Confessions

Written 1/18/15. Just some confessions I needed to get out.

I must confess

I lied when I said

The heart in my chest

Would be happy

When I was at my best

No number

Nor mirror

Will tell perfection...
~

Oh the deception that the mind tells!

Makes you believe this is all you need

Losing yourself in these thoughts of jealousy

She cannot see

Beyond the smoke and mirrors

All she sees is ugly
~

I must confess

Sometimes wicked dreams haunt me

I miss how the blood seeps out

Leaving a burning sensation on my flesh

Taking me to a new high

It roars it's ugly head

The monster's not dead!

So grab the knife and do it again

Am I good enough?

She says
~

Oh what a game we play

Make an enemy of ourselves

When we weave a web of lies

Keep pretending dear

So they don't hear your cries

(End)

Author's Note

Originally this was supposed to be about me realizing that losing weight because of my eating disorder wouldn't make me happy, but some how it kind of split into two poems in a way. About my ED and how I still sometimes have urges to go back to self harming.

Reviews

[....................]

a honest write about the struggle within... airing these battles is an important step in winning them... you put it out there and can look at is objectively with an intent to overcome the urges... love the use of colour, italics, and font size for emphasis... glad you are winning these battles :)

[GreenEyedPoet]

Thanks Tom. :]
I'm honestly only able to air these things because God has given me that ability. They are no longer a big deal for me or something that I feel I need to hide. :]

[....................]

And such a great ability at that :D... and they make you stronger in the end ...you are welcome...

[GreenEyedPoet]

That is true too. That is why God is awesome, He can take the bad things that have happened to you and use them for good. :D

[sereenaoutloud]

wow..this is a great write. Its vey raw and covers many issues that i think will help others!!
thank you for sharing this and keep fighting girl!!

[GreenEyedPoet]

Thanks hun! And I will definitely keep fighting. :D
Haha I knew you had to read this one after our conversation the other night (with the ED stuff).

[sereenaoutloud]

yes i am glad you RR it to me !!

[GreenEyedPoet]

Glad you liked it. :)

[Tricia O'Brien]

I love this. Rad piece, expressed beautifully.

[GreenEyedPoet]

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it!

[Benita-Staebell M - Kin..]

We are beautifully broken and beautifully made.

we are Beautifully made by God.


He doesn't want us to harm ourselves
I hope that part of you is healed I hate
to see ones doing that to themselves,


Life is a beautiful and very Precious thing.



Thank you for stopping by my page and
for sharing piece of yourself with us.


God bless Benita

[GreenEyedPoet]

Thank you so much for the comment!
I no longer self harm, haven't for about 6 or 7 years. I do however still struggle a bit with my eating disorder. But it's ok, God and I are working on it. :)

[Benita-Staebell M - KindredPoet]

:) well that is good you're getting better we always struggle
with something or a pain in life that makes us stronger from it. You're welcome. Benita

[GreenEyedPoet]

Very true!

[Double T]

This is a great poem. I love the way of how you use the colors. Very creative.

[GreenEyedPoet]

Thank you! Glad you liked it. :)

[~]

I hope you will keep finding strength to repel those urges! Keep up the good fight, and only "bleed" on paper. :) hugs!!!

[GreenEyedPoet]

I have been clean of cutting for about 6-7 years. So I don't ever plan to go back to it, I just get random urges sometimes. But as long as I have God, I'll be ok.
Thank you for the kind words hun! :)

[Christopher Casper]

This is a terribly sad poem. It is such a shame when you can't even trust and rely on oneself. The mind can be a torturous trap. We all suffer from internal struggles. However, some are more prevalent than others. I suffer from clinical depression so I can relate to a certain extent. You put on a face in front of others but inside you're crumbling. I sincerely wish you hope in your struggles.

[GreenEyedPoet]

I have the same problem, have dealt with depression most of my life. But things are finally looking up, since I've found God. So no matter what, I'll be ok. :)
I hope that you find peace from your depression one day, I know how much it sucks!
And thanks for the comment!

[Jamestown]

Friend you are one heck of a writer, its sad, but written so well!
Thanks for sharing and b-blessed!

[GreenEyedPoet]

Thanks James!

[Jamestown]

Of course, hey read your love, its on this page, not mine, awesome!

[GreenEyedPoet]

Can you send me a read request for it?

[Jamestown]

It's not mine, I just saw it while browsing page.

[GreenEyedPoet]

I found it. :]