Karma

wrote this about my ex.

You think that it's over,
that there's nothing to come,
but it's creeping beside you,
for you to succumb

You brainwash your victims,
their thoughts gone astray
offering a friendship,
for you to betray

The lies you shed out,
hurt all whose around
Till they unlock the chain,
that's tying them down

Its coming to get you,
there's no where to hide,
till deception and judgment,
commence to collide

Reviews

[A.A.]

The confrontation is perhaps too hot for a reviewer to touch, yet from a purely technical standpoint, I hear a poem here.

Firstly, the Dimeter is lovely; a pacing towards which never lets your audience settle, and seems menacing before the end. Regards this, I'm sure you could make it work for another quatrain or two, to deepen the poem somewhat, and widen the gap between exposition and judgment to the point where it becomes 'dramatic', making better use of the force of your wonderful final quatrain. I'm suggesting that you have a certain amount of licence here to develop (not expose, mind- the anonymity is important) your subject, allowing the reader to become more involved with the figure who is to be judged. Empathy, I mean.

That said, there are some places where I feel you've sacrificed meaning for sound, and on account of the poem's brevity, you forfeit the perception that 'Every word counts'; the hallmark of a finished poem. For example;
"Till they serve their purpose/ And you call acquits"
Comes across as vague; 'they' serve 'their' purpose, and although the rhyme with 'splits' is important, the idea of this figure "calling acquits" forces a break in tone with the following quatrain, at a crucial point in the poem; it doesn't seem to fit.

A final point, for now, at least, would be the very last line. The resolution does work, but the strength of the judgment day image, with all its Biblical implication, wants something better than to simply "commence", which besides anything else invokes 'beginning' at a truly inopportune moment. You can do better than that.

It's very difficult to write a bitter poem well, yet you're on the right track.
All the best.

A.A.

[Steve]

This is very well done. You are indeed a poet! Nice job.