11th July
Standing near window, with a cup of tea, looking at children playing on beach, I often think about life as a whole. What it gives us and what it takes from us, what we are left with, I always concluded that whatever we thought important in life is actually not important and what we take for granted, turns out to be special. "Ting Tong"! Door bell rang. First bell of the day means milkman. Mrs. Joy opened the door and got milk. This bell is the first reminder which reminds me of my son, John. He was very health conscious and thus liked milk very much. I had to purchase more than two packets, but now I don't feel need of even one. My morning starts with tears, pain and puzzled mind. My family is not with me, and yet always with me. Living without them is like long term prison, which will end with death.
I often think who is responsible for my situation, Society, system, Michael, John, my husband or I. But I never get an answer. Actually you are unanswerable when you lose someone. Mr. Joy and son John were sunshine of my life. Life was so beautiful with them, I didn't realize at that time, but now looking back it appears like dreamland. John was very ambitious, wanted to be something in life. And his route to the target was of singing. He wanted to be a singer. We never compromised with his dreams. He was good at singing. There was a kind of ring in his voice. I still remember the first time he sang in a family group, there were tears in my eyes. His basic education of singing was complete, now he was looking for practical training. So along with music classes he started singing in functions, marriages and parties, we didn't mind because, you have to toil hard in dark, to make your life full of lights. Money which he got in return was not much, but it didn't matter as money was not his aim. Sometimes after singing, John and his friends went to have fun. Most of his friends used to have wine or other hard drinks, but John was against it. He never drank. I was proud of him for that. He also used to guide his friends against it, but drunkards have their own philosophy. Many a times John used to discuss about his friends drinking habits and I wondered that how this wine sellers, sold bottles to such young boys without having any concern for their age or health. But as John didn't drink it was not my matter of concern. Well, Michael one of John's friends hated him for his lectures on drinking. So once John was at a party to sing. Before singing Michael as a prank added some wine in John's drink. John drank it and failed to realize the difference. Luckily he sang successfully in party. That party became his great success and he started receiving calls from many singing companies. Michael was shocked to see this and he told truth to John. Hearing this, John got very angry and broke all communications with Michael. John had one more show in same week, which was a failure. Michael was also there. He tried to talk to John, but John avoided him, this made Michael angry and he commented that the drink in last show made it a great success. John avoided him and moved on. After this, two shows of John were a failure, this shook his confidence. Now Michael's words started ringing in his ears. He didn't discuss this matter with me. For his next show, he prepared not with singing notes but with a glass of wine. The show was not a success, but effect of wine on John's mind was. My son was very close to me, but I failed to see the change. My 19 years boy was daily purchasing a wine bottle and I couldn't see this. Now when I remember those days, I abuse myself and those wine sellers and pray that all their children get affected with this poison, so that they can realize pain of losing love ones. Once we went to a marriage, John was also with us. Dances were going on and suddenly John came and started dancing, firstly we were laughing thinking it as fun, but later on he started vomiting. We ran to hold him and were shocked to see that our son John was heavily drunk. Though situation was embarrassing but more than that a fear and deep pain rose in our heart. However we managed to get him home. We were not able to sleep whole night. Next day, John wake up and came to us. Mr. Joy asked him everything. From the situation we understood that John has become a hard drunkard. So without losing time we sent him to rehab. For a month we had to stay without him. I never went to rehab as it was tough to see him in that condition. Whenever Mr. Joy went to meet him there were tears in his eyes. It was like a child going to school for first time. House was quite without him, as if all lights are switched off. Finally the happiest day of our life came, 11the July, John's birthday. I prepared sweets, his favorite breakfast and were ready to move to rehab, to make his day special. It was almost a month I hadn't seen my life. Everything was done, but phone rang. Mr. Joy picked it up, the man on other side said, Is this Mr. Joy?" Sir, your son John has committed suicide". "What"! Said Mr. Joy. The voice again said, Sir, your son John committed suicide." Mr. Joy turned towards me and said surprisingly, "Dear they are saying our son John is no more. Everything stopped. My mind was blank. I didn't know what to believe, what to say, how to respond, to cry, to shout. But after a moment I sat back and started weeping. Mr. Joy had no tears in his eyes. He didn't cry but was still. After an hour I asked him to move to rehab, but he didn't respond. I shooked him for half an hour but there was no response. I realized that he has left me. He had a heart attack. Mr. Joy was no more. I last saw John and my happiness alive at party, now I can never see him and can never be happy. Mr. Joy also left me. Today is 11th July, an year has passed. Sitting lonely at window I often think that wine glass offered by Michael left me with two dead bodies. Now I am waiting for death to embrace me, because life has become very tough, very heavy for an old lady like me. As loneliness is the biggest poverty and I am a poor old lady.
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