The Crimson Warrior Pt. 1

Ishio of the Seino clan looked like a demon atop his black mare. Antlers twisted upwards from his helmet to form a crescent and his armor was bloody crimson. A heavy lance occupied his free hand and its jagged blade jutted from its shaft like a monstrous fang.  His eyes were squinting with concentration panning from left to right and back again as he searched the thick pine forest for movement while fat droplets of rain plinked off his helm. The path was littered with underbrush and dead evergreen needles and was only wide enough for his horse to travel comfortably at a trot. A budding white azalea bush caught Ishio’s eye. He could not help but admire this lone thing of color and beauty in a sea of muddy monotony. A single white blossom near the bottom swayed in the evening breeze and just below it…

“Whoa, Kazeko”

He tugged on the reins and his horse snorted as she stopped. A fern frond half covered a single footprint and he had barely noticed it. Boots splashed clumsily to the ground as he dismounted and knelt over the track to study his quarry. The track left a deep impression in the mud and a small puddle in the shape of a human foot. This was the most he had found all day, but the information it held was substantial. There were a few stones large enough to stand on that zigzagged halfway across the path. Ishio got to his feet, walked to the opposite side of the path, and leaned his lance on a tree.

“Our friend realized he needed to cross the trail, so he found the best place to do it. Don’t you think?” He said to Kazeko as he hopped from one stone to the next. She batted her tail in ignorance. “When he got to this point he needed to leap across, or turn back and find another way around. If I were being as careful as our friend here was, I would turn back. That’s too far to safely jump. Unless...” He looked down the long forest path, and back at Kazeko. “Unless he saw me coming! He then hopped to the other side, but it was too far and he slipped and planted his foot here.” He copied the leap and landed his boot next to the footprint. “He didn’t have enough time to cover the track fully, so he moved the fern leaf over it and darted into the thicket. What a clever little rabbit, this isn’t your first romp through my forest.” He chuckled “I’ll call you Usagi” For as long as he could remember, he was giving nicknames to his adversaries. Even the ones whose names he knew. It made it easier for him to profile his opponents - to get into their skin, see what they saw, and know what they knew. “He’s trying to get to the mountain pass, which would be the only reason he would need to cross here, eh Kazeko?”  She replied with a snort and sniffed the ground. The forest symphony of the cicada’s shrill buzzing was dying down to a few isolated chirps. Their song was slowly being replaced by crickets and other musicians of the twilight.

A pair of eyes watched from the trees while Ishio talked to his horse. Usagi was as still as the trees that surrounded him as he hid behind a shrub. Sweat beaded on his forehead, the muscles in his jaw stood out as he gritted his teeth, and his eyes were wide with panic. He nervously fiddled with something in a satchel near his hip while Ishio reenacted his hop across the trail. When he turned around to mount his horse, Usagi sat down, closed his eyes, and threw his head back in relief while his chest rose and fell with a long shaky sigh. There were very few times in his life when his fate rested in the hands of another man’s perception and cunning, but this was one of those times. The feeling picked at Usagi’s stomach like a vulture picks at carrion. There was a constant haunting thought that he would look over his shoulder and behind him would be that man with the crimson armor and the lance whose blade undulated like a snake in the sand. It would surface every time he snapped a twig or scared a bird out of a tree on accident. The hunter’s margin for error was large and defeat would cost him his honor. Usagi’s margin for error was small and defeat would cost him his life. Unconsciously, his hand slipped back into the satchel at his hip and he felt the scroll inside. It was a heavy burden to carry such a small object; he would not be able to make it to the mountain pass before the crimson man. The rain began to fall harder as he turned to resume his run, but his legs were still shaking from the narrow escape. He was tired and hungry and had been running all day while the crimson man sat on his black horse and let it do all the work. If it came to a confrontation, he would almost certainly lose. The rain pelted Usagi's face and instead of running he walked, he didn't need to hurry anymore, he needed a plan. And a plan is what he made.

Author's Note

This is only the first part of the chapter so bear that in mind when reviewing. Please be harsh and honest with your reviews. Steel isn't forged in a cool spring breeze but in the firey belly of an oven.

Reviews

[Meat of Dog]

This line: "Ishio of the Seino clan looked like a demon atop his black mare." Is a great descriptive sentence in general, let alone for an opening line. I really liked it a lot. The rest of your description is very deep and engaging. I got a fantastic mental image of this character and his surroundings. I've had this book floating around in my list for a while and I'm glad I decided to dive into it! Also, I like the way that he talks to his horse. There is a feel of one way conversation (as there would naturally be between a person and animal) but it develops a sense of character development for the mare and his attachment to her as more than a vehicle.

The concept of naming his opponents was also unique and interesting. I haven't read of a character doing that before so it's very new and original for me (as well as realistic. Naming creates attachment to something, and would naturally make getting into their head or focusing on them easier). You have a fantastic start here, I'm really excited to delve into chapter two for more information and insight. Keep it going!

other suggestions:
-"Antlers twisted upwards from his helmet to form a crescent and his armor was bloody crimson." This sentence flowed strangely, I think there's a typo in there somewhere. 'To from a'

[Cricket Kidd]

I suggest you change one sentence in the third paragraph. right now it says
"This was the most he had found all day, but the information it held was substantial."
I think you should change the "But" to "And".
This was the most he had found all day, AND the information it held was substantial.
it makes more sense to me.
this is really good for a first chapter. I'm hooked! Keep writing!

[Alexmoonglow]

Hi Michael, Very nicely written. Descriptive and pulls the reader into the story and the place very quickly. It started to pull together at the end of the first paragraph which is a real achievement for a writer. I wanted to read more - a good thing. This piece is really very good. Be encouraged so far and keep going.