PLAGUED!A Screenplay by Scott Thompson Two immature billionaires must use public transportation as they attempt to cure themselves of the Ten plagues of Egypt. PLAGUED!
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FADE IN:
EXT. LOADING DOCK - DAY A box marked BALLOONS waits in a pile of office supplies.
A WORKER loads the supplies into a TRUCK.
The truck pulls away from the dock.
It drives down a busy
HIGHWAY
It drives down an
OFF RAMP
It drives up a busy
CITY STREET
Summer. The pedestrians of San Fransisco are dressed accordingly.
HIGH-RISE OFFICE BUILDING A tall glass-faced building gleams in the sun. A sign out front reads, "The Peabody Building."
The truck drives by a MAN in a business suit arguing with a COP.
The MAN throws a parking ticket to the ground.
He screams something.
The cop shrugs.
The man screams again and attacks a parking meter - punching and kicking it!
The cop drags him away from the parking meter.
The truck turns into a
INT. PARKING STRUCTURE
that is attached to the Peabody Building.
It drives by a sign marked "RECEIVING."
The truck beep beep beeps as it backs into a
LOADING BAY
The truck's back door slides up and open.
The box is off loaded.
It is stacked with other office supplies.
The box is wheeled inside to a
STORAGE ROOM
The box is stacked with a bunch of other office supplies.
The room's lights are turned off.
The room's lights turn on.
JUAN, 22, Mexican American, frizzed out hair, dressed in a white shirt and blue tie, loads the box onto a cart.
He checks something off on a list.
JUAN
He leaves with the cart. He pushes the cart out into a broad
LOBBY
The lobby is decorated in a very expensive way. Business people walk determinedly to and fro.
Juan pushes the cart over to an elevator. He presses the up call button repeatedly and impatiently.
DING.
The elevator's doors open. PEOPLE exit.
BARRY, 24, blonde surfer type, wire glasses, expensive business suit, is the last to leave the elevator.
Juan enters the
ELEVATOR
Elevator music.
SUPER: GROUND FLOOR
Juan reaches out to hit the top floor button, and wilts. All of the thrity four floor's buttons are lit.
They look at all of the lit buttons.
They frown at Juan. JUAN
JUAN
TOP FLOOR RECEPTION AREA
DING.
SUPER: THRITY FOURTH FLOOR
SUPER: TOP FLOOR
The elevator's doors open.
Juan leans against a wall of the elevator. He looks bored to death. He sighs.
He pushes the cart out into a
JUAN
Busy - busy - busy.
KATHY
No time. JUAN
JUAN
HALLWAY
And into a large
EXECUTIVE CORNER OFFICE The office looks like a high-powered business professional's space. A breathtaking view of the San Francisco skyline is seen out two walls made entirely of glass. The office door is open. Juan knocks on the door frame.
JUAN
CALVIN, 24, dark hair, angelic face, expensive business suit, looking a lot like Barry (who exited the elivator earlier), sits behind a large desk.
He smiles and walks around the desk to greet Juan.
CALVIN
Juan pushes his cart in. JUAN
Calvin thumps Juan good-naturedly on the back.
CALVIN
Wary / bothered.
JUAN
CALVIN
Juan shrugs and hands the box to Calvin. Juan smiles warily.
JUAN
CALVIN brewed some up fresh?
Wary again - a little too quickly.
JUAN
Calvin looks disappointed. CALVIN
Relieved. JUAN Juan exits. Barry walks into Calvin's office. Now that we see them together - their family resemblance is remarkable.
BARRY
CALVIN getting redundant.
BARRY I'm bored to death, and it's not even.... Barry yawns and looks at his expensive wrist watch.
BARRY
CALVIN
Barry looks at the coffee.
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
Barry looks impressed.
BARRY
Barry puts the coffee down.
CALVIN
Barry holds up the box he’s holding.
BARRY
CALVIN
Barry nods.
BARRY
BARRY
Calvin pats a pocket.
CALVIN
TOP FLOOR RECEPTION AREA
Calvin and barry wait for an elevator.
The elevator's doors open and OFFICE FOLK exit.
Calvin and Barry step into the
ELEVATOR
Elevator music. The doors close. Calvin and Barry are alone.
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
The elevator stops. DING. The doors open.
PEOPLE enter.
A MAN on his way in takes one look at Calvin and pushes his
The elevator fills to capacity.
Calvin pulls out the small tube marked "liquid a*s" from his pocket.
He winks at Barry.
Barry suppresses a laugh.
Calvin pushes a button on the tube. A FART sound erupts.
People groan.
Stink!
Calvin and Barry keep straight faces. Everyone else makes eew faces.
A LADY gags.
Down in the
LOBBY
Juan has a new stack of products on his cart. He waits for an elevator.
The elevator's doors open. PEOPLE exit in a hurry, some coughing and fanning their faces.
In the
Calvin and Barry snicker. BARRY
Calvin nods. In a practiced move, he runs his hands down the buttons quickly. All the floors buttons are now lit. They exit.
He sees the lit floor lights.
JUAN
He sniffs the air.
PEOPLE file in behind Juan. Sniffs and frowns at Juan.
JUAN
EXT. CITY STREET - SAME
BARRY
They walk down some
STAIRS
Barry nods at the GIZMO Calvin is carrying.
BARRY
Calvin holds up the scanner-gun looking thingy.
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
Laugh.
BARRY
CALVIN as an action item.
They reach the
BARRY
Calvin holds the scanner-gun under the blanket so it's hidden.
CALVIN
BARRY
They walk down the street.
Calvin zaps the digital readouts of the parking meters with the scanner-thingy. The time balance on each meter readout drops to zero.
BARRY
CALVIN
HARVEY, 57, scruffy face, dirty clothes, wearing a placard that reads "The End is Near," walks toward them. He carries religious flyers.
Barry notices him approaching....
BARRY
Calvin points to a building across the street.
CALVIN
BARRY
Harvey stops Calvin with a grimy paw.
HARVEY
Calvin winces. CALVIN
Barry snickers as they attempt to walk around Harvey.
Harvey stops them with out stretched arms and grimy paws.
