Trip

My experience

Kissing Lucy on a rainy day 

Vibrations narrow my vision

On the dancing Rabbit 

I followed deeper

As she showed me things

I never would have imagined  

I'm standing alone now 

On the shores of 

The celestial ocean 

Booming thunder shakes me

As the many Faces of Infinity 

Open their eyes 

The Divine Light 

Beaming from each of their 

Three wondering eyes

They reveal the 

Murky Shadow 

Draped in repentance 

I kneel before the Bog

Of my own creation 

I plunge myself deep 

Within the Shadow 

Hoping to purge 

All that's within 

Plummeting deeper 

I flailed 

As the bottom got closer   

There the rampant Beast 

Is waiting 

To devour the weak and fragile 

Standing on crumbling ground 

I must find the courage 

To overcome this

Temperamental Mountain

And tame the Beast that 

Roams this realm

As I stumble up the path 

I chose

Fumbling in the dark

The Beast is there

Reminding me of my sins

As it hisses in my ear

On the brink of despair 

The Shimmering Rabbit 

Is there 

Showing me

The way 

To my Ascension 

As I get to closer to hope 

The Beast 

Wails and screams 

Closer to release the Pneuma 

Caged within the 

Mountain top

To achieve Godly Hood 

To tame The Beast 

And become all that I've been promised 

At last 

The moment has come

The time is now 

I reach towards the lock

To open to cage

I must let go of it all

But the pain will not allow me

To forget

I pull back

The Soothing Rabbit suddenly appears

Singing a sweet melody

Bursting the cage open

I'm hurled upwards 

Waking me from my slumber 

I find myself naked but warm 

With new meaning 

I'm ready

To take on 

This World  

Reviews

[Jerryyoung1z]

The imagery is really good. Nice piece

[Weeping willow]

Wonderful expression in your words ;-]

[tp340]

Only you can change things

[Robert Trakofler]

hey that must be one of my cousins:) this reminds me of a story poem I wrote last year...
https://www.writerscafe.org/writing/Flaccidbunny/2085521/
this poem also has an epic feel to it I enjoy the unwinding of your feelings set forth in the metaphores

[wordman]

only you can kill the demon lurking inside

[JayG]

"Kissing Lucy on a rainy day
Vibrations narrow my vision
On the dancing Rabbit"

When you read this it makes perfect sense. You place yourself into the situation complete with mood music and the emotion appropriate to it. But pity me. I have not a clue of what a "dancing Rabbit is.

It could be a boat, a starship, or pretty much anything, the Ecovillage of that name, or a live rabbit. And while I've not kissed anyone named Lucy, having not had anything ever narrow my vision, I can't guess why the kissing has to do with this. You know. Lucy probably does, but didn't you write this for the reader? Shouldn't they be brought on board? And since you never mention vision again...

In short: only you have context to make this meaningful. Do I know who's speaking, and why? No How old are they. What's their location, situation and what can make me know them as a person? Of more importance, what is there to make me care?

The problem is that you forget that the reader has no access to your intent. They lack any context, and they have only what the words suggest to them, based on their background and experience.

Look at the next line, "I followed deeper" How can anyone who has done nothing but kiss Lucy and have a problem with their vision caused by kissing vibration "follow deeper" when they've not yet followed anyone anywhere?'

You need to write from your chair, but edit from that of the reader. Place yourself into the chair of someone who knows only what you said, with none of your intent to guide them.