The Storm

Old fashion ghost story. My very first writing attempt

Hurricanes are a part of life on the gulf coast. If you have lived anywhere along that stretch for any length of time you kinda learn to take them as they come. Oh every once in awhile a big one comes along and it seems like the apocalypse come at last for a week or two ,but things generally get back to normal quickly enough even after those monsters.
To Kate ,though most would disagree ,the time before the storms were exciting. Everyone rushing around getting windows boarded and stockpiing supplies. The time after was ,without fail, miserable. No power or water ,and worst of all to most no air conditioning. But this time in the worst part of the wind and rain Kate was terrified ,something about being trapped in a house with the windows closed up tight,not being able to see outside The candlelight casting strange shadows everywhere ,and the noise of the wind howling ,the rain banging on the roof ,not in the gentle rhythmic normal way but sounding more like a crazed beast trying desperately to get in.
"get a grip girl , it's only a Cat two,you have been through plenty "she told herself firmly as she tried to control the sneaking feeling in her gut that this time was different. Kate supposed it was different ,this was the first storm she was riding out alone. Before mama and daddy were here."Stop It" she told herself as the thought of the boat accident that took her parents came flooding back. She turned on the radio hopeful that maybe just maybe there would be music but no such luck constant storm coverage."oh well" she thought maybe if I sleep it will be over when I wake up". So she made sure all the candles were out and with the flashlight within reach Kate lay down on the couch and tried to fall asleep. The noise seemed even louder when her eyes were closed and somewhere within the sound of the wind and the rain Kate could hear something else, a small thud thud thud repeating over and over. She sat up and strained to listen better. "great most likely debris banging against the house " she really needed to go and check it out in case it was causing more damage to the house ,the wind was reasonable so she moved to pull on her rain slicker and with a death grip on her trusty flashlight she pushed open the door and stepped outside.Kate struggled to stay on her feet against the on slot of the gale as she looked around franticly for the source of the thud.
Just as Kate was about to give up. She literally could not see her hand in front of her face when she saw a light in the distance."that's weird" Kate thought what could it be,all the electric in the county was surely out by now. The light however seemed to be moving ,coming closer."What the f**k" Kate said out loud to the wind."who in the hell would be out driving in this mess?" but it was certainly coming closer,straight towards her. Kate realized that moment that it was indeed coming at her and whats more it was speeding up. Terror seized her heart and squeezed it. Her brain desperately trying to get her hand to turn the knob on the door and get the hell inside but her body refused to cooperate and still the light came closer .now she could see that it was a boat! Her heart stopped with what came next, "Kathrine Marie Madison" her mothers voice boomed above all the noise of the storm.Kate's body went completely numb and she began to shake,"this isn't real" she repeated to herself over and over again ,and still the boat ,her parents boat kept coming. As the light came just feet from her the smell hit . Decay and rot ,so strong Kate gagged with every breath . The fight or flight instinct must have kicked in right as the boat was nearly on top of her and she could clearly see what was left of her parents standing on the deck because she found herself plowing through the door and slamming it behind her. She turned to stare at the door ,wishing the thing on the other side away. Kate had only time for a single scream  "mama!" as the door exploded in front of her and felt the blinding pain as the bow crashed into her body.
 " What a shame" the rescue worker said to the Sherrie as they looked down at the mess that had been Kate Madison."yea poor girl,she and her folks were in a boat that sank almost a year ago. Kate made it to shore her parents weren't so lucky. We never found the bodies and the insurance company was waiting out the year to pay up. Damnedest thing , this young lady would have been very wealthy next month because of a boat and instead she's dead cause of a boat. Go figure.


Sent from my iPad

Author's Note

Ignore grammar and spelling please. This is my first writing attempt so I would love some reviews.criticism welcome.

Reviews

[Pauline Ramsey]

For your first attempt at a short story, this isn't half bad. There are inconsistencies, of course. For instance, if she's using candle light to see, why would she attempt to turn on the radio? UNLESS, the radio runs on batteries? If so, it would help to illustrate the subtle points in your story so that it makes it all the more believable for your readers.

I'd like to add that this story can only benefit from some fleshing out when it comes to your plot. Like, how did her parents actually die? We know that it's a boating accident, but how was it caused? Was it a manufactorer's issue? Or could it be that they capsized because of a similar storm? Or was some young college boy showing off for his friends the reason for the trouble?

If it was the manufactorer twist, that could explain the upcoming settlement agreement, but if it's anything OTHER than that, it doesn't make sense to have that little paragraph.

Also, describing her emotions during this sequence would help paint the picture of fear all the more clearly. How does her body react to the environmental stress?

Plus, something that wasn't made completely clear...if it wasn't that bad outside to begin with, how does the boat come floating far enough into shore in order to crash through her house? I understand that it's a "Ghost" boat, but wouldn't she have to be trying to walk through a bunch of water to scope out the noise? Does she live near the shoreline where flooding is a major concern? Descriptions of her home and location would be a key element to improving this story.

Ok, that's all I have for now. As I said, for your first story it was good. With some work and fleshing out, aside from grammar and spelling mistakes, this piece could be a very good one.

[Philip]

Hmm, I will be easy for your first time. This story line does have a lot of hopes but, closer to the ending i found myself a bit juggled around.
She crashed into the boat but how so to make a mess? Was it a splatter fest or just blood spill? Who was driving the boat?
I also found this story went by a little fast for my liking even though a short story it felt it was just hurried along. With that said i would suggest nicely to try to dig deep into your feelings of how you would feel when/if this has happened to you from all sides around while this maybe hard but try watching a few scenarios of movies of storms and accidents like this to portray a deeper emotion into your writings. As a horror artist I tend to watch a lot of horror movies of every thing I can find. Let it be cheesy tongue and cheek horror or the next Exorcist...just about anything that may create a spark and always analyze the movie of how the person may react in real life or the movie script.
That is if you are serious about writing, observe everyday life :)
Me being a horror artist I dwell in a lot of horror, suspense, death, fear, murder, 'ism, the raw fear that dwells in the hearts' of humankind.
Alas I make so many typos and grammar mistakes it is not funny at all :( That is something we all go through and push along past some day... thank goodness for those auto correctors now!

Side note: Try using Microsoft office it will help with a lot of your errors and some other things as well :)

PS: My mind floated off so I started typing other things...well you get the idea. keep trying and dig deep into the mental state of your mind to bring out your biggest, raw emotion. ^^