He shoves a GOD FLYER into Calvin's hands.
HARVEY
CALVIN
BARRY
They try to walks around Harvey again but are blocked again.
HARVEY
CALVIN
Barry frowns and pulls Calvin aside.
Shielded from Harvey, Barry holds out a fist (for rock, paper, scissors). Calvin looks down at it, then nods.
1. 2. 3. Shoot.
Calvin holds out scissors. Barry holds out paper.
Barry makes a pained face. Calvin laughs.
BARRY
Harvey eyes Calvin, then Barry. He nods and hands him one.
HARVEY
BARRY
Not reading it, he glances over the flyer quickly.
BARRY I'm going to be a christianite!
Harvey looks sceptical.
HARVEY
Barry puts an arm around Harvey's shoulders. He wrinkles his nose and makes a pained face, but leads Harvey away from Calvin.
BARRY
HARVEY
BARRY
HARVEY
HARVEY
BARRY
Harvey looks like he's buying it a little.
HARVEY
BARRY
HARVEY
Barry gives Harvey a gentle push down the street.
BARRY
Harvey walks down the street.
Barry winks at Calvin. Calvin bursts out laughing.
Harvey turns and looks back.
Calvin curbs his enthusiasm.
Barry holds up the flyer and gives Harvey the thumbs up.
Harvey walks away with a smile on his face.
Barry tosses the flyer into the air where it flutters to the side walk.
BARRY
Calvin laughs openly again.
They walk down the street.
Calvin zaps the meters. Zap. BARRY
Zap.
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
Zap.
CALVIN
BARRY
Zap.
CALVIN
BARRY so I don’t burn in Hell?
Calvin frowns.
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
Calvin winces.
EXT. PARK - DAY
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
Laugh.
CALVIN
Frown.
BARRY
A MIME performs beside the path. None of the pedestrians pay him any attention. A hat lies empty on the ground before him.
Barry frowns at the mime.
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
Barry shakes his head at the mime. They walk on.
CALVIN
Barry pulls a tazer gun out of the box he’s been carrying.
BARRY
CALVIN
Barry thinks.
BARRY
A COUPLE sits down on the bench. They look around to see if they're alone. POV: Up and down the path, they’re secluded. No one is visible.
A long, passionate kiss ensues.
Calvin and Barry whisper.
CALVIN do we know that's evil?
Barry fires the tazer gun at the couple on the bench. Two leads streak out on the ends of wires. They plunge into the male.
BARRY
BARRY
CALVIN
Calvin and Barry run.
The tazer's lead lines pop out of the guy and disappear back among the bushes.
The couple collapses into each other's arms, panting.
INT. VERDON'S RESTAURANT
Two empty bowls that contained soup sit on the edge of their table waiting to be bussed.
Barry and Calvin both eat steak. Barry salts his.
BARRY
Calvin shakes his head.
CALVIN
BARRY
Calvin nods and pulls out the CLEAR VIAL he put in his pocket back in the office.
CALVIN
Barry looks around to see if anyone can see him.
POV: No one is around.
CALVIN
Barry returns with the shakers and places them before Calvin.
BARRY
Shrug.
They both remove the lids from the salt shakers.
CALVIN
Calvin drips a tiny clear drop from the vial into each shaker.
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
A HOSTESS leads a LARGE MAN and LARGE WOMAN in and seats them at a table with Calvin’s tampered salt.
A WAITRESS places soup and rolls before them. They both salt their soup.
CALVIN
The large man and woman spoon soup into their mouths.
Barry shakes his head no.
CALVIN
BARRY
Calvin watches the large lady -- her stomach grumbles loudly! She lets out a small burp.
CALVIN
Barry wipes his mouth with a napkin.
Calvin and Barry stand up and walk by the Hostess as she leads TWO BUSINESS MEN in to be seated.
They all watch as....
The large man’s stomach grumbles loudly! His eyes fly wide! He knocks over his chair in a wild rush for the bathroom!
The lady let’s out a huge burp! She looks surprised by it, then slaps a hand to her mouth to unsuccessfully keep in a fountain of puke!
EXT. PARK - DAY
Electricity crackles. The mime quakes and makes funny noises.
The electrical leads whip away.
The mime falls on his butt.
The crowd applauds. Money is heaped in his hat.
On a....
SIDEWALK Calvin and Barry walk down the sidewalk.
CALVIN
Across the street, Harvey waves to them.
Barry smiles broadly and waves back. He gives Harvey the thumbs up sign.
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
They look at each other and laugh.
CALVIN AND BARRY
INT. MEN'S ROOM - DAY
The sounds of SKIN ON SKIN rubbing and LOW GRUNTS are heard.
Two feet can be seen under a stall door. Dress pants are down a round ankles.
STEVENS, 42, salt and pepper hair, clean shaven, expensive suit, enters the bathroom and listens for a moment. The skin on skin rubbing sound stops.
Silence. STEVENS
Johnson's voice sounds horse.
STEVENS
Lie. JOHNSON
Stevens shakes his head.
STEVENS
Johnson's normal whiny voice returns.
JOHNSON
STEVENS
JOHNSON
STEVENS
JOHNSON
Stevens leaves.
GRUNTS grow in intensity.
The legs under the stall straighten out. Intense shaking.
A strange squeal is heard, then the feet drop to the floor.
Frantic toilet paper wiping sounds are heard.
JOHNSON, 32, Jewish, dark hair, cheap suit, geeky, glasses, flushed face, rushes from the stall carrying a stack of papers.
He exits the bathroom.
INT. CUBICLE AREA - COPY MACHINE - DAY
Johnson pushes buttons on a copier. He holds a covered report in a hand. ANGELA, 27, brunette, buxom, stunning, dressed in a lady's business suit, walks by. Johnson ogles her.
The pages of the report he's holding drop out of the cover and scatter at his feet.
Without looking at what he’s doing, Johnson stands up and straightens the pages, then feeds them into the copier's feeder and hits copy.
Angela turns and looks at Johnson.
Johnson gives her a smile and a head nod.
She throws up a little in her mouth and makes a sour face.
