My Dark Past

It's not how many times fall but how you pick yourself up

They said I'm looking at five to ten
and that I'll be lucky to see my girl again
that's what happens when greed takes control
had my mind on the money and watching it grow
I was hustlin' not thinkin'
making late night deals, wide awake, not blinkin'
had that good green, that hard powder
didn't think about people, too focused getting ours
getting laid, getting paid, getting made
if you had the cash I'd provide you with a dope fade
blast your mind, send it off a thousands miles
I had piles and piles, lines for miles
had enough money to provide for a child
but f**k that, I was living it up so wild
it never crossed my mind all the brain cells I've been killing
all the futures of other people wasted from my dealin'
instead of helping, I've been feeding their addiction
for the buds, for the coke, leading me to this felony conviction
it's always only when you f**k up that you wake up
rise and shine, smell the coffee with yours hands cuffed up
in the empty cell analyzing, realizing
that all the money and power had me mesmerizing
blinded from the big picture, only seen the rock not the whole island
this selfish mind is why I'm in the situation I'm in
counting the blocks in this cell
I can feel the heat rising from hell
burning my toes, so hot it starts to feel cold
all alone, no one to hold, far from home
I've did the deed of the devil
thinking I was tough as nails, stronger than metal
but once reality struck and I got caught up
cussed out, mocked up, locked up
knowing that I messed up, I broke down
knees on the concrete floor, flat on the ground
praying and asking for a message please
but all I hear is silence, God no longer acknowledged me
thoughts in my head running a marathon
how'd this happen? am I dreaming? this can't be going on
one hour turned into three, three turned into eight
couldn't tell what time it was, but I knew it had to be late
no one came to bail me out, no one came to fight for me
even my mom she couldn't even stand the sight of me
disgrace to the family, you know how Asian families be
my dad he wanted to murder me, throw my ashes in the sea
for months I've lived in silence, locked in my room for hours at a time
shut out from the world I knew, standing in the back of the line
kicked out of school, interrogations, detentions homes, delinquency schools
always getting chewed up, spit out, mocked like a fool
I just needed one chance, to make things right
to turn my life around, I just needed one glance of the holy light
and then finally, I got what I asked for, got what I prayed for
didn't think twice, made the most of it, that past life? is no more..

-Chris Chantavong

Reviews

[anonymous]

Your piece just painted a clearer picture of this past you once spoke of with me. He gave you a second chance, and you took that opportunity to live it right this time, and I'll stand by you, and say that you're doing a good job at it.

Presenting this new piece at a slam event? Cause it sounds like something I could hear on Def Poetry, or just any poetry event in general.