Pt. 1

The poetry coming from my cognitive atrophy is owed to the dissonance of what I believe in and the world I'm living in.

My restless path has taken it's time to
Bring me to a crawl..

The beginning was bright and vibrant
My paved path was wide enough for us both
With your hand in mine
I could achieve anything

As we grew so
Did the roaring applause
With each goal met

The path begins to narrow
As I lead the way
Your voice is muffled
As I run towards the praise

I feel my grip weakening
Yours never changing
My ego keeps me from looking back

The worshipping from others and to others
Has manifested my selfish pride to wings
That cast a shadow over you

Before I take flight to newer heights
I stop briefly to look back
To find I had let go long ago
I feel no remorse cause I know
I achieved this on my own

Soaring higher and higher
With each flap taken I
Forget your face more
With the horizons reflection in my eyes
I lose sight of everything else

Soaring at heights and speeds
I never could have imagine
I didn't notice my once
Bright blue sky
Has turn dark and cold

The surprise of the whipping
Cold wind and rain
Knocks my feathers off one by one
I fall more and more
With each one lost

Struggling to keep flight
I concede to the storm
I lead myself into

As I plummet to
The jagged terrain that
Awaits me at the bottom
I finally try to remember your name

The impact is numbing
The praising voices turn to hissing laughs
As I lay paralyzed and drained

I stare into nothing as
The acid rain blinds my eyes
I try and try...
But no matter how hard I cry
Your face won't come to me

So I lay here with
Fading hope
You'll remember me...

Author's Note

Let me know your thoughts

Reviews

[JayG]

It seems unfocused, in that the parts of the story that matter are still in your head. So as you read, you add in the necessary background and color. When you say:
- - - - -
My restless path has taken it's time to
Bring me to a crawl..
- - - - -
As a reader, what's a restless path? You know, but from my viewpoint, what are we talking about. If I don't have a hint of that, how can the rest be meaningful? How can it emotionally involve me? Remember, we read for entertainment, which is an emotional goal. So learning that someone unknown had unknown things go wrong hardly draws a reader in.

And when you say a crawl, is that being forced to your knees or walking slowly? Again, without context or emotional connection...

And why do you use punctuation here, and not anywhere else but the last stanza?

Without context, and with generalities, what is there for the reader who has only what the words suggest to them, based on THEIR experiences.

Better to give a razor sharp view of an ant at a picnic who embodies the thoughts you wish to express, than a watercolor view of the grove.

[Gregory Lara]

Thank you jay, I appreciate your time to give me points on how to add more depth and meaning in my writings. I'll try to give more colors and resend it to you and see what you think. Thank again friend!

[Coyote Poetry]

I enjoyed this poem. I felt the struggle leading to a dead-end. I liked the honest tone and truth in the words. Thank you Gregory for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[Krizito]

your last three last lines: powerful - I like it, you did quite good with the imagery and the emotions: somehow I felt i could feel it - get in tune with the desperation in the moment.
besides that, I felt a little lost in some areas. cant tell why, but it just didn't flow right with me.
good jo nonetheless - it's a good poem :)

[Zeitgeist Manifesto]

The imagery was powerful. I did enjoy the progression from one scene to the next. I also liked how time seemed to stand still at times and move at other times. I especially liked the "restless path"..."bringing me to a crawl". The wordplay was nice.

[Gaurav]

Overall objective of your work seems to realize oneself with the wrongs done and impact was losing closed one. However, some more concrete evidences and a straight flow will go a long way in making this piece effective. A nice poem overall. Thanks for sharing :)

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

Part one of your quest in life...
well done!

[wordman]

i think it`s the beginning of a great book

[Gregory Lara]

Thank you man!