She hurries away with her bottle only half filled.
Johnson watches her go. He sighs.
INT. TOP FLOOR - DAY
SUPER: TOP FLOOR
Juan, still with his cart, waits for an elevator.
The elevator's doors open. Elevator music. It's empty inside.
Juan pushes his cart in.
He reaches to push the lobby button. All of the buttons are lit again.
JUAN
WAITING AREA OUTSIDE ELEVATOR
Juan’s head peaks out. He looks around. He frowns.
ELEVATOR
Juan shrugs. He double presses the Lobby floor button.
JUAN
The doors close.
EXT. THE ROOF - DAY
POV: Looking through the weapon's scope. The sidewalk far below is amplified. Gusts of wind are measured on a digital read out. Cross hairs blink from red to green each time someone walks through the strike zone far below on the sidewalk.
CALVIN
Barry nods. BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY If I remember correctly, one of the commandments is to not kill anyone. Are we going to kill someone?
CALVIN Notta. We'll find a loop hole.
BARRY You think there is one?
CALVIN There are loop holes in everything. Move on.
BARRY Alrighty.
Meanwhile - high up above on the
ROOF TOP
Calvin grins.
POV: In the scope: the cross hairs are green.
Calvin pulls a trigger on the weapon.
POV: A red shaped ball falls away.
Calvin lifts the weapon up and steps back from the wall.
Down on the SIDEWALK
A RED WATER BALLOON bursts over Carla's head.
She flaps her hands to rid herself of excess water.
She shrieks in frustration.
She looks up.
POV: Nothing but buildings, empty rooftops, and clear blue sky.
ROOF TOP
Calvin and Barry walk to another edge of the roof. Calvin carries the weapon. Barry carries a box of water balloons.
CALVIN
CALVIN
Barry and Calvin trade what they're carrying.
BARRY
Barry sets up the weapon at another edge.
CALVIN
Barry places an eye to the view finder.
BARRY
Calvin loads a water balloon into the weapon.
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
Barry pulls the trigger. A balloon falls away.
BARRY
Barry pulls the apparatus over the wall. They walk toward another wall. DISTANT SOUNDS: SPLASH! A male voice from far below rants curse words.
CALVIN
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
INT. CUBICLE AREA - JOHNSON’S CUBICLE - DAY The cubicle looks like an MBA’s brain threw up all over the walls. Charts and graphs are everywhere. Strings are thumbtacked on walls to create links that chart competitive activity. It is genius.
ANDERSON, 37, balding, chunky, moderately expensive business suit, sticks his head into Johnson’s cube. ANDERSON
Johnson stands up and rights his chair.
ANDERSON
Lie.
JOHNSON
Anderson throws a report at Johnson.
ANDERSON
Johnson looks at the report and has to spin it.
He frowns at it.
JOHNSON
ANDERSON
JOHNSON
Johnson pulls the pages out of the binder.
ANDERSON
Anderson walks away. Johnson walks to the Johnson places the stack of paper into the copier and presses some buttons. The copier churns away.
Anderson sneaks up behind Johnson....
ANDERSON
Johnson’s hand slips off the copier and he drops to the floor, slamming his head into the top of the machine as he falls.
JOHNSON
Anderson laughs.
Johnson looks at Angela.
She looks at him. ANGELA
JOHNSON
Johnson turns red, then turns on Anderson.
JOHNSON
Angela looks disgusted.
ANGELA
Angels leaves.
They both watch her go.
JOHNSON
ANDERSON
Johnson looks in the direction Angela went.
JOHNSON
ANDERSON
JOHNSON
Anderson slaps Johnson's report to his chest.
ANDERSON
Anderson walks away.
Johnson frowns after him.
In the back ground, a red balloon flashes by a window.
INT. LOBBY - DAY
Anderson walks up.
ANDERSON
JOHNSON
ANDERSON
JOHNSON
ANDERSON
JOHNSON
ANDERSON
JOHNSON
ANDERSON
JOHNSON
ANDERSON
Johnson nods.
JOHNSON
Anderson gives Johnson a light shove toward the building's front doors.
ANDERSON
JOHNSON
Johnson walks away smiling broadly.
Anderson points at him.
JOHNSON
Anderson yells to the crowd.
ANDERSON
Johnson exits.
A SECURITY GUARD, 28, uniformed, African American, smiles.
SECURITY GUARD
Anderson laughs and shakes his head.
ANDERSON
OUTSIDE
Johnson emerges looking like king of the world.
JOHNSON
He stops and throws his arms wide.
JOHNSON I can be king of the world!
A water balloon bursts over his head.
Johnson wilts.
JOHNSON
EXT. ROOF TOP - DAY
Calvin and Barry walk with the weapon and water balloons. BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
Barry looks like he's been paroled.
BARRY
CALVIN
MONTAGE
Johnson tries on expensive suits. Johnson pays for a suit with a credit card.
Johnson carries a suit wrapped in plastic over his shoulder into a high-class shoe store.
Johnson has a credit card cut up in front of him.
Johnson tries on much less expensive shoes.
Johnson pays cash.
Johnson has his hair and nails done.
Johnson, looking like the bomb, walks away into the night.
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - MORNING
A MAN beats the crap out of a parking meter with a monkey wrench. INT. CUBICLE AREA - DAY
GUYS nod.
LADIES catcall.
PEOPLE applaud.
Johnson does a little dance move, then enters his cubicle.
Anderson runs up -- out of breath....
ANDERSON
JOHNSON'S CUBICLE
Anderson sticks his head in.
ANDERSON
Distracted.
JOHNSON
ANDERSON
ANDERSON
Growing interest.
JOHNSON
ANDERSON
Anderson exits.
Johnson follows him out into the
CUBICLE HALLWAY
JOHNSON What!? What did you hear!? And Calvin leans against a wall outside Johnson's cubicle.
CALVIN
Johnson chokes.
Anderson blinks.
ANDERSON
CALVIN
Calvin struggles to come up with Anderson’s name. He draws a blank and finally finishes with.... CALVIN
Wilted.
ANDERSON
CALVIN
JOHNSON
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
Barry waits by an easel.
