Fri, Oct 21 7:35 pm

So much for scheming.

First, here's what's happened between now and my last entry:

-10/16

I texted Anthony that Doug and I had broken up. It was late, so he said if I wanted I could stop by tomorrow to talk about it.

-10/17

I did just that. He was surprised when I said Doug dumped me and that I didn't dump him. When I told him the reasons, he said it made sense. He told me he would be there for me as a friend to hug and talk to, because that was what I needed. He also said he's give me some space, but as the day progressed he began to figure I didn't really need space - I was handling myself pretty well.

-10/18 (technically 10/19, wee hours of morning)

We made out.

-10/19 (technically 10/20)

He asked me out. I said yes.

-10/20 (technically 10/21)

He broke up with me. Fast, right? He doesn't want to be in a relationship. Too early in the school year to tie himself down to one person, he said. Doesn't make any sense to me - he seemed perfectly okay with it before. 

He likes to be by himself too much to be a good boyfriend. He says I deserve someone better, but I'd rather be the judge of that.

Now for my entry:

Things didn't quite go according to plan. I feel alone and abandoned with no one to go to. I'm in a place where no one knows me enough to care about my problems, leaving me no one to vent to. As often as Candi says she'll be there for me, I find myself unable to open up to her. I always tell her what's going on in my life, but I can't get into detail. She changes the topic to herself and her problems, and I can't deal with that. I don't have the emotional opportunity to break down in front of her. But I need to - I need to break for someone, and I need that someone to comfort me.

The only person who's ever done that for me here was Anthony. The days where he and I were flirting, I felt very disconnected from Doug. My boyfriend and I hadn't had a real conversation in weeks - we were just spitting the same routine messages back and forth, repeats of conversations we've had before. When Anthony and I got closer with the flirting, I found myself checking my phone less and less often. 

The morning after he and I had sex, I finally checked my messages. Dpug said he was worried he was losing me - he was afraid - he was freaking out. I cried. Anthony wasn't entirely sure why, but he held me. I need that right now, and it sucks that I can't go to him.

I spent most of today sleeping, or otherwise alone in my room. I first woke up at ten. When I felt the horrible I've-been-abandoned feeling in my stomach, I went back to sleep to forget about it. I woke up a second time at eleven. I speaking to Doug on the phone, texting Brandon, and then skyping Doug. I told him how horrible I was feeling and realized how much I missed him. I couldn't cry, though. Candi was there, either sleeping or pretending to be asleep. As we spoke, he was packing up for a short break. His dad and Brandon were picking him up and he would be home in several hours. In a weird way the idea of him being home made me feel closer to him. So close, but yet so far. I seriously looked at train tickets to Ohio for the weekend after next. I need to see him - now. But the prices and hours were ridiculous, especially since I'll be seeing him in four weeks anyway. Thanksgiving break. Not so far away now. I just wish it was closer.

After that conversation, I had a phone conversation with my mom, went to a conference with a professor, learned I was getting an A in her class, and called Marina - my sister, in case you didn't remember - as I waited for a bus back. I fell asleep on the bus ride back to my dorm, got back to my room, found it empty, and went back to sleep. I later listened to music, cried, and continued texting Doug. I didn't feel like facing the world today - I haven't showered and I look like a mess - so I ended up not eating anything (real meal consumption requires me getting out of my dorm, which I'm not doing again today). An hour before I started writing this, I watched last night's episode of Vampire Diaries and finally ate. Chocolate. It sorta made me feel better. I'm gonna have a cup of noodles after I stop writing. Doug should be home by then. I get to skype with him again soon.

As I stepped out of my room for the first and only time today (for the conference) I considered being outgoing. I was going to do the same thing Anthony did when he first met me: find an attractive member of the opposite sex and flirt like a maniac. The first thing I would say was, "You're gorgeous," just to see how he would react. I didn't immediately see anyone so good-looking, though. By the time I did, the feeling was gone.

I also considered approaching Taylor who lives downstairs. I met him in the first week of school, but haven't really spoken to him since. He's beautiful. However, I had no idea what I would say after he answered the door. My horrible feeling would probably seep into my attitude and appearance. Which would probably scare him away, so I decided against it. Today was not the day to reconnect or meet new people.

I don't regret scheming my scheme. However miserable I am now, it was something that had to be done. Now at least I know that if I did break up with Doug, it would've been for nothing. Good thing we didn't break up, right? And I needed to give Anthony a shot, otherwise I'd be constantly wondering, what if? Now I know he's not looking for a relationship anytime soon. But he really wants me as his best girl friend. I've had all day to think about it, and the more I thought about it the more I realized how much like Ryan he was. Ryan, my best guy friend from home. Both didn't have many friends before high school, and both were loners. They often prefer video gaming/watching movies by themselves to hanging with friends. This is part of the reason why Anthony can't date me - he doesn't want to be always there as a boyfriend should. He wants to want to, but he doesn't. He needs his space.

I just hope he's finally telling me the truth. Otherwise I'm just as lost and confused as I was the moment before I decided to cheat on him and lie to Doug.

Author's Note

I whip my hair back'n'forth.

Reviews

[Q.Kennedy]

you have a good gut. you should continue to trust it. keep your chin up, d. don't let anything get you too down. freshman year is hard but keep looking forward to bright spots and new experiences. thinking of you...
-aaron.

[Kyle]

This is sad but still well written. I can really feel the emotion and sadness. Anthony apprears to be an idiot to me.

I hope you write more. Someday this may be published and you'll be glad you did.