"Winter Night"

Remembering that cold winter night

We became one, heavy breathing with lingering moans excites us

Hearts pounding in that moment of pure ecstasy

Our eyes meet, yours filled with moonlight captures my heart and soul

Embracing your gentle voice brings a calm

You whisper "Are you mine? Because I am yours"

With no space between words, I reply "yes"

We exchange words that were never to break

I soon find distance matches the time between us

Giving my all to find the fault

Your answers only bring peace for the moment

Meeting under the cover of night

You long for me only when your urge is strong

The look in your eyes have changed

I succumb to the lust

In hope you remember what we were

What we can become

Without word, you're gone from my life

Longing for you

All attempts to reach you are ignored

Yearning for a dream only to find a nightmare in us

What do you do, when you were found but now lost

Time kept moving on as nothing happened

These burning memories burst through the suppressed emotions

The day I saw you again

You were with him

The one you assured he means nothing anymore

Our eyes met one last time

As I smiled, you looked away

In that moment I realized

Our feelings were never the same

For you I was an escape

For me you were home

The pain eases, the closure sets

As I watch you walk away...

  

Reviews

[blue cave]

You've allowed me into a very personal moment and I am honored as a reader. How heart-wrenching to be attached to a past existence and a future that can never be. I think what would really make this pop even more is to give the reader some small details that paint a picture of the dreams that drove your desire for this relationship that never saw the day, or perhaps couldn't survive the light of day. Further, you could experiment with your words to create a more defined shift in attitude of the narrator. For example the overflowing hope in the beginning and the insecurity and despair that unfolds in the latter half, and finally the peace at the end. I see glimmers of this with the heavy descriptive opening stanzas and when you shift to two-line stanzas near the end, very effective. Nice work.

[richieb]

I really like this poem. You covered the spectrum of emotions that run its course during a heated affair. While both may feel the same level of ecstasy when the flames are the hottest, the paths soon differ as satisfactions are met. Your writing handled this delicate subject with maturity and classy descriptions. your poem was well polished and an enjoyment to read. Well done.
Richie.

[dan]

Gregory, Sometimes life deals us a crushing blow: New love arrives, all hot and heavy and blindingly hot...the initial heat subsides, reclining in subsequent comfort. Little holes in the dike appear without fingers to stop them up...then one of the lovers appears with his/her ex...the other suddenly realizes that he/she was merely a place holder, a temporary port in a storm.
This surely happens very often in your or other's life. A very difficult story told with remarkable clarity and emotion. VERY nicely done! take care...dan

[Bear]

Critique: (Our eyes meet, yours filled with moon light captures my heart and soul) moonlight
(I soon find distance matches the time with between us) the time between us

Review: Great topic and presented in such a powerfully emotional way that you don't just read it you experience it. Standing ovation! Five out of five Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!

[barleygirl]

The strength of your story-in-a-poem is the way the described relationship goes back-and-forth, first it's hot, then it's not, then it's lukewarm, then it's gone. These sensations & feelings are well described & we can feel the narrator's fear & loss as he's feeling the love slipping away. I also love the subtle way you describe, in the 4th paragraph, that feeling of someone just turning to you for sex, or for money, or for filling up some empty hours -- sensing this, but still not being able to resist the time together, even tho it's totally dissatisfying. This is a subtle feeling to capture (which you did well) & very recognizable, these feelings, overall.

The first line of the 3rd stanza sounds like it needs a fix.

[AliciaB]

This poem is sad in its content, but well-written. I really like the repetition of the image of eyes throughout, especially the last instance it is used with "Our eyes met one last time / As I smiled, you looked away". I found the second line of that excerpt very interesting, because it shows how, even though the speaker's former lover seems to be doing better than him in terms of dealing with the end of this relationship, it is actually the speaker who experiences closure and healing, and who is ultimately able to smile when all is through. I also like the line "We exchange words that were never to break" - good way to express the theme of love vs lust. It saddens me to think that this happens all the time in real life, but the poem is very good. Nicely done!

[wordman]

lust instead of love,you wrote it beautifully