CALVIN
Johnson and barry shake hands.
JOHNSON
BARRY Nice to finally put a face to the Wilting. JOHNSON
BARRY
Perking up!
JOHNSON
Calvin motions to the conference table...
CALVIN
Johnson sits at the table, but in a side chair.
Barry pulls Johnson out of the chair and guides him to the head of the table.
BARRY
Johnson sits at the head of the table.
CALVIN
JOHNSON
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
JOHNSON
BARRY
CALVIN
JOHNSON
BARRY
JOHNSON
CALVIN
Barry sounds like a game show host....
He walks over to the easel.
CALVIN
Barry flips pages on the easel.
BARRY
Calvin coughs.
CALVIN
Barry looks at the display. It shows mid numbers.
BARRY
Barry flips another page.
CALVIN
BARRY
Flip.
CALVIN
Flip.
CALVIN
Flip.
BARRY
Big smiles.
Johnson's face is frozen in a smile.
Calvin looks perplexed.
He snaps his fingers in front of Johnson's nose. Nothing.
BARRY
CALVIN
Calvin gets in Johnson’s face.
CALVIN
Johnson's eyes roll up into his head. He faints. His head slams down on the table -- HARD. Bang!
CALVIN
Barry frowns at Johnson.
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
Pensive.
BARRY
CALVIN
Calvin snaps his fingers in Johnson’s face again. Nothing.
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
Barry grimaces.
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
Calvin grabs a trash can and places it by Johnson.
Barry grins.
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
Johnson groans.
CALVIN
Barry kneels by Johnson.
Groggy.
JOHNSON
BARRY
Johnson's eyes roll up white again. Out he goes.
His head smashes against the table again. Blam!
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
Calvin points at Barry.
CALVIN Barry takes one hand, Calvin the other. They pull Johnson from the chair.
Barry looses his grip! Johnson's head slams against the chair, then hits the floor hard!
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
Perplexed.
Calvin drops Johnson's hand.
CALVIN AND BARRY
They both brush their hands off on their pants.
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
Barry flexes.
BARRY
CALVIN
Barry grabs a pen and a sticky from a small side table. He speaks the words he writes.....
BARRY
Barry looks around.
BARRY
Calvin pulls a roll of tape out of a pocket and hands it to Barry.
CALVIN
BARRY
Barry tapes the note to Johnson's forehead.
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
Sighs.
BARRY
Grin.
BARRY
INT. CUBICLE AREA - DAY Johnson walks slowly. He dizzily weaves back and forth. He rubs the back of his head with a hand. He has two black and blue lumps on his forehead.
He looks at Barry's note. He hyperventilates. He holds a paper bag to his mouth. He breathes heavily. He calms down.
Anderson runs up.
Anderson hustles Johnson along.
JOHNSON
ANDERSON
JOHNSON
ANDERSON
Anderson gives him a good shove.
ANDERSON
Anderson quietly chants.
OFFICE FOLK behind him join in.
Johnson looks like he's going to faint again as he stumbles up to Angela.
Angela turns.
The chanting crowd assumes random forms of milling about -- nope -- no one paying any attention here.
ANGELA
JOHNSON
Stunned crowd!
JOHNSON I....I....I....
ANDERSON
ANGELA
ANDERSON
Johnson pushes Anderson away.
JOHNSON
Anderson coughs to mask his words.
ANDERSON
ANGELA
JOHNSON
ANGELA
The crowd cheers.
Johnson smiles at everyone.
JOHNSON
A balloon falls by a window in the background.
ANDERSON
Dizzy.
Anderson laughs.
Stunned!
ANDERSON
JOHNSON
ANDERSON
Johnson knocks and sticks his head in.
JOHNSON
on in. Have a seat.
JOHNSON
BARRY
CALVIN
JOHNSON
CALVIN AND BARRY
CALVIN
JOHNSON choosing me. You guys won't regret it.
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
BARRY
JOHNSON
CALVIN
JOHNSON
CALVIN BARRY
JOHNSON
BARRY
Calvin shows Johnson an image of an elephant.
BARRY
CALVIN
JOHNSON
BARRY
CALVIN
SLAM. SUPER: THOU SHALT NOT MAKE UNTO THEE A GRAVEN IMAGE is slashed off with red ink. It fades back into the master list. Johnson holds up a clay elephant.
JOHNSON
Calvin claps his hands.
BARRY
CALVIN
JOHNSON
SLAM. SUPER: THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN is
JOHNSON
BARRY
CALVIN
Johnson looks stricken.
Calvin kicks Barry's shin.
BARRY
BARRY
JOHNSON
JOHNSON
BARRY
BARRY
JOHNSON
CALVIN
BARRY
JOHNSON
CALVIN AND BARRY
JOHNSON
BARRY
JOHNSON
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
JOHNSON
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
JOHNSON
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
JOHNSON
CALVIN
CALVIN
BARRY
JOHNSON
CALVIN
JOHNSON
BARRY They’ll take good care of your
JOHNSON
CALVIN
We’ve taken the liberty of buying
JOHNSON
BARRY Don’t mention it.
CALVIN
BARRY
JOHNSON
CALVIN Alrighty, we will.
BARRY
EXT. HILTON TOWERS - NIGHT
A high class apartment structure is beautifully lit. Valets park expensive cars.
A BELLHOP, 18, clean-shaven, uniformed, opens the Limo's door.
JOHNSON
BELLHOP
INT. JOHNSON'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Double entry doors are thrown wide. Johnson, Calvin, and Barry step in. Calvin carries a bottle of KRYSTAL champagne.
Barry throws his arms wide.
BARRY
A huge smile grows on Johnson's face.
JOHNSON
Johnson walks over and looks out a window.
CALVIN
JOHNSON
BARRY
POV: City at night from a high vantage point.
JOHNSON
Johnson nods. He looks around.
Calvin points to the kitchen.
CALVIN
JOHNSON Oh. Yeah. Thanks. BARRY
JOHNSON
Johnson walks into the
JOHNSON
Johnson walks over to a cabinet. He opens it. It is filled with plates and bowls, but no cups.
