. There’s something about butterflies. They calm me, they make me feel…secure. They make me feel  at home. I don’t know. Maybe it’s a visual attatchment related to a memory that lingres in my sub-consious. A memory of some other place that I used to visit or maybe where I used to live. I could go on forever, but I won’t. It’s starting to rain. I got up . The butterfly flew away. My insecurities came flooding back like a tsunami hitting me in the back of my head, forcing my head forward into my hand. Suddenly the phone rang inside my apartment.

“yes…..mum? What’s wrong? What happ--”there was a long pause and then I hung up.

I dropped a flower on his coffin, which was already at the bottom of the pit. I was hopeful as I looked down at the wooden case, hoping… to hear him scream, hit the coffin and hoping to see us shamefully open the coffin  in haste to see his beauiful alive face again. Hope, however, never was on my side.

The phone hit the ground, hanging by the cord. I fell to my knees, trying to make sense of what I just heard. It was so…sudden… My thoughts were blank, empty.

The rain just kept pouring and I just kept on crying.

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I got off the train. Knysna. 8.30 am. The sweet essence of rainforest danced in the crisp winter air. Home, at last, I thought. I took a step forward, and an explosive force hit me to the pavement.

“what the--!” The train had exploded. I tried to keep my eyes open, but…but…my vision was blurring and then I fainted.

I woke up. “what was---“ A butterlfy had sat on my nose and flew away as I sat up. I swore that there was an explosion, but all the evidence of one was…gone!. The train door  that fell a few feet in front of me wasn’t there anymore. I looked around, the train was already a few miles away, and there was no physical damage visible.

“what just happened?” I got excited, but confused at the same time. I stood up, but flinched as my head was in total dizzying pain. I looked around me, startled by the sudden disapearance of a memory made minutes ago. “why--meh, too tired to think” I muffled ,so I left it at that. I was too tired and depressed to think of anything. My brother’s funeral was just the other day and I didn’t feel…alive anymore. It was like some part of me just tore away. I may not have been very close to him, but he was my brother and I knew him well enough to miss his presence in this world.

His house was covered in vines, it was climbing all over  like a protective layer. I reached for the door knob, suddenly the vines pulled away as if they gave me permission to open the door. It was creepy, in a magical way,it was also starteling. You don’t see plants move on their own everyday.

I decided to ignore this peculiarity and turned the knob. I pushed swung the door open, gently. It poked my head inside. It looked like nobody has been here in years.  There were cobwebs over the furniture and against the walls. It was a small and cozy cottage hidden between forest.

The lawyer was supposed to meet me here hours ago. I guess I came too late. I walked slowly across the living room over the dusty carpet floor and turned the knob of his bed room. It was silent. My eyes gazed over his unmade single bed, his bookcase had five or six books on. A bible, a book on astrology and some encyclopedia. Nothing had changed since 3 years ago.

I looked over at his bedside table. He had a photo frame there. I walked over and sat on his bed. I took the photo frame. It…it’s us. A tear escaped my right eye. I couldn’t contain it.

Suddenly, my phone’s ring almost gave me a heart attack in this deadly silence.

“yes?” I answered. It was the lawyer.

“yeah, sorry about that, there was a bit of a delay at the station”

I think I’ll last here for a night.

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I couldn’t hold it back as I layed on the bed that still carried his scent. The smell of men’s deoderant mixed up with the sweet scent of a kind of flower. I could almost not breathe. Snot and tears were continuously covering my face. I felt numb.

“why, Luca? Why did you have to"“

I dosed off quite quickly.

I was hanging from a cliff and just as Luca was going to take my hand I slipped and fell. He became more and more distant. Suddenly I awoke.

It’s just a dream.

Suddenly I felt a warm pressure on my shoulder, somebody’s hand. I turned and….and, it was…

I didn’t understand quite what was happening here. How is this possible?

“Evelyn” my brother stood next to me.