JOHNSON
Johnson opens another cabinet, then shuts it again without looking inside.
JOHNSON
Johnson walks over to the doorway and looks out into the
LIVING ROOM
CALVIN
BARRY They're pigs! They'd drink it all. JOHNSON
BARRY
CALVIN
JOHNSON
Barry and Calvin show up in the doorway. Johnson looks at the brothers. He shrieks again.
JOHNSON
BARRY
Johnson's feet herky-jerk up and down. Bugs crunch under them.
Johnson shrieks again. He runs into the
LIVING ROOM
JOHNSON
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
Johnson stops. He blinks.
Johnson freaks out. He flops on the floor and rolls about screaming. Calvin motions Barry to go over and help Johnson.
Barry shakes his head no.
Barry holds out a hand and makes a rapid rock, paper, scissors out of it.
Calvin makes scissors. Barry makes paper. Barry wilts.
Barry walks over to Johnson.
BARRY
JOHNSON
Barry helps Johnson up.
Barry walks him over to a door.
Johnson disappears inside.
Barry remains outside. Barry closes the door behind Johnson.
Calvin walks over to Barry and slaps him up the back of the head.
Fierce whispering.
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN You dolt! We'll still have billions left. Relax!
BARRY
Calvin looks at Barry. Calmer, he nods.
CALVIN
CALVIN
BARRY
Whisper to Calvin.
Calvin grins at Barry.
BARRY
Calvin looks at Barry quizzically.
Barry shrugs.
Calvin laughs.
CALVIN
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
REGGIE
REGGIE
JOHNSON
REGGIE
LIVING ROOM
A lady sobs on a huge sofa. Reggie clears his throat.
Angela, wearing sun glasses, looks up.
ANGELA
REGGIE
Reggie leaves.
JOHNSON
JOHNSON
ANGELA
Angela whips off her sunglasses revealing a shiner.
ANGELA eye!
JOHNSON
ANGELA
JOHNSON
ANGELA
A knock is heard coming from the front doors.
CALVIN Angela throws herself to the floor, wailing.
ANGELA
Calvin opens the door.
POLICEMAN #1
Angela pulls herself up into a weepy ball.
ANGELA
POLICEMAN #1
Angela stares hard at Johnson.
ANGELA
The officers snarl at Johnson.
POLICEMAN #1
POLICEMAN #2
JOHNSON
The police officers run over and slam Johnson to the floor.
JOHNSON
POLICEMAN #1
POLICEMAN #2
Policeman #1 looks at #2.
POLICEMAN #2
Policeman #1 hands his nightstick to Angela.
POLICEMAN #1
Angela looks at Calvin.
Angela looks disappointed.
She sighs.
ANGELA
POLICEMAN #1
POLICEMAN #2
POLICEMAN #1
Calvin and Barry both have frowns on their faces. They look at each other, then shoot rock, paper, scissors.
Calvin loses. He sighs and stands up. He walks around the sofa.
CALVIN
POLICEMAN #2
CALVIN
Policeman #1 nods at Angela.
POLICEMAN #1
POLICEMAN #1
Calvin helps Johnson to his feet.
JOHNSON
Angela smiles warmly at Johnson.
ANGELA
POLICEMAN #1
POLICEMAN #2
ANGELA
Groan.
SLAM. SUPER: THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS AGAINST THY NEIGHBOR is slashed off with red ink. It fades back into the master list.
Yes!
Calvin frowns at Angela. ANGELA I mean....yes. Thank you Johnson.
BARRY
Calvin helps Johnson to a sofa.
ANGELA
Angela exits.
A key rattles in the front door's locks. The front doors open.
The DEATH DEALER, 29, 7' 3" tall, muscular, spandex everything, a mountain of a man, walks in.
The Death Dealer sees Calvin and Barry first.
DEATH DEALER gave me killed the donkey!
The cops looks at each other.
They sheathe their nightsticks and pulls out their guns.
POLICEMAN #1 speaks into his radio.
POLICEMAN #1
Policeman #2 draws a bead down the sights of his revolver.
POLICEMAN #2
DEATH DEALER
POLICEMAN #2
Angela walks back into the room.
DEATH DEALER
Death Dealer looks at the officers.
DEATH DEALER
POLICEMAN #1
Lie down on the ground! Now!
Death Dealer looks at Calvin and Barry.
DEATH DEALER
POLICEMAN #2
Angry.
Death Dealer flexes.
POLICEMAN #2
Resigned.
JOHNSON
POLICEMAN #2
JOHNSON
DEATH DEALER
Johnson shrieks like a woman. He runs away.
Barry snaps a glance at his watch.
BARRY
Johnson knocks over things to cover his escape.
Death Dealer tackles him -- they smash a china cabinet on their way down.
DEATH DEALER
Back up arrives.
DEATH DEALER above! I can't see!
They cuff him, and drag him off Johnson.
DEATH DEALER
Policeman #1 points at Johnson.
POLICEMAN #1
Johnson is cuffed.
JOHNSON
They drag Johnson across the floor.
JOHNSON
Death Dealer is dragged right behind him.
DEATH DEALER
DEATH DEALER
EXT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT
Calvin, Barry, and Johnson walk out the front doors of the station. Johnson is a mass of black and blue skin.
CALVIN
They walk down some
STAIRS
CALVIN
BARRY
JOHNSON
BARRY
JOHNSON
Johnson points at his ruined face.
JOHNSON Angela going to want me now! And -- I've spent enough time on the
CALVIN
JOHNSON
CALVIN
BARRY
JOHNSON
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
JOHNSON
They walk into a parking lot. They walk among cars.
JOHNSON
BARRY
CALVIN
JOHNSON
BARRY
JOHNSON
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
JOHNSON
CALVIN
JOHNSON
SLAM. SUPER: THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE, NOR HIS MANSERVANT, NOR HIS MAIDSERVANT, NOR HIS OX, NOR HIS A*S, NOR ANYTHING OF THY NEIGHBOR'S is slashed off with red ink. It fades back into the master list.
CALVIN
Barry looks around.
BARRY
Calvin and Barry give Johnson the thumbs up.
The door opens.
Johnson swallows hard.
The doors close.
BARRY
Johnson's strange SQUEAL is heard!
Angela's door bangs open.
The door slams shut.
Johnson turns around and pounds on the door.
JOHNSON
JOHNSON
CALVIN
The door opens again.
BARRY
Johnson dresses.
BARRY
Johnson smiles at a pair of teddy panties.
CALVIN
Shrug.
Calvin and Barry grin at each other.
SLAM. SUPER: THOU SHALT NOT STEAL is slashed off with red ink. It fades back into the master list. Calvin guides Johnson down the hall.
CALVIN
JOHNSON
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN guy.
JOHNSON
CALVIN
One more.
Calvin looks at the panties.
CALVIN
JOHNSON Schedule? We're on a schedule?
CALVIN It's nothing. Nothing at all.
JOHNSON OK.
INT. LIMOUSINE - NIGHT
JOHNSON
CALVIN
BARRY
JOHNSON
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
BARRY
JOHNSON
Calvin pulls out a brown paper bag from the COOLER and hands it to Johnson.
CALVIN
Johnson wrinkles his nose.
BARRY
JOHNSON
CALVIN
BARRY
BARRY
BARRY
JOHNSON
CALVIN
CALVIN
JOHNSON
BARRY
JOHNSON Alright. I guess I'll do it.
CALVIN Good man!
BARRY
JOHNSON
Johnson exits.
Johnson carries the bag down the sidewalk.
He looks around.
Johnson sneaks up to the front porch and lights the bag.
SLAM. SUPER: HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER is slashed off with red ink. It fades back into the master list.
He fades into the night.
AL JOHNSON, 57, chunky, gray hair, glasses, opens the door. He looks down at the fire on the porch and screams like a woman.
MARTHA JOHNSON, 54, thin as a rail, hair in a bun, smacks her husband upside the head.
Martha steps out onto the porch.
She slides her foot along low and kicks the flaming bag off the porch.
She walks down the steps, pulls out a hose, turns it on, and waters the bag.
AL
EXT. HILTON TOWERS - NIGHT
BARRY
JOHNSON
BARRY (TO JOHNSON)
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - MORNING
Calvin sets up a video camera that looks through the window.
Barry positions a chair in front of the camera.
BARRY
Calvin looks into the view-finder of the camera.
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
Barry picks up a legal sized pad of paper from Calvin’s desk.
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
Barry looks around.
BARRY
He looks at the blast screen.
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
Johnson knocks on the door. He is wearing bandages, but doesn’t look too bad.
JOHNSON
CALVIN
JOHNSON
Johnson sits in the chair.
Calvin looks into the camera.
CALVIN
BARRY
Barry hands Johnson a thin report. Johnson opens the report.
BARRY
Johnson shuts it.
BARRY
Barry runs and dives behind the blast shield.
He peaks through the window.
Both Calvin and Barry wear huge grins on their faces. Calvin presses the record button on the camera.
BARRY That's your que Johnson! Go ahead
JOHNSON
BARRY
Johnson opens the report.
Sappy voice.
JOHNSON
Johnson blinks at the camera.
JOHNSON
Frowns.
Quiet.
JOHNSON
BARRY
Calvin looks around again.
He grins at Barry.
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
Barry and Calvin do a jig.
Calvin and Barry stop dancing.
CALVIN
BARRY The old Johnson. Dead and gone!
CALVIN
CALVIN
BARRY
JOHNSON
Barry pops open a bottle of champagne. Blood sprays out of it instead of champagne.
JOHNSON
CALVIN
Barry looks stunned. He shakes his head no.
BARRY
BARRY
CALVIN
He takes a deep breath, then turns on the cold water.
Blood dumps out of the spigot.
BARRY
Calvin and Johnson walk over.
They stare down at the spigot.
They all watch. Blood pours.
JOHNSON
Blood.
Blood.
JOHNSON Maybe someone died in the pipes?
Calvin frowns at Johnson.
CALVIN There would have to hundreds dead in the system. No, this is something else.
JOHNSON Pensive.
Johnson claps Calvin and Barry on their backs.
JOHNSON
Yeah.
BARRY
JOHNSON
CALVIN Sure.
BARRY
Calvin scratches his head. He appears to be deep in thought.
He turns the spigot on again.
Blood.
He shuts it off quickly.
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
INT. PARKING STRUCTURE - DAY
DING.
An elevator opens.
Gnats stream in! They swarm around Johnson's head!
Johnson screams!
They land in his hair!
JOHNSON Bugs in my hair! Bugs!!
He bats at them!
The gnats follow!
He looks in a window of his car.
It is filled with MOSQUITOES!
JOHNSON
JOHNSON
He frowns at his car, grabs the door handle. He takes a deep breath, gags on a gnat, then whips the door open. He dives to the side.
JOHNSON
He punches the elevator call button repeatedly.
JOHNSON
Johnson runs in circles!
Johnson goes through a door marked "STAIRS."
Gnats and Mosquitoes swarm under the door and follow!
STAIRS
INT. CALVIN'S OFFICE - DAY
Barry pops open a can of soda. He dumps blood out of it.
CALVIN
BARRY
Johnson runs in. He's out of breath.
JOHNSON
What the Hell?!
Gnats land in his hair! He screams! He gives up with his hands and pulls off a shoe! He wails on his head with the shoe!
CALVIN
Barry grabs a fly swatter and slaps at his head.
Johnson scratches crazily at his head!
JOHNSON
Johnson runs to the sink.
Johnson holds his head under the spigot. Blood dumps out all over him. Johnson freaks!
He shakes his head. Blood splatters everywhere - including all over Barry!.
Calvin starts smashing away at bugs now too!
He stops and frowns in thought.
He looks around himself at the floor.
JOHNSON
He stops smacking at the insects. He looks around.
BARRY
He looks closer.
BARRY Nothing?!
Calvin looks around as well.
Barry stops slapping. He looks around on the floor.
BARRY
Johnson slaps at one.
JOHNSON
Barry scratches at his scalp feverishly.
BARRY
CALVIN
JOHNSON
Looks guilty.
CALVIN
JOHNSON
CALVIN
BARRY
JOHNSON
JOHNSON
Johnson pouts.
JOHNSON
Calvin growls. He pulls out the yellow pages, flops it open, rifles through pages, then rips one out. He hands it to Barry.
Dripping with venom.
JOHNSON
Frown.
JOHNSON
He listens for a few moments.
CALVIN
BARRY
Sarcastic. CALVIN
CALVIN You try.
Barry picks up the phone and holds it to his ear. He winces.
He hangs up the phone.
CALVIN
BARRY
INT. PARKING STRUCTURE - DAY
POV: It's filled with snakes.
He walks away.
BARRY
EXT. BUS STOP - DAY
A crowd of PEOPLE stand off to one side and stare at Barry with horror stricken faces.
None of them are plagued.
Barry frowns at them.
BARRY What?!
The crowd takes another step back.
A bus rolls up.
INSIDE THE BUS
PAUL, the bus driver, 27, African American, clean shaven, uniformed, blinks at Barry.
PAUL OK. Now I've seen everything.
Paul looks like he’s about to say something nasty to kick Barry off the bus, but Barry holds up an angry finger in his face and stares him down.
me!
EXT. PETE'S PET-A-RAMA - DAY
A bus rolls up and stops in front of the shop.
Barry steps out. Toads dump from the sky.
He pulls his suit jacket over his head and runs
INSIDE
Barry rings the service bell repeatedly.
PETE, 37, tall, bald, jovial, scruffy, walks up.
He stops and stares at Barry.
PETE Whoa! Buddy! You got somethin'
BARRY
Pete walks around the counter.
PETE Cause you look like the sort that
Pete shines him on. PETE No! Really?
Struggling for calm --
Slap. BARRY
Forget the birds, man! I'd use
BARRY
PETE Sure! Kills bugs dead - haven’t you
BARRY No. No I haven’t.
PETE And! The best part is...it'd burn
BARRY
You don't like the Raid idea, huh?
PETE Alright. Alright. What’s eating
But Pete holds up a finger.
PETE Ah yes! Wild Parrots will do the
BARRY
INT. CALVIN'S OFFICE - DAY Calvin sits at his desk.
Johnson paces back and forth.
JOHNSON
JOHNSON
Calvin points at the insects above his head.
CALVIN
I got 'em! I got us some birds!
Calvin leaps up!
BARRY
JOHNSON
BARRY
JOHNSON
CALVIN
BARRY
OK! Here we go!
Three parrots fly out.
The birds land on their heads - and peck away! But not to get at the insects! They peck at their heads!
BARRY
CALVIN
JOHNSON
Barry slaps at his bird but its too quick! He keeps missing.
Calvin slaps on a pair of sunglasses. He gets pecked again.
CALVIN
Johnson whines.
BARRY
Calvin frowns at Barry.
BARRY
CALVIN
JOHNSON
Calvin types at the keys.
BARRY
JOHNSON
CALVIN
BARRY
Johnson wilts.
JOHNSON
Johnson gets up and walks around.
JOHNSON
CALVIN
CALVIN
Well - what did they do to get rid
JOHNSON
CALVIN
JOHNSON
BARRY
JOHNSON
CALVIN
JOHNSON
BARRY
JOHNSON
JOHNSON
BARRY You think I’m going to walk?
They slap at mosquitoes.
A CROWD stares at them.
INSIDE THE BUS
The bus driver, HORACE, 57, silver hair, pudgy, uniformed, stops them in the doorway.
CALVIN
The bus driver points at the bugs.
HORACE
CALVIN
HORACE
CALVIN
HORACE
CALVIN
HORACE
BARRY
HORACE
CALVIN
HORACE
JOHNSON
Calvin and Barry sit on one side. Johnson sits on another.
JOHNSON
BARRY Thanks.
CALVIN
GAVIN, 19, long hair, Gothic make up, stoned, grins at Johnson.
pecking at your head? Sarcastic.
JOHNSON
GAVIN
Defeated.
JOHNSON
EXT. CATHOLIC CHURCH - DAY A beautiful church gleams in the sun. A CROWD streams out of its front doors. Some mill about, talking in small groups.
A bus rolls up and stops out front. Calvin, Barry, and Johnson exit.
People point. People mumble.
JOHNSON
CALVIN
JOHNSON
JOHNSON
INSIDE
ALBERTSON
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
ALBERTSON
BARRY
ALBERTSON
BARRY
BARRY
CALVIN
ALBERTSON
ALBERTSON
ALBERTSON
CALVIN AND BARRY No!
CALVIN We killed bugs!
ALBERTSON Then this isn't so bad.
ALBERTSON
BARRY
Albertson crosses his fingers.
ALBERTSON
Sweet.
BARRY
ALBERTSON
Albertson leads them to a confessional.
ALBERTSON
CALVIN
Calvin and Barry step in one door, and Father Albertson steps in another. The doors close. Then...
Albertson's door slams open! He charges out!
He slaps at them!
Calvin and Barry run out the other door.
They both look stunned.
BARRY
Albertson scratches at his head.
ALBERTSON
Albertson looks to Heaven.
It lands on Albertson's head and pecks away.
ALBERTSON
BARRY
CALVIN
Albertson snaps his fingers.
ALBERTSON
Shrug.
BARRY
ALBERTSON
CALVIN
They walk out to the
Johnson is sitting on the floor and batting at his bird. He leaps up when he sees Albertson is plagued.
ALBERTSON Yes, my son, me too.
JOHNSON
BARRY
CALVIN
A large CROWD stares.
ALBERTSON
BARRY Yep.
Johnson looks at his watch.
JOHNSON
CALVIN
BARRY
JOHNSON
JOHNSON
CALVIN
JOHNSON later --- hopefully.
Barry is on tip toes.
BARRY
JOHNSON
JOHNSON
Johnson wilts. JOHNSON
CALVIN (TO JOHNSON) Thanks genius!
BARRY This is getting serious.
The bus rolls to a stop.
EDDIE, 37, African American, bald, super fat, uniformed, does a double take at the trio. His eyes go wide as saucers.
EDDIE CALVIN
Eddie snatches up the cash.
EDDIE
EXT. SYNAGOGUE - DAY
A bus rolls up and stops in front of it.
Barry sticks a foot out of the bus' door.
Toads fall from the sky.
Toads stop falling.
BARRY Magic!
Calvin pushes him out of the bus.
CALVIN
Toads fall. Hail falls now too.
CALVIN
They all run for the synagogue.
BARRY
INSIDE
MONTAGE
Defeated, Albertson looks at a statue, the bird pecks away unmolested.
Two little old Jewish ladies stop and stare at him.
ALBERTSON
Albertson leans against a wall. He sighs.
The double doors slam open.
A Rabbi, GOLDBERG, 37, thinning dark hair, bearded, traditional robes, storms out angrily. He is PLAGUED as well!
But he doesn’t have a bird pecking at his head.
GOLDBERG
CALVIN I thought this would be
BARRY
GOLDBERG
CALVIN
Goldberg scratches at his scalp.
GOLDBERG
Albertson points at the bird pecking at his head.
ALBERTSON
GOLDBERG
ALBERTSON
BARRY Buddhism? CALVIN
BARRY
Sores break out all over their flesh. Calvin looks at his hands.
GOLDBERG
ALBERTSON
There's only locusts left before darkness sets in.
CALVIN What's the big deal? ALBERTSON
BARRY
ALBERTSON
CALVIN
GOLDBERG
Albertson nods.
ALBERTSON
CALVIN
GOLDBERG
Albertson roars.
GOLDBERG
BARRY
GOLDBERG
ALBERTSON
BARRY
GOLDBERG
Guilty looks. Shuffling feet.
ALBERTSON
CALVIN
CALVIN
GOLDBERG
ALBERTSON
GOLDBERG
CALVIN
ALBERTSON
Father Albertson frowns at Calvin.
CALVIN
EXT. BUS STOP - DAY
A small crowd stares.
GOLDBERG
CALVIN
BARRY
ALBERTSON
Sarcastic.
CALVIN
Calvin laughs. Albertson and Goldberg frown.
CALVIN
GOLDBERG
ALBERTSON
A loud buzzing sound approaches. LOCUSTS by the millions fly toward them! The BUS comes into view behind the locusts.
Goldberg and Albertson run for the synagogue.
Barry grabs Calvin!
BARRY
The locusts swarm them.
Calvin and Barry run for the bus!
INT. BUS - DAY
Up ahead, Calvin and Barry are walking swarms of locusts, bugs, toads, etc.! Calvin raises his hand to signal Paul to stop!
PAUL Oh, You have got to be kidding me!
Paul hits the turn signal.
CALVIN
Barry coughs on a locust....
BARRY
They enter.... INSIDE
CALVIN
BARRY
A door bangs open in the background.
Death Dealer walks in with a blanket covering two people.
DEATH DEALER
Death Dealer removes the blanket revealing Johnson and Angela. Angela is PLAGUED too! BARRY
ANGELA
Johnson wilts at the sight of the Rabbi.
GOLDBERG Randolph?!
JOHNSON
CALVIN AND BARRY Randolph...????
GOLDBERG
CALVIN
ALBERTSON
JOHNSON
The brothers sigh.
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY
JOHNSON
BARRY
BARRY
CALVIN
Johnson blinks for a moment stunned, then erupts!
JOHNSON
BARRY
JOHNSON
GOLDBERG
CALVIN
BARRY
BARRY No! Please! Anything but that!
CALVIN
Johnson looks wildly around. His gaze falls on Angela.
JOHNSON
Angela wilts under his stare.
BARRY
CALVIN
DEATH DEALER
All of the color drains from Calvin's, Barry's, Johnson's, Albertson's, Goldberg's, and Angela's eyes.
Albertson and Barry blink. Goldberg shakes his head as if to rid himself of something covering his eyes.
Calvin falls to his knees. He looks around blankly.
JOHNSON
Barry stumbles forward with his hands out.
BARRY
GOLDBERG
DEATH DEALER
GOLDBERG
JOHNSON
CALVIN
BARRY
CALVIN
Barry grumbles something - then - heartfelt....
BARRY
Johnson blinks.
CALVIN
BARRY Me too, Johnson! Me too!
Johnson thinks about this for a few seconds, then a smile grows slowly across his face. JOHNSON
A small smile grows on Calvin’s face.
CALVIN
Deep sigh.
JOHNSON
For tricking me.
The insects disperse!
Johnson blinks!
ANGELA
GOLDBERG
Calvin has a hand over his eyes....
CALVIN
Barry has a hand over his eyes too.
BARRY
GOLDBERG
ALBERTSON
JOHNSON
Disgusted.
JOHNSON
Two birds flutter down and land on Calvin and Barry’s heads.
They peck away!
BARRY Point taken! Point taken! New leaf
The birds fly away.
BARRY Well - there goes the good life.
EXT. CATHOLIC CHURCH - DAY
INT. CHURCH - DAY
Albertson stands at the pulpit.
ALBERTSON
CALVIN AND BARRY
EXT. CHURCH - DAY
They shake Father Albertson's hand. ALBERTSON
CALVIN
BARRY
Wary....
BARRY
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
They both carry flyers.
The lady turns around. It's actually a GUY.
GUY Who the Hell are you calling miss?!
CALVIN
GUY Get a job, buddy!
He storms off.
BARRY
CALVIN
Harvey waves from the other side of the street. Barry smiles and waves back.
CALVIN
Wary.
CALVIN
Barry dances ahead a little.
BARRY
CALVIN
BARRY Yeah? You and what army?
CALVIN
THE END
FADE OUT © 2010 Scott ThompsonReviews
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1 Review  Last Updated on December 23, 2010 Author
Scott ThompsonHatfield, PAAboutI've written 13 screenplays but believe my craft is still in need of a great deal of improvement. I love writing action, adventure, romantic comedy, and comedy scripts. The most recent screenplay .. more.